chizuru "would you jerks stop leaving me" yukimura (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
derepressed) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
recountal2014-05-30 12:09 am
derepressed) wrote in recountal2014-05-30 12:09 am
bloodlust;;
After Aburano Koji.
Shinsengumi Headquarters, Harada & Nagakura's Room.
Shinsengumi Headquarters, Harada & Nagakura's Room.
[It's been nearly a week since Aburano Koji, but Chizuru still sees red every time she closes her eyes. The streets, their clothing, their blades. Red. Everything, red.
Heisuke had suffered a grievous wound, and there were so many witnesses that when he took the ochimizu, there was no recourse but to declare him dead, because too many people had seen him take a blow that should have been fatal. Too many people could bear witness to the sort of injury that would have killed anyone else, and it would have raised too many questions for him to make a miraculous recovery. He was waiting out his transition with the rest of the Corps, and Chizuru can't help but think that it must be so incredibly lonely.
Sano and Shinpachi, on the other hand, had also suffered terrible wounds - but they were not so publicized. The full extent of how badly they had been injured hadn't come to light until after the return to headquarters, when so many people were occupied with Heisuke's injury and "death" that it was possible for them to take the serum and recover without arousing too much suspicion. They're confined to one room to wait out the change (because, should they be separated, one would inevitably seek out the other, and if something happened in public during that trip...!), and Chizuru is with them now, caring for them to the best of her ability.
She has cups of tea, not sake, to go along with their meal. In truth, she's not sure it's a great idea to be giving them alcohol while their bodies are still trying to adjust to the change. And so she sets one in front of Sano and one in front of Shinpachi, fixing them both with a smile as she does so and then turning to spoon rice into bowls.]
Please, eat as much as you like... [They need their strength. She's gone out of her way to make sure they have nutritious foods; she wants to make this transition as easy for them as possible. If Sannan would let her do so, she would do the same for Heisuke, but he still didn't allow her to freely walk through the rooms where the rest of the Corps was housed.] There's plenty for seconds, and if there's anything you need, I--
[Her words are cut off with a slight gasp because, as she speaks, she accidentally scrapes her finger against a sharp edge of one of the bowls - where some of the ceramic had chipped away and left a hazard. Immediately, she curls her hand into a tight fist and brings it close to her chest, trying to minimize the smell of blood - because it's clearly the last thing they need.]
U-um...
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But mostly he's worried about his friends. He hasn't seen Heisuke since that night and has no idea how he's adapting. It feels wrong, so wrong to be separated from him like this, but Sano also knows it can't be helped, not right now. The first night after turning is always the most dangerous because they don't quite know if that person will pull through, but the following days are just as important. If everything is steady, then surely things will be fine. And if they haven't received word of anything terrible happening, then that must be good news...
And then there's Shinpachi, the man who has sworn up and down time and time again that he would never drink the ochimizu, that a warrior goes into battle knowing he could die at any time and is prepared for that. Really, Sano is grateful he hasn't been separated from Shinpachi, too, because he just does not know what he would do on his own.
It's all a mess, but they've made their beds and now they must lie in them.
At least Chizuru has been a bright point in the midst of this uncertainty. Her concern is evident on her face, even if she doesn't mean for it to be so obvious, but just the fact that she spends time with them is enough. They haven't been cut off completely, even if only a select few know of their new status.
So it's with a gentle smile that Sano accepts the tea and the rice. But as he's about to take the first bite, there's that sharp intake of breath and Sano looks up just in time to see her pull her hand to her chest.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened. And with his heightened sensitivity, despite her best efforts, he can still just barely smell that metallic hint in the air. And that is not good. That is not good at all.
Swallowing thickly, Sano angles his entire body more toward Shinpachi, trying to distract himself and his friend from what has just happened.]
Chizuru always...always makes the best tea, doesn't she?
[Maybe neither of them will notice the way his hands grip his bowl more tightly than necessary.]
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It hasn't been much different the past few days, really. If anything, you could almost say that it seems like the ochimizu really did suck all the life out of Shinpachi, being much more quiet than he ever has been at any point. He does bother to make some conversation with Chizuru when she's there or with Sano when he speaks up to him, but he mostly just lets the two of them talk when she comes to bring them food while he idly pokes at his rice without feeling any real desire to eat, even though he'd usually be munching away (and taking Heisuke's portion along with it, too, but the fact that Heisuke isn't even allowed to stay with them only makes the room even more quiet half of the time).
It's not that there aren't a few things he's glad for - he is glad for Chizuru's company, even if he might not show it much, and he's incredibly glad that at the very least Sano and Heisuke didn't die back there. He may not know if Heisuke is entirely doing okay (but he does hope so or all of this will have been for nothing) but having his other best friend here in the room with him at least makes everything a tiny bit easier to bear. (Only a tiny bit, though, because he took the ochimizu after saying for so long that he wouldn't, after thinking it was the worst thing that could happen to a person, after-- well, everything, and even though it's been a few days and his hair has been the usual brown again, he's still completely disgusted with himself.
It's probably why instead of his usual loud venting and ranting, he instead practically clams up completely.)
But as he waits for Sano and Chizuru to start the same small talk they've been having the past few days, he can smell something too, much more quickly than he normally would have. There's no mistaking the smell of blood, thickly entering his nosetrils, and his head snaps up to look at the direction it's coming from.
Something tingles faintly in his chest. Ugh. Ugh.
He easily recognizes the redhead's attempt at steering their thoughts away from the blood on Chizuru's finger, but it's hard to ignore. But he has to, they have to, he knows-- ]
Y.. yeah. It's pretty good. [ It's half-mumbled, and his cup of tea hasn't even been touched yet, let alone him having had enough to make some good judgement about it, but he ignores that obvious fact. There's enough to deal with right now, and by god is he going to stay in control of himself if he can help it.
He glances at Chizuru (not at her hand close to her chest, not at her finger, not at the blood) and swallows. ]
Thanks. .. Uh, for bringing it.
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[Sano's compliment - indirect as it is, because he's addressing Shinpachi, not her, but she can definitely understand why (she looks down at her hand and curses herself for being so clumsy, wills her demonic powers to just hurry and heal the wound, but that won't do anything to fix the problem of the tang of blood being in the air already) - makes her blush... which is another problem in and of it self, as blushing means there's blood pooling in her cheeks.
She never really thought about it before, but even when there are no wounds, just having people around is a huge risk, because there's so much blood just under the surface of their skin. But it's too, too sad for the rasetsu to just be locked up and left alone, too, and the rank-and-file would think it strange if Sano and Shinpachi were suddenly just locked up.
...or maybe not. Maybe it could have been passed off as them being put into solitary confinement for breaking curfew out in Shimabara, or something.]
Thank you... um. [She looks up and smiles a little weakly at them, still keeping her hand balled up into that fist and pressing it to her chest like that will keep the smell of blood from spreading. She is almost scared to move - if she stays still maybe she can contain it, but getting up and going for the door will stir the air around her and will make the smell of blood waft even closer to the two of them, and she can't do that to them, she just can't. It's not her own safety she's worried about - it's that smelling the blood might well cause them more pain than they're in already.]
You're... you're welcome. I want to help, so... if there's ever anything I can do for you, at any time...
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Nothing may have happened yet, but that smell practically hangs over their heads and while Sano can appreciate that Chizuru tries not to make things worse, the fact remains that she is right there and she smells -
Sano doesn't want his thoughts to go down that path, not when she's been nothing but kind to all of them and doesn't deserve such treatment. She's a good woman, not someone who should be tainted by them, not even by his own thoughts. Quickly, he begins to eat the rice, hoping to distract himself with busyness, but all too quickly it becomes apparent that it tastes bland. He tries the tea afterward. Surely something will work.
But it, too, is not as good as he knows it can be. Really, everything at this point is starting to become muted in a sense, and Sano just knows if he looks over at Chizuru, he'll probably try to hone in on her hand, where there must be at least some blood drying on her finger.
Blood.
His heart pounds in his ears and he clenches his teeth, trying to keep himself calm. He hasn't gone crazy yet, so he must be able to control this curse somehow. It just takes a lot of effort. He can do this. He has to do this.]
You're too kind to us, Chizuru.
[He speaks quietly, but even that much is a mistake, for as he does, he can practically taste her blood on the air, the almost sickly sweet fragrance settling on his tongue, and though he can tell himself no over and over, it just becomes useless.
Right before he squeezes his eyes shut, he sees his bangs turn a stark white.
The spirit may be willing, but the flesh is weak.]
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But he - especially like this - wouldn't want to impose on her, and he's pretty sure Sano feels the same considering he only says she's too kind to them and nothing else. It's not like there's anything she can do for them anyway, right? They're the ones who made this choice, and they'll have to live with it.
It's just that living with it and not involving her is a lot harder when she's right there and bleeding and it's oh so obvious to anyone with a rasetsu's senses for blood. Shinpachi grits his teeth and tries to make it not seem too obvious, but the way he frowns at his bowl of rice is already saying enough about how he's trying to bite the thought of the blood back as well as he can.
But then there's something in the corner of his eye, something turning incredibly white, and as he turns his head slightly he realises it's Sano's hair. God, no, not now, come on, he's holding back too, isn't he-- (but at the same time he's also aware there's no such thing as holding back, it's not something you can just fight the way they do with everything.) ]
Sano! [ The name comes out as more of a hiss than anything else, and Shinpachi's hand lashes out to grab his best friend's wrist tightly, as if that'll make sure Sano won't just lose control entirely out of the blue. Just in case it could suddenly turn that bad. But small drips of sweat are already clinging to his headband as well as he tries so desperately to not let the same thing happen to him. Chizuru doesn't have to deal with this, not with both of them, not with either of them.
But the more he looks at Sano as if he's trying to will the others hair back to the usual red, he can feel himself slipping as well (he's so thirsty all of a sudden) and instead it's his eyes that turn red and his hair white.
He curses to himself and doesn't even want to look in Chizuru's direction just so he can maybe keep his actions under control, even if he can't say the same for his appearance - but he speaks to her all the same. What's important is making sure that she doesn't become the victim of their decisions, so-- ]
C-Chizuru-chan. You should leave.. [ For her own sake, so she doesn't get caught up in whatever might happen, they'll bear this somehow, they've dealt with plenty of shit in the past, so--
He squeezes Sano's wrist, as if he's clinging onto it like an anchor. ]
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[How can she be "too kind," when she can't even do anything to make this easier on them? If only she could so something to ease their pain, or heal their wounds and make it so they didn't have to be rasetsu in the first place. If only she could give them their humanity back.
But she can't. And it's her father that developed the ochimizu - who brought it to the Shinsengumi and refined it to the point that it became acceptable for them to use it on the captains, not just on those whose only other choice was to commit seppuku, so in a way it's her responsibility to do something - anything. The sins of the father, and so on.
...but she can't. Even her attempt at keeping still and not spreading the smell of blood hasn't work, and she swears she can feel it as all color drains out of her face when Sano's hair lightens to an eerie, snow-like white.]
Harada-san..!
[No... no, this is definitely her own fault. If only she'd been more careful, if only she'd left as soon as she'd been cut, before the smell of blood could spread, if she'd only - opened a door, to air the room out, but now they can't do that because if anyone sees...
...and then her eyes go wide as she looks to Shinpachi and sees that he, too, is succumbing to the ochimizu's curse.]
Nagakura-san... I-I can't just go!
[There has to be something she can do to help. Something, anything - one rasetsu on the loose had been bad enough, that night when he'd broken into her room and the captains had come to her aid, but he had at least been expendable (she feels sick thinking that but it's true). Sano and Shinpachi are irreplaceable, though, and she can't risk someone seeing them, can't risk them going on some sort of a rampage and having to be put down -
Can't risk another discovery like Itou's discovery of Sannan, can't risk another split in the Shinsengumi that could lead to another Aburano Koji, and--
Wait.
Sannan. That night. He'd been overcome by the smell of the blood, they were going to fight him, but... He'd lapped some of it up, and...
She looks down at her hand.]
There's... something I can do. [Her voice is small, disbelieving, detached - why didn't it occur to her sooner? And how, how is she going to make them accept it? They don't want to be monsters. They don't want to drink blood. But Sannan's madness had quelled when he'd had a taste of it, so maybe...
Just maybe...
Her hand is trembling, but she holds it out to them - the injured one - for whichever of them is willing to make the first move to take. The wound has mostly healed, but it's raw enough that a little pressure could easily reopen it.]
Just try it... A little of it. I-if it helps, there's... I've got plenty...
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But this time he's a prisoner to his own body and the burn he feels coursing through his veins isn't one of relief that his body is whole. This time he aches and his insides feel like they try to devour themselves, but it will do no good. He knows what he needs to sate this lust and it's the one thing he doesn't want to taste, despite his mouth opening of its own accord so he can taste Chizuru's blood on the air again, a choked noise accompanying the action.
That's as far as he gets, though, because Sano is still in control of his mind and he will not move. His free hand grips Shinpachi's forearm, anchoring himself as he friend does to him. He can hear Chizuru's words break through the haze of pain, however, and even though he wills himself to stay put, he still turns to face her quickly, his eyes - red and glowing with a primal need - open again and finding her offered finger.
There's still an insignificant amount of blood on that finger, hardly enough to do anything, he's sure, and yet he can't look away, even as he struggles to speak.]
No. No, don't you...don't you dare.
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And he can hear the same sentiment in Sano's voice, in the way the other guy suddenly tightly holds onto his arm. He knows his friend doesn't want to drink blood either, let alone Chizuru's - they agree on that. Of course they agree on it, they usually already agree but especially on this - they can't hurt Chizuru. They can't let themselves turn into something they're not.
It should be that simple.
But it never is that simple when it comes down to it. Since even without looking at the girl, Shinpachi can just smell the blood, it's like it's everywhere even though it's only a small bit on her finger, even though it's such a tiny bit present it's enough to take over all of his other thoughts.
And it does take over. For a moment, anyway, since Shinpachi's head does snap up in the direction of Chizuru's hand, her finger, her blood, and all he can do is keep staring at it, completely mesmerized. All he can see is red, the blood right there, and he knows he needs it since his chest hurts so much and the only thing that's going to help it is that blood, it's the only way he's going to stop feeling like his own body is trying to crush itself, it's so easy, all he has to do is move over and drink some, doesn't he usually already drink to get rid of his problems (never this, though, a small voice tells him in the back of his mind and tries to pull him back) so it's completely natural.
Without even realising what he's doing, his body is moving by instinct, trying to get closer to Chizuru -- and the only thing that stops him and makes him snap back once more is the hold on his arm that blocks him from moving much further. Thankfully, Shinpachi thinks, once he's fully in control of his own thoughts again. But the smell of the blood hasn't subsided, nor the way it makes his heart pound in the most painful way.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, this is exactly why he never wanted to turn into a rasetsu, is living really worth it when it's like this, when you're not even in control of yourself half of the time over something as stupid as this..
The man groans, gritting his teeth without looking at either of the two others. ] At this rate we're gonna lose it..
[ And he can't let that happen. He can't stop being himself, he just can't, he doesn't want to be a monster, he doesn't want to expose Chizuru to that and he doesn't want it to happen to Sano either-- but there's jack shit he can do about it. ]
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[It's selfish of her to keep offering them her blood, when they're trying so hard to resist it - but what if that resistance is what ultimately causes someone to snap? If going without for too long is what causes them to descend into madness? Sannan has lasted a long time, she knows that. Between the refined ochimizu and his own personal strength of will, he's managed to hold out.
But he had nearly succumbed, too. He had been so close to becoming a mindless creature, as mad as the man who had broken into her room or the men who had nearly murdered her on the streets so long ago, and she doesn't want that for either Sanosuke or Shinpachi. There has to be some way to save them.
But without a cure for the ochimizu, all anyone can hope to do is stifle the effects. She doesn't know why her blood helped Sannan calm down. Maybe it has something to do with what she is - with why she heals from wounds so quickly... she doesn't know.
It might help them, though, and it's so selfish of her because they're willing to try and endure it, and it's just her that is insisting on finding a quick way to end their pain. They're willing to take the pain in order to cling to the last shreds of their humanity, and she's...
She just wants them to stop hurting.]
...it might help you. It really might help make the pain stop... you don't have to keep doing it. [She's vaguely aware that there are tears in her eyes, and she brings up her uninjured hand to wipe at them.] It will just be this once... you're still recovering from your injuries at Aburano-Koji. After you've fully recovered, you can look into other methods, but for now... please, don't keep making yourselves suffer...!
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Easy words to say, but does Chizuru even know how naive they are? Yes, maybe they are strong enough to resist the urge after a moment of weakness here, but what if they aren't? Everything that offers itself up as pleasure has the potential to be addicting. The pleasure of sake. The pleasure of sex.
Her blood smells so good and Sano can imagine the feel of his tongue lapping up the remnants from her finger as if he were already doing it. But he just holds onto Shinpachi even more tightly instead, his fingers pressing hard into his skin. If they were still human - and what a strange, depressing realization it continues to be that they aren't human anymore - then he would undoubtedly leave bruises, but with the effects of the ochimizu, he knows he won't.
They can never go back to the way things were.
They're always going to suffer, even if their bodies won't show it.]
Chiz...uru...
[Her name is choked out and Sano has to take a moment to swallow against the misery before he can try again.]
It won't just be one time.
[Still holding onto Shinpachi, Sano can't help but lean forward a little bit, his eyes still on Chizuru's hand, even as he continues to speak.]
You tempt us now and if we give in, we'll just want more. And more, and more, and...and then...you'll bleed and bleed and run dry.
[He hates speaking so bluntly toward her about this, especially when Sano makes an effort to make her feel comfortable whenever he can, but he's not in the right frame of mind to make that effort. Besides, maybe the shock factor will work, too.]
I won't...turn into those poor men who have nothing left.
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Maybe that thought combined with Sano's grip on his arm are the only things that still keep him from completely losing it here though. Especially since the latter is so strong and tight and filled with a strength that's not even human. It's still nothing compared to the way his body feels like it's trying to burn itself up, but it's enough to be distractingly painful, which is a good thing in this situation. ]
S.. Sano's ri-- [ He really wants to open his mouth and agree with Sano, add to it, tell her that they'll be okay so she should stop risking herself-- but just as he does open his mouth to do just that, a surge of pain and want shoots through him again. ] Kch..! [ The hand that's not clinging onto the other man reaches up to grab uselessly at his chest, his fingers practically trying to dig into his skin, rip the pain straight out, but of course it's useless. He closes his eyes and his breathing gets heavier - it's like the pain is trying to rip him right apart, it's nothing like anything he's ever felt and he's had to endure plenty of physical pain. But even so, he's determined to put up with it, he has to.
It lasts a moment that feels like an eternity (even though he knows it's just a matter of waiting for the next surge, surely it's not over that easily) and then his hand stills again. It's only now that he realises just how tightly his other hand was grabbing onto Sano's wrist as well, and he doesn't let that grip go - he wouldn't dare to, at this point - and instead just sits there trying to gather himself again with his head hanging down just a little bit.
Catching his breath, he also can't do much more than choke out her name. ]
Chizuru-ch.. chan..
[ His mind means for it to sound like a protest, telling her to get away, to leave them to this since it's only trouble for her and it's not like they want to drink blood-- but the body's desire trinkles through in his voice, almost making it sound more like an invitation for her to get closer already. ]
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[She almost says that she doesn't mind if it's more than once. That she doesn't mind giving her blood, if it's for Sano and Shinpachi - if it helps keep them more grounded and more sane. But she's sure that isn't what either of them wants to hear, and when Sano continues, she's glad she held her tongue.
You'll bleed and bleed and run dry - Chizuru isn't afraid of that, not really. What she's more afraid of is the damage it would do to them if something did go wrong, if they drank her blood and it made them go mad and they lost the pieces of their sanity that they've managed to retain against all odds. If trying to help them just ends up hurting them...
She's conflicted, and that conflict is so clear in her expression. She starts to say something--
But is cut off by Shinpachi's grunt of pain. Her eyes go wide when he grabs at his chest and she wishes desperately - she wishes more than anything - that there was something she could do for the both of them. Shinpachi's pain is excruciating to watch, and Sano's bloodlust started at the same time, does that mean he's going to be hurting so much more, too...?]
Nagakura-san...!
[She doesn't know what to do. She just doesn't know what to do. They've made it clear even in their pain that they don't want her blood (there's something in the tone of Shinpachi's voice that makes her wonder if he's wavering, but when he was clearheaded he'd said no and even with her protests that it might help, that's what she should be respecting, isn't it? What he wants when he can think clearly?), so there has to be something else she can do for them - she can't just abandon them.
Her wound is mostly healed. Before she does anything else, she brings her finger to her lips and licks away the blood left on it - they're not going to drink it, so she needs to remove the temptation. There might still be the scent of it in the air (and on her lips, now, but she's just thinking of getting it out of the immediately obvious area), but at least the blood won't be dripping.
A moment later, she shifts over to be closer to them, a hand coming up to each one of their shoulders to squeeze it encouragingly. She can't leave; there's no way she can turn a blind eye to their pain, and even if she could, someone has to be here to make sure they don't go really mad and break out and go on a rampage. She can't give them blood; they don't want it. All she can do is try and help them through it.]
You're going to be alright... I promise. You're going to be alright. [If she sounds like she's crying, that's because she is, but she's careful to keep her head ducked so they can't see.] You're both so strong. You can make it through this...!
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He has to keep a hold of himself. He has to he has to but it's so hard when he's on fire and Chizuru has licked the blood away and brought attention to her lips and -
Is she crying?
No, gods, it's all too much. Sano can't handle this all at once. He's still a new rasetsu and getting used to how everything operates, but he's also still him, right? And he can't stand to see - or hear - a woman cry, especially if it's his fault.
And it is partially his fault this time.
But what can he do?
(He wants to wrap himself around her and use his body as a shield against the cruelties of the world and wipe her tears away and see her smile again, but he can't because he's not used to his new strength and what if he hurt her and made her bleed and)
Still clinging to Shinpachi, Sano instead leans closer to Chizuru, pressing his forehead against the top of her head. And he speaks, his voice low and gruff, coming out harsher than he intends.]
Don't cry.
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And Chizuru being closer certainly doesn't help, even if the cut has healed up and the blood is gone. Because the smell of the blood still lingers in his mind, in his mouth, making him feel sick to his very stomach when she places a hand on her shoulder. It's true that it's really a good thing that Sano is a rasetsu with as tightly as he's clinging onto the other guy with the last hopes of keeping himself together instead of coming undone right then and there.
As he swallows thickly, he can hear Sano speaking to Chizuru, and when he looks out of the corner of his eye he can see him placing his forehead against her head. Shinpachi sucks in a deep breath - that's good, at least. Sano's always been much, much better at this whole dealing with girls (especially ones that are sad) thing than he has been, so maybe he can make her feel a little better, maybe he can convince her to leave after all and then they'll.. they'll figure out something together. Just like they've always done. (Can they still do that now?)
The man keeps himself out of it for a moment so he can deal with gaining control over the pain and his mind again as the other two talk, one hand still wrapped around Sano's wrist, the other clutched against his chest as he bites back the pain. He's a warrior, he's used to this, he'll get through it. If not just so they don't have to see her cry. ]
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They deserve better than to have been transformed by the concoction her father had helped to create.
When Sano rests his forehead on her head, she shifts her hands down from his and Shinpachi's shoulders to rub small circles for comfort into their backs. She can see that Shinpachi is gripping Sano's wrist so tightly, that he's clutching his other hand against his chest; she can hear the strain in Sano's voice when he tells her not to cry.]
My tears will stop... when your pain stops.
[If you're hurt, it hurts me, too. She isn't sure when that became true, but it is - seeing them in pain causes her pain, though it's nowhere near as intense as what they're feeling. She's not sure she'll ever be able to fully understand how bad it feels for them - she just knows that she wants it to stop.
She doesn't want either one of them to ever have to suffer like this.]