[She wants to lean into his touch, but he has already pulled his hands away before she can even process that he's there. She can barely hear him - he's so close but he feels so far away; his voice isn't quiet, but there's a pounding in her head and in her ears that drowns out everything around her. It's been years since she's been in such an intense panic as this, and she finds that having suppressed it for so long, she's at a loss for how to manage it.]
Sorry— [The words come out choked, strangled. She gasps for breath and tightens her hold on her hair, wincing.] Sorry, sorry, sorry..!
[The apology is all she can manage when she's in this state; nearly a decade of life with the Nagumo clan has done that to her. This panic is inextricably linked to apologizing for being too willful, for not being obedient, for failing to do what they've asked of her. It's the sheer, relentless panic of a child who has been told that they, at their core, are wrong, that they're worthless. It's the panic of someone who is clutching so tightly to a single hope, hiding it away and praying desperately that it won't be found and torn away from her.
She turns her head away when he leans in to try and get a closer look at her and keeps her head bowed, unwilling to raise it to look at him.]
I didn't mean to... [She's babbling; she can barely hear her own voice. It's just as dull to her as Kaoru's was.] Please forgive me, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..!
[I never meant to hurt you, I should have stayed away, what have I done to you, I should go right now but I don't want to, I'm going to keep being selfish, I'm going to keep on hurting you, why am I doing this...?!]
I'm sorry. [A deep, shuddering breath, and she shakes her head once more.] Really, I - I'm sorry...
[The roaring in her ears quiets, and she becomes more aware of the tatami mats under her legs, of the table she's half slumped over, of the too-strong grip she has on her hair. She loosens her fingers, but only a little.]
—this will pass. [She can breathe again. Slowly, shakily, but she's breathing rather than gasping.] It always passes... I'm sorry.
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Sorry— [The words come out choked, strangled. She gasps for breath and tightens her hold on her hair, wincing.] Sorry, sorry, sorry..!
[The apology is all she can manage when she's in this state; nearly a decade of life with the Nagumo clan has done that to her. This panic is inextricably linked to apologizing for being too willful, for not being obedient, for failing to do what they've asked of her. It's the sheer, relentless panic of a child who has been told that they, at their core, are wrong, that they're worthless. It's the panic of someone who is clutching so tightly to a single hope, hiding it away and praying desperately that it won't be found and torn away from her.
She turns her head away when he leans in to try and get a closer look at her and keeps her head bowed, unwilling to raise it to look at him.]
I didn't mean to... [She's babbling; she can barely hear her own voice. It's just as dull to her as Kaoru's was.] Please forgive me, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..!
[I never meant to hurt you, I should have stayed away, what have I done to you, I should go right now but I don't want to, I'm going to keep being selfish, I'm going to keep on hurting you, why am I doing this...?!]
I'm sorry. [A deep, shuddering breath, and she shakes her head once more.] Really, I - I'm sorry...
[The roaring in her ears quiets, and she becomes more aware of the tatami mats under her legs, of the table she's half slumped over, of the too-strong grip she has on her hair. She loosens her fingers, but only a little.]
—this will pass. [She can breathe again. Slowly, shakily, but she's breathing rather than gasping.] It always passes... I'm sorry.