[There still seems to be a disconnect between his mind and body, because even though he struggles to catch Chizuru, it takes him a few seconds longer before he's even stumbling close. He reaches out, fingers clumsy and grasping, trying to anchor her again. It helps to anchor him a little, having something else to focus on.
But he's coming to the dawning realization that the him of the past had never managed, and the him of that world had only just started to figure out. He raises his free hand, the motion stilted, and it comes to rest against his chest.]
...There's nothing that would have made me happy at that point. [Too far gone - he was too far gone. Nothing in the world could have filled that hungry emptiness inside of himself.] Even if I said "seeing you suffer makes me so happy"... [It had been hollow. It hadn't been happiness - it had just been a brief alleviation of the otherwise constant inward pressure he felt, the endless absence of anything meaningful.
He bites his lip, reaching out again, trying to clasp the hand that's pulling at her hair so awfully, his brow furrowing downward. There's some measure of distance in his expression, but it's not directed at Chizuru herself. He just can't fully contain his own awareness and it drifts away from him without his intention behind it.]
But— I did. I did, I did... I wanted to be your brother again. I just— I just wanted to be "equal". I wanted to stand by your side like I had done years and years ago. But since... I could never regain what I had lost—
[He wanted Chizuru to lose what she had, too. It fills him with a sick sense of dread and self-directed disgust, though there's a part of him that understands without him needing to put more thought into it, like it's the most natural thing in the world. He wonders if he'll be at odds with himself for the rest of his life, if he can't reconcile fully or even partially.]
no subject
But he's coming to the dawning realization that the him of the past had never managed, and the him of that world had only just started to figure out. He raises his free hand, the motion stilted, and it comes to rest against his chest.]
...There's nothing that would have made me happy at that point. [Too far gone - he was too far gone. Nothing in the world could have filled that hungry emptiness inside of himself.] Even if I said "seeing you suffer makes me so happy"... [It had been hollow. It hadn't been happiness - it had just been a brief alleviation of the otherwise constant inward pressure he felt, the endless absence of anything meaningful.
He bites his lip, reaching out again, trying to clasp the hand that's pulling at her hair so awfully, his brow furrowing downward. There's some measure of distance in his expression, but it's not directed at Chizuru herself. He just can't fully contain his own awareness and it drifts away from him without his intention behind it.]
But— I did. I did, I did... I wanted to be your brother again. I just— I just wanted to be "equal". I wanted to stand by your side like I had done years and years ago. But since... I could never regain what I had lost—
[He wanted Chizuru to lose what she had, too. It fills him with a sick sense of dread and self-directed disgust, though there's a part of him that understands without him needing to put more thought into it, like it's the most natural thing in the world. He wonders if he'll be at odds with himself for the rest of his life, if he can't reconcile fully or even partially.]