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reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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You didn't have any way of knowing they were going to bring me in.

[He needs to stop blaming himself. He really, really needs to stop blaming himself, Chizuru thinks - it's them, all them, it's not him at all. To anticipate things that might go wrong is an impossible job. With thirty people in the game, and the producers keeping such a close watch on things, how could anyone ever perfectly predict what might happen? It's not like Kaoru is or ever has been a mind reader, and the Kaoru of the past had been apart from her for so wrong that it's no small wonder they had drifted apart so much that even with their newfound friendship in the castle he hadn't been able to tell what she was going to do.]

That's probably exactly why they did it... to distract you. Don't you think? [She should be trying to comfort him. This is her way of trying to comfort him - "It's something that couldn't be prevented, so it's inevitable that it worked." The part of her that used to be Yukimura Chizuru knows that's all wrong, but the part of her that still is Nagumo Chizuru is overpowering, and a careful acceptance of inevitabilities is how she's survived for so long.] They knew that I was important to you and that you would become important to me if given the chance to. They knew... They may not have known what you were going to do, but they knew enough of you to know that you would be a threat.

...and they knew enough of me to know that I would be easily molded into their tool.

[A threat, a threat - that's all he's ever been in any iteration of his life. A threat to himself, a threat to those unfortunate enough to stand in his presence, a threat to the people that he held most dear. He's a threat where it counts too, of course - to the unfortunate few that the world would undoubtedly be better off without.

But what good has it done this time? Where has it gotten him? The fact that he had been singled out as a threat before their plan could come to fruition has put two of his closest allies into great - lethal danger. It's driven his sister, the one person that he wanted to protect most of all, into this horrible corner that he's not certain he can help her back out of. It's upturned three years of collective hard work, and what do they have to show for it?

His hands ball into fists, shift to rest against his knees. His expression shifts, too. He may blame himself - he may never be able to stop blaming himself - but that doesn't mean he has no blame to spare for the root of it all.]

They know enough of everyone to be a problem - more than enough. Don't hold that against yourself, either; they can read anyone they put their finger on like an open book. [It's one of the many, many reasons that he hates them all so intensely. A private person never enjoys seeing the contents of their past and mind gutted and laid out for observation.]

That's why... [That's why his job had been so important.] ...They do the things they do because they know chances of success will be high. They have psychology mapped out. They could draw any desired reaction from any person if they had the tools for it, and they always have the tools.

[She is very quiet as she thinks over what he's said. They can ready anyone and They always have the tools... more inevitabilities for her to accept. Were they doomed from the start? Was there any way to get their shared season offscript, to forge the ending the players wanted rather than the ending the producers had planned for?

...Chizuru doesn't think so. Not now that it's becoming so obvious that they used her to ruin her brother's plans.]

So... what... what do we do?

[Her voice is a whisper; she can't bring herself to meet his eyes.]

The producers aren't in Edo. Those people we were trapped with... they aren't in Edo. But we are. Where do we go from here?

[There is some measure of anxiety in her voice. She is terrified that once he accepts that this is her fault - because it's hers, hers and the producers, they tricked her and she let them because she was so desperate for the lies they offered that she didn't stop to think - he'll leave, that he'll see her for the worthless, rotten person she's become. And maybe he would be safer and happier that way, but she doesn't want to be apart from him because he chose it.

She'll leave him to keep him safe, but she can't bear for him to leave her.]

[While Chizuru's concerns are anchored in something much more immediate and concrete, Kaoru's mind is consumed by the distant what-ifs that this scenario brings along with it. He shakes his head at her statement, rubbing the heel of his palm beneath one eye in an anxious gesture.]

I don't know how we're here... We can't actually be here.

[Because he remembers it now - he remembers the survivors of the other seasons and how they had always walked right back into the hands of the Producers after they "won". He remembers how the same thing had nearly happened to all of them - how they had weathered that storm in the cramped shack, walked into the hall of doors and waltzed right back into the main office. How they had only managed to escape because their arrival was unpredicted.

They aren't infallible, then.

Of course they aren't - how could he have existed for so long in that world otherwise? It has him thinking again, brow furrowing, gaze dropping, hand raising to cover his mouth.]

...I don't know what they've done, though. We never really learned the details. [Storage rescue missions hadn't really started up yet. Storage itself wasn't really a priority, all things considered, since they knew so little about it and were primarily focused on taking the Producers down and finding a way back home.]

Wherever we are... isn't there some way out? We're aware of it, so we won't... we can't simply be complacent...

[But there's no way for either of them to know how this works. Maybe they'll only be aware of it for now. The Producers had altered their memories so easily - they cling to their memories now, they're terrified by them, but how long can that last? If they allow themselves to go to sleep, will they wake with the slate wiped clean so they can't pose any sort of a threat?

Or will they remember forever, because entrenched in this as they are, there's nothing they can do to change it?

...Chizuru doesn't know which is worse.]

If this isn't really Edo... does that mean... does that mean it was all in our heads? All of it... The life we lived here... Was it some kind of a dream?

...there must be a way to wake up...

[He shakes his head again at that, and his hand drops down to hover over his chest.]

It's more than just taking place inside of our heads. I mean— it's not real, either, but it isn't... entirely false? If that makes sense.

[Which is followed by a somewhat sour expression, because he knows it probably doesn't. He just doesn't have any better way of trying to express what he means with the limited amount of knowledge he has on the subject. As soon as an appropriate comparison point comes to mind, a little bit of his old and unpleasantly familiar distance resurfaces.]

...I think that it's a lot like executions. You experience them - that much is real. You don't actually die, but it feels like you have. Even if you tell yourself "it wasn't real, it wasn't real", you'll still carry those memories with you as though it were. [That much he knows well, too.]

So escaping from this place... I'm not sure how easy it will be. I've never had to try breaking out from the inside before. [And he's struck for one horrifying second by the creeping, fearful curiosity - is this the first time they've had this conversation before? Is this the first time his memories have returned? The first time she's had to come to terms with being a tool to take others down?

There's really no way of knowing when they're caught so tightly in the hands of the enemy, and that genuinely scares him.]

Edited (I FORGOT HALF MYTAG AND NOW I FORGOT A WORd) 2014-11-02 08:02 (UTC)

[Her stomach churns, and her shoulders sag as she drops her gaze to the ground. This is a mess. It's a mess, and if even Kaoru doesn't know how to get out of it, what hope do they have of actually escaping? Chizuru wants to try and figure out what to do, she wants to, but having already done what she thought was best once and having caused all of this in the first place...

She can't trust her own judgment, clearly. If the Producers have sway over her memories, they could have sway over her thoughts, too, and that means she can't trust her own mind.

And she shouldn't be trusted, she thinks. She just shouldn't. Not after this, and not after she's become such a twisted person after living with these memories of the Nagumo. Even if she did try to help, she doesn't think she could do it selflessly anymore. There would always be some dark, bitter, selfish aspect to whatever she does - even coming here to see Kaoru was selfish, it was purely because she wanted to see him, and now she's hurt him so badly by only thinking of herself...]

I'm sorry. [Her voice is a whisper.] It doesn't change anything, but I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... All of this, it's... [Agitated, one hand comes up to grip her hair again, and she winds her fingers into the strands and holds onto them tightly.] It's because—!

[She hates them, she hates them, she hates them. She hates the Producers for backing them into this corner, and she hates herself for making it worse.]

There must be a way out. There must be—

[Is it really over? It can't be over. If it's over, if they're trapped here for good and she never has a chance to atone for her mistakes, then...]

...executions. Those— You said it's like the executions? [...oh no.] Then— If we die here—? Will that put an end to this? Will that wake us up?

[Automatically, Kaoru's hand rises to meet Chizuru's when she winds her fingers through her hair in that familiar gesture. A small part of him almost wishes that he didn't understand why it's so familiar now, but what's done is done. He won't allow himself to get caught and delayed on such a trivial thing when there are bigger dangers ahead.

But when she says that, his expression drops sharply into something harsh but clearly concerned.]

Something like that is way too dangerous. The Producers have control over everything in that game, so life and death is as simple as flicking a switch for them. Even though we're still under their thumb here, dying would be a deviation from their plans. [A sharp shake of his head. His brow furrows a little. This train of thought is a very, very poor one and he's marginally concerned about what a slippery slope it could become.]

We can't risk it. If we're wrong...

I hate them. I hate them, Kaoru.

[Her voice breaks. Hatred isn't something Chizuru admits to easily; it's something that, in the past, she preferred to keep locked up until she could move past it, and in this life it's something too dangerous to show because if the Nagumo knew exactly how much she hated them, if they knew every unkind thought she ever had about them and every little way she wanted to make their lives difficult, they would have made her suffer much more than they already have - and they've made her suffer quite a bit.

But in the Producers' case, she can make an exception.]

A world where they have control over everything, over what we see and think and feel and remember... I don't want it. I don't want it, I don't want it— I don't want to live in that kind of a world!

I know you do. I do, too.

[Kaoru's never really been one to hide his hatred where it matters. He puts on a show of being kind and friendly, but there's always a breaking point - a moment where he decides "this is enough" and lets his true intentions and feelings shine through clearly. It's usually meant to repulse the people that he doesn't want near, and that's a good goal to aim for, as far as he's concerned.

Hatred isn't always enough, though. He had felt hatred and anger so deep once that they had been his sustenance, but he was still left empty. His hatred of the Producers had been the driving force that bound him to the other members of his season. In a way, his closeness with them had started because of the people that he hates so much. He would in no way thank them for it, not ever, but the truth of the matter remains.

What can hatred do here? It won't break them out of whatever bizarre world they've ended up in.]

...We'll have to find out a second way to leave. As much as I hate the possibility of them altering things, it would be worse to risk never being able to wake up again.

[...Is it really? There's a part of him that is repulsed by the notion of being erased by this group that he hates so much, molded and shaped into something new as easily as someone can snap their fingers. It's intrusive and deeply disturbing. His free hand rises, tugging at the sloping front of the cozy haori that he never should have owned, used over imagined years to keep back the bite of fall and winter. It no longer seems a comfort.]

...I don't know about that.

[The tension is starting to drain out of her, but almost everything else is, too. Her hand falls away from her hair, coming to rest limply at her side, and her shoulders sag. It almost seems as if she lacks the energy to hold herself up.

She's tired. She's so tired. All those years with the Nagumo - how much of that is what would have happened if she had been the one to be taken for real, and how much of that is the Producers trying to make her suffer simply because they can? All of that, and for this... meeting her brother face-to-face in this world has just made him suffer, now.

...maybe that's what they were going for. Punishing Kaoru for daring to stand up to the game - they had used her to hurt him before. So of course they would make what happened to her in this life be as painful as possible for him. And of course they would have made it so that he would remember everything if they ever met...

She doesn't want to be their tool anymore.]

It might be worth it... if it could keep them from making us into pawns. [And then there's a sudden vehemence in her voice, though her expression is still mostly drained.] I'd rather die than be their toy ever again—! I don't want... I don't want to do what they expect, what they want...

[She wants to spite them, just as she wanted to spite the Nagumo clan.]

[That's something he can understand deeply, and it almost makes him feel tired just watching her. He's experienced that a lot over the past three years - feeling tired, feeling helpless. It's terrible, knowing that there's still such a steep road ahead after working for so, so long.

He reaches forward again, a little hesitant this time after her reaction the last time. Eventually, his fingertips will come to rest against her fallen hand, gentle and attempting to be reassuring even though nothing in this situation can really reassure.]

I'm— ["Sorry", he wants to say, but he doesn't want to apologize either. Or rather - he does, but he doesn't want to open up the conversation that will surely follow.] ...It won't be worth it. I don't— I don't want to lose you again. I've already been gone from you for so long...

[Even before this, back in that horrible world, it had been three years since he had last been able to see his sister's face in person. An entire lifetime of lies just deepens the gap, and he won't have it.]

We'll find a way to bring them down, but not at a risk to you.

So what then..?

[The vehemence is gone from her voice, now, replaced with exhaustion. She is too worn down to pull her hand away from Kaoru's, but maybe she wouldn't do so anyway - her fingers twitch and her hand shifts as if to take his, but she doesn't have the energy to do that, either.]

Do we— Do we just do as we were before...? Continuing to live out our lives like this, biding our time...

[If they're being monitored in this world - because of course they are, but maybe they're not being monitored too closely because they've been like this for years and years now, maybe they're no longer a priority - do they have to go back to what they were doing before this visit? Kaoru living out his days in Edo, helping Kodo with the ochimizu, and Chizuru back in Tosa—]

I don't want to go back to that horrible clan, but if I don't they'll know something's changed—

["They" being the producers.]

And I don't, I don't want you involved with the ochimizu here...! What was the old man thinking? How could he involve you with that...?! You were supposed to be safer!

[...yeeeeah, whoops, she forgot she'd been trying to keep her snooping a secret.]

[He seems content to just keep his hand against hers for the time being, though his expression immediately sours at the idea of just having to pretend that nothing had happened in case an invisible, omniscient force were to notice something was amiss and forcibly change things.]

I don't want you to go back, either. If I ask, would you please stay with me...? We can make it seem like a more natural transition. Living in that sort of environment, it would make sense for you to want to escape, right?

[It's a somewhat slapshod attempt at keeping things together, but he'd take the risk if it meant keeping Chizuru safe.

Before he can say anything else, though, she's carrying onward and what she says is enough to leave him briefly surprised. The note that he had left in the plant is long forgotten now.]

How did you know about that—?

[She wants to say Yes, always yes but she's not sure if she can. She knows Kaoru was skilled enough to slay them in his first life - but in this one? He's regaining his memories, but what about learned skills? Swordsmanship, self-defense... If escaping brings down the wrath of the Nagumo clan on both of them, and he gets hurt...

She doesn't want that. She doesn't want that. Staying with him is something she wants so incredibly badly, but - not at the risk of hurting him...

Before she can do much more than shake her head a little uselessly, though, he's picked up on her slipup and there is a moment where her expression is blankly confused. Why wouldn't he know that she - oh, right... because she'd done it in secret, looking through the kitchen even after his attempts at cleaning up.

Chizuru closes her eyes and sighs lightly.]

You weren't... very subtle about keeping me from seeing whatever was in the kitchen. Knowing what I know about the old man's involvement with the ochimizu, how could I not be suspicious? [And after the castle, how could she not snoop around?]

[The comment makes his brow knit together a little, because now that he is remembering things, he's a little embarrassed... about himself... There were very few things in his life that he really took pride in, but since he relied so heavily on manipulation to get through, he sort of held his ability to do so in semi decent regard. It's shitty but he really didn't have many other talents...

Moreover, flopping so hard just further drives in what a different person he had become at the whim of that group of people he hates so much.]

...It's not that surprising, if you think about it. [His head cants to the side a little.] With your gentle personality, he wouldn't have wanted to risk dragging you into this mess. Maybe because he really did care for you... [Or maybe just because even with his more subdued personality, he still wouldn't have been as much of a liability as the Chizuru of those days would have.

He doesn't want to suggest something like that, though, even if he thinks it may have something to do with Kodo's decision regardless of whether or not the first part is true.]

It isn't work that I'm heavily involved in, at least. Or— I was more involved in it before.

[Chizuru tends to think it was more because he worried she would be a liability - and the nightmare incentive from the castle, so many years ago, is to blame for that. Nightmares of a future where Okita died, where Kaoru died, where Kodo died, and where she survived still haunt her, sometimes, when she doesn't have enough things to focus on to keep those thoughts at bay; she remembers just how bloodthirsty Kodo had been in his pursuit of a kingdom of rasetsu.

(Of course the Producers never showed her the future where he saved her from death at Kaoru's hands.)

Knowing how badly he had wanted it, she can't help but think the only reason she was never involved was because he thought she would get in the way.]

...he probably just thought that I would make a mess of things. [She smiles, and it's only a little bit bitter.] And it's true. As soon as I found out about the ochimizu the first time... well, I don't think he wanted me to try and keep people from going mad.

[No man would want the girl he raised as a daughter to let strange men drink her blood, but THERE YOU GO...]

Is there - is there any way you can become entirely uninvolved with it now? That sort of a concoction... it's not safe. It does so many terrible things to the people who drink it, and the human politicians who know of it... if they come to believe they can rely on you to do their bidding, they'll never leave you alone. I don't want that for you.

[YEAH WOW CHIZURU... It's not like Kodo was concerned for any legitimate reason or anything!! Poor Kodo and his besmirched reputation.

At that statement, his expression drops into something a little more flat and difficult to read. He hadn't really minded his involvement in the ochimizu beforehand because information about it had been delivered to him in a subtly manipulative way. He's the only one who can do it, he'll be helping people in the long run, no one else will have to dirty their hands - likely all similar reasons that would have convinced Chizuru, if she had been asked in the first place and hadn't seen the foul effects of ochimizu first-hand. Now, though...]

If they try something like that, then their luck might become poor enough for them to have an accident.

[A sign that he really is coming back to himself; the Kaoru that had been a result of the Producer's meddling and Chizuru's desire to give him a better life wouldn't consider such a thing, but he says it like it's second nature.]

I don't have any personal use for that anymore, anyway, so there's no reason for me to continue helping.

Edited 2014-11-07 03:11 (UTC)

[Look, if Kodo gave a damn about his bad reputation, maybe he should have refrained from doing bad things...]

...if they do have an accident, I'll help.

[She has absolutely no qualms about that, at least; the Nagumo clan has stayed alive so far because she hasn't wanted to draw any attention to the single Yukimura twin they've obtained and cause anyone to wonder what happened to the other - that could cause demonic attention to fall on Kaoru, and that wasn't something she wanted for him, either. That's the only reason she has stayed her hand in regards to that clan. But she has no problems killing for his sake, and if a group of politicians is going to die, then she will absolutely involve herself to make sure that there isn't anything leading back to Kaoru.]

But I'm glad that you won't be involved with that anymore. I'm so glad... [The part of her that used to be Chizuru Yukimura allows But what if I helped him with it instead, and got to meet the Shinsengumi again? to flit across the back of her mind, but she pushes that thought away. This isn't about her being happy; it's about keeping Kaoru safe.]

[Kodo doesn't think things through...

But his brow furrows at that, because this Kaoru can't condone Chizuru bloodying her hands for his sake. He's had enough time to work through some things, even if he hasn't had the additional development that he was allowed during the course of the game as it should have run, and he no longer wishes for this sort of "evenness".

Too little too late, essentially.]

You won't have to worry about that anymore. [A fleeting smile. He can't muster much more than that just yet, out of practice with deceit as he is.]

...I'm sorry, though. Without even realizing it, I've caused you so much concern.

[Chizuru doesn't think things through either... In this twisted state, she would be thrilled if someone offered to kill her enemies for her. She wants to be protected as much as she wants to protect her brother. It doesn't even occur to her that he might not want her to bloody her hands until his brow furrows.]

You're my brother, so of course I'd be concerned about you... you don't have to apologize for that.

[She brings up a hand so that her fingertips can brush against his cheek in a fleeting, affectionate gesture, but then she's seized by a sudden fear that his apology and the furrowing of his brows means he disapproves, that he remembers the sort of person he once was and has equated that with her now. If he doesn't want anything to do with his old self, how can he want anything to do with her?]

I really, really love you... you believe me, right? You believe that I could never, ever lie about that?

[She'll lie about pretty much anything else, but... not that. Never that.]

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reunion;;

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