chizuru "would you jerks stop leaving me" yukimura (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
derepressed) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
recountal2014-06-09 08:26 pm
derepressed) wrote in recountal2014-06-09 08:26 pm
reunion;;
Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.
[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...
This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.
She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.
She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -
The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]
Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...
[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.
She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]
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Looking back on it now, it's much easier to watch. With shaking fingers, he reaches up to touch the back of Chizuru's hands, trying to get her to ease up on the tugging. it's a familiar gesture, and he doesn't want to see it on her. Another sign that he had failed, he had irreparably failed her. Can he even call himself an older brother?]
The me of that time... [Was better off buried, honestly, but even his shaky mind realizes that saying so aloud would be cruel to Chizuru, further invalidating everything she's sacrificed to reach this point.]
...I— I never really resented you. It was hard for you... I understood that. I did... It wasn't your fault that you forgot. I knew that. When you were carried away from that building, I was happy... I just wanted you to be able to stop crying. You always cried so much, and I was— upset... I wanted to be there to wipe your tears away.
[But days had become weeks, then months, then years. Every little doubt he had held about himself and his life had been found and torn open by the people housing him until he was convinced that his own parents had never loved him, until just the thought of Chizuru living a happy life in blissful ignorance was enough to make him white-hot with rage.]
—I never told you, but I loved you, still. I just wanted to be together with you again. [And it manifested in the most gruesome way possible.]
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[She flinches away from his touch when he puts his hand to hers, and in doing so she nearly loses her balance and tumbles off the porch - but she just barely manages not to by pulling one hand from her hair in order to catch herself, so his attempt at getting her to ease up sort of works. But only sort of, because the hand that remains in her hair tugs even harder to make up for the one that's out.]
Stop, stop, stop..! That can't... If that's the truth, then I never understood— Any of it...?
[She never understood him. They're twins, but she never understood. She saw the good in a group of vicious killers like the Shinsengumi, but she'd thought the worst of her brother - of her twin... it had been so easy to doubt her own flesh and blood, to think him selfish and cruel. Maybe it's because, deep down, she was also selfish.
Had it really been about saving him? Or had it been about claiming her brother by any means necessary? Making him indebted to her for the peaceful life he could live—
As a Yukimura, it probably hadn't been, but she's a Nagumo now and the seed of bitterness that's taken root in her heart says, Yes, yes, that's the case. He's her brother, her brother, and she saved him, he owes her, they're even for real now because they've both experienced a life with the Nagumo and with Yukimura Kodo.
They're even.
So why is this so messed up...? They're even, shouldn't this be easier? Why is she crying - why is he crying - why can't this just be right?]
You're my brother. [She practically snarls the words out, tugging so hard on her hair that a few strands actually come lose, and she winces.] You're my twin! I should have understood you! And I should have been there—
[But when he suffered, when he needed reassurance of his family's love, she wasn't there. He remembered that awful day, and she kept it bottled up, untouched, for so many years. He had no one, and she had Kodo and the Shinsengumi and Okita, her Okita...]
But— This... you didn't want it? You just... wanted me to be happy...? All along, you wanted to be my brother again...?
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But he's coming to the dawning realization that the him of the past had never managed, and the him of that world had only just started to figure out. He raises his free hand, the motion stilted, and it comes to rest against his chest.]
...There's nothing that would have made me happy at that point. [Too far gone - he was too far gone. Nothing in the world could have filled that hungry emptiness inside of himself.] Even if I said "seeing you suffer makes me so happy"... [It had been hollow. It hadn't been happiness - it had just been a brief alleviation of the otherwise constant inward pressure he felt, the endless absence of anything meaningful.
He bites his lip, reaching out again, trying to clasp the hand that's pulling at her hair so awfully, his brow furrowing downward. There's some measure of distance in his expression, but it's not directed at Chizuru herself. He just can't fully contain his own awareness and it drifts away from him without his intention behind it.]
But— I did. I did, I did... I wanted to be your brother again. I just— I just wanted to be "equal". I wanted to stand by your side like I had done years and years ago. But since... I could never regain what I had lost—
[He wanted Chizuru to lose what she had, too. It fills him with a sick sense of dread and self-directed disgust, though there's a part of him that understands without him needing to put more thought into it, like it's the most natural thing in the world. He wonders if he'll be at odds with himself for the rest of his life, if he can't reconcile fully or even partially.]
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There was nothing I could have done..? Nothing...
[No matter how hard she tried, no matter what she might have given up to the him of that time - if she had lost Okita, if she had descended into madness with him... it wouldn't have been enough? It's a chilling, lonely thought, and it all but paralyzes her with fear because now the him of that time is slowly seeping back into the him of this time.
She wants to plead with him again not to hate her, because if he'd resented her that much then - so much that his resentment had overshadowed his desire to be together with her as siblings...
Chizuru's voice is panicked and desperate, and one hand comes up to grip his arm tightly.]
We're equal now, right? We have to be— We're the same—
[Her eyes are wild and full of tears.]
Is it enough...?
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He doesn't like seeing her panic, even though the bitter core of his existence is hungry for it. He doesn't want to see her cry, even though that distanced part of his mind watches eagerly. He reaches up, heedless of her grip on his arm, and tries to wipe some of her tears away.
This is not what he had wanted at all.]
Please, don't— Don't ask me something like that... [Is a lifetime of torment enough? How had he allowed himself to become such a disturbing person that Chizuru would even think to ask a question like that? He wants to grind the heel of his palms into his eyes, filled with frustration at himself and at this far-off, detached notion of "producers", but he's too afraid to let her go.]
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! You deserved so much—! [A brother who could actually protect her, a life free of his haunting shadow, free of the grasp of people who would convince her that murder was her only option.] I couldn't give you anything. I couldn't even protect you!
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[It's not what she was expecting to hear at all. Not what she was expecting - and so she isn't sure how to handle it. Her stomach churns and she shakes her head; her grip on his arm tightens in the same way that her grip on her hair does, and Kaoru will certainly have his work cut out for him in trying to loosen either of them.
Unexpected... So it's not the answer she was hoping for.]
It's not, is it..? It isn't, it isn't, it isn't... What do I have to do? What did I do wrong...?
[Because she has to be the one at fault here. If she can't get a "Yes, we're equal" out of him, she must not have suffered enough. Did she have it too easy with the Nagumo clan? The fact that she was able to slip away from them to make this request - did he take it as her not having suffered, of them being too unequal for him to just say yes the way she was hoping for so that he would accept her? His apology and his lament over not being able to protect her falls on deaf ears; it's not what she expected to hear, either, and so it can only be something negative.
She yanks on her hair, once and then twice, and rips out a few more strands before he's finally able to coax her hand free of it. She makes an unpleasant, strangled sound in the back of her throat and shakes her head.]
I couldn't protect you after all. I failed you... I failed you—
[Always, always failing in some way—]
I wanted to be worthless to them, [Because to the Nagumo her worth comes from bearing them a child, and so she wears "worthless" as a badge of pride, because it means she hasn't given them what they want,] But I wanted to be worth something to you! Why... why can't I do this right...?!
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She can grip his arm as tightly as she wants and he won't be pulling away, but he will work diligently and gently on prying her fingers from her hair. Once he manages that successfully, he's quick to hold it in his own. She's free to grasp that as tightly as she wants, too; he couldn't care less about his own physical state. How could he when Chizuru is hurting so badly?]
No! No, no, no, that isn't it! You didn't fail me, I failed you! [And he needs her to see that, even though she's suffering so badly right now. He has to make her understand that she isn't at fault here. The desperation reflects in his tone and face; even though he had been calming down, this riles him right back up.]
You're worth so much to me... Chizuru, you're worth everything! I would give up anything to make you happy—! Anything! [And without the taint of those heavy emotions he had carried in his first life - his true life? - he can say those words and mean them wholeheartedly, without any sort of dark sentiment seeping in through the cracks.
...At least not the same darkness, because this is going downhill too rapidly for him to salvage and his feelings of love have interleaved with despair.]
But I didn't— I didn't want this, I didn't... I didn't really want you to be like me! I never wanted you to hurt like this—! I never wanted you to suffer like I had, but I— [His voice seizes in his throat briefly, a fresh wave of unpleasant memories and long-buried emotions resurfacing.] I couldn't stop myself... Back then, I would have burnt the world down to drag you to my side. [And there's a small part of him even now that still clings to that bitter, twisted notion of "love" and "equality". He can detect its presence now, small and tempered but festering.]
...This existence has only brought you harm when it should have been keeping you safe.
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Maybe Yukimura Chizuru would have been able to understand it, that he did love her and it had just ended up twisted and broken by all the resentment, but Nagumo Chizuru, who had lived through years of the Nagumo clan's mistreatment and become convinced that she was worthless (a good thing, a good thing, because she doesn't want to live up to their expectations, but it means she can't live up to anyone else's expectations either), simply cannot believe that she's worth everything or that Kaoru would give up anything.
If that was possible, this wouldn't have been necessary. She wouldn't have had to have gone to such lengths to save him, because they could have met in the middle if he really loved her, if she was really worth anything at all—
She clutches his hand tightly instead of his hair and sobs.]
All those things... that I wanted to hear...
[Is it too late? She's not sure. She wants to be convinced, she deeply wants to be convinced, but she can't wrap her mind around it -
And she's utterly distracted from trying when he speaks of his own existence.]
No! [It comes out in a snarl.] Don't say that— Don't talk about yourself that way, don't do it—
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There's a dim feeling growing within him, though; the self-worth that he's built up over these years that should have never belonged to him feels a little less sturdy now, though it doesn't dissipate entirely. But to know that he is the root cause of all of this - that Chizuru had given up her entire life for his sake, and he can't even appreciate it well because he sees how clearly he's ruined her... How can he possibly think a person like that holds anything good? Just by living, just by virtue of being such a selfish person, he had destroyed someone else's life with his own two hands.
So he leans forward, shaking his head, because it's true. What he's said is true. Maybe Kaoru Yukimura has clean hands, but that person grew from the existence "Kaoru Nagumo", whose hands are bloodier than anyone else he knows.]
I should have said something— I should have been able to see... [But he couldn't at that point. It had taken - a lot, hadn't it? He had died. He had been chosen to be saved. It had taken a lot to get through to him, and those sort of circumstances simply weren't present in his life. His memories seem to extend far beyond the time they should now, bleeding in from a future he's yet to experience, but something that he knows must be true.
He leans forward further, squeezing her hand gently and resting his cheek against the side of her head.]
You were the only bright thing in my life. Please believe me... I still love you so, so much.
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[She repeats the words and is quiet for a few moments, leaning into his cheek and squeezing his hand and loosening her hold on his arm so that she can wrap her arm around him to hold him close, instead. She listens to the sound of his heartbeat and hers, and does her best to let the two sounds calm her; her tears, at least, start to come less frequently, and her trembling, while it doesn't stop entirely, does start to slow.
When Chizuru speaks again, her voice isn't really devoid of emotion so much as it's light and airy and detached, definitely at odds with the still-present look of devastation on her face.]
That's sad... that's too sad, isn't it? To only have one single bright spot in your life...
[Her voice trails off and then it's full of intensity all over again, and it cracks midway through but she keeps going anyway -]
You were supposed to have lots and lots of them..!
[She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, willing herself to stop shaking so that she can comfort him; he has a lot to take in and a lot that he's feeling now. Slowly, she loosens her hold on his hand and if he'll let go of it, she'll bring it up to run through his hair in gentle, soothing strokes.]
Was I able to do that much for you, at least..? Are there more bright spots in your life now..?
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Being able to see a little more clearly now, he also realizes where he went wrong there. He had taken that one spot of brightness in his life and had become envious over it, guarding it jealously but hating it at the same time. How dare it be bright when the rest of his life had passed by in darkness? How dare Chizuru find it in herself to keep shining?
...It had been a mistake. So much of what he had done had been a mistake, and he doesn't even know where to begin if he wants to fix it all.
He'll let her pull her hand away, but he doesn't let her go. Instead, he folds her up in both of his arms, trying to calm his breathing and listen to what she says. It stings - he doesn't think he deserves this new brightness. Not him, a person who had taken some of Chizuru's brightness away.]
...There are— [But hadn't there been before? Back in that place, he was slowly learning how to see the good in other things, too. His head tilts forward and he makes a soft, upset-sounding noise when he feels the hand in his hair.]
...But I never meant to take yours away. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry. I just want to share a life full of good things with you. [This is the sort of equality he had been looking for back then, but he doesn't want it anymore.] I— How... How did this even happen?
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Because what sort of "life full of good things" and she possibly share with him, at this point? The Nagumo clan still lingers on the horizon. She is painfully, horribly aware of the fact that she will have to return to them, if she doesn't want to lead them straight to her brother. Or if not that - she'll still have to leave Kaoru, because she doesn't want any of those demons anywhere near him. Not after what they did to him the first time around, not after what they've done to her in the years that she has lived with them.
So sharing a life with him... she's said that she doesn't want to leave him and that she doesn't want him to leave her, but she's going to have to go. Staying together isn't just difficult - it's outright impossible, and that is why her shoulders sag as he folds her into his arms. She rests herself against him, suddenly exhausted, keeping one hand in his hair and one hand tightly around him.]
I want that too. [Her voice breaks, because she knows she won't ever have it.] I do— I do, I do... [He still has a chance. She's ruined part of his life by allowing him to remember, but he isn't so far gone now that he's irredeemable. He can meet people to fill the void in his heart where she would be - he can find his Shinsengumi, or the equivalent thereof. He can find someone as important to him as Okita was to her and be happy, and Chizuru will try so, so hard not to be jealous, or at least not to lash out at him in her jealousy.
She wants him to have the sort of life she might have lived at Okita's side, if not for Kaoru and the ochimizu and the producers. She wants him to grow old beside her— No, with someone else, someone who will raise him up and make him smile and laugh (he's her brother how dare he laugh for anyone else).
He needs to be happy. He can't be happy like this, but she doesn't want to let him go. As for how it got this broken, this twisted - ]
...it's... my fault. They made me remember— [Not a sister after all, but a brother, right there alongside her in the castle. Her brother.] They... showed me. In the fireplace, I saw— I saw what your life had been like— I wanted to change it. I didn't care what happened to me, I still don't care, I wanted to change it... And without even consulting you, I—
[Fell straight into the producers' trap.]
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But his posture goes completely rigid at the mention of the fireplace. In the fireplace... had he seen something similar? Was it in the fireplace? No, no... He can recall a man - a nation? Someone looming over them all... himself and three - no, four others. These are... the designated killers of his own season. Three, it seemed, because Touko is slower to come to mind.]
The chance to change... [A mistake in the past, to fix a possible poor outcome in the future. Regaining memories, attaining immortality, gaining the ability to resurrect the dead - these are the prizes they had played for. His grip tightens just a little.] We were... part of - a game? A gameshow? The fiftieth anniversary.
[Which is something Chizuru may or may not know, depending on how far the game progressed before she ended up killing someone - killing more than one? It makes dread sink to the pit of his stomach like a rock and at first he thinks it's solely because of the thought of Chizuru killing for him. That is horrific; it chills him to the bone. But there's more than that... There's something else forming a gnawing unease that's becoming hungrier by the second.]
No, no, no...! You "won". You "won" the "prize", you played the game—
[Why, why, why is that such a terrible thing? Why does that cause the anxiety festering in him to boil up again, stronger than before?]
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[No, she doesn't understand what he means by that. By her reckoning, Sebastian had just released his report recently, and Austria hadn't yet poisoned Spain; she didn't hesitate, she didn't drag it out and put it off until the last moment, and Austria hadn't had the chance to go through with her plot. The museum was never opened. Spain was never killed—
So how does Kaoru know about the anniversary...? It's a question that will weigh heavily on her until she has the answer, but for the moment there is a more pressing need. Kaoru's anxiety is infectious and she is seized by the insistent urge to explain, to make him understand - surely he won't panic if he just understands...]
They... they said that... I had to. Something went wrong— Something was... wrong. They said I could end it. [End the game.] Someone was— Interfering... And that was why my memories of you were so muddled, and if it went on any longer none of us would ever be able to... they said if I acted, everyone who was still alive would be saved but I—
I didn't care about them... I just wanted to save you.
[Her hold on him tightens.]
So I killed... Kuzuryuu-san and Feferi-san. And I framed Nanami-san— They said that if I retired after she was executed, they would send everyone home and let me save you right away... They promised...
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It's wrong— No, that was wrong. That was wrong... [Who was interfering? Who had it been?] Your memories were muddled because they made it like that. They do it to everyone - everyone who's entered into the game as a player. They can change anything at all about that person's mind, if they're the ones who brought them in. The only way to avoid it is— ...No, there is no way to avoid it if you become a contestant through them. But if it's not by their decision... [If a person is snuck in from the outside...
His first life had been slow to collect in his mind; he still can't piece together all of it, though he recalls the gist by now. But this slams into him all at once, so strong and recent that he actually looks around for a second, clearly dazed and disoriented.]
—Recaptured. We've been recaptured. We've been recaptured?
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[But that was a lie? It sounds like it might be a lie, from the way Kaoru is talking, and that thought chills her to the bone. If not for that, she might have clutched at him more tightly as he tried to pull away; as it is, she stays still, her expression becoming more and more horrified and panicked.
Recaptured—
What does that mean... what does that mean?]
We can't have been. We're— in Edo. This isn't... that place, it isn't that castle, those people aren't here! The producers— They're not here—
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God, what happened to Stiles?! And Gundam— [Everyone else should be fine, at least - the others who had been waiting in safety at the base should be fine. But what about the two of them? They didn't have the same protection Kaoru did just by virtue of being a player in the game. The Producers didn't have to go by the rulebook with either of them; it would be a simple matter to execute them off-screen, away from the eyes of anyone.
The thought sends him reeling into an even worse panic and he can't seem to catch his breath, gaze snapping back to Chizuru. Her statement seems to register a little belatedly, but he reacts to it fiercely all the same, shaking his head so hard that it hurts.]
That's impossible. That's impossible, they never send anyone back. [So they can't be in Edo, can they? This second life he's lived... That can't be real either, can it?]
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[She doesn't know who Stiles is, she doesn't know who Gundam is, all she knows is that everything she is saying is only making Kaoru panic even more.
Kaoru was the saboteur? If that's really true - then by trying to save him, she... She brings both hands up to her mouth and presses them against it, shaking her head in a gesture of disbelief. No, no, no. If Kaoru was the one meaning to sabotage the game, then she ruined everything. She didn't just wreck a part of his new (false?) life by triggering the regaining of his memories - she ruined everything. Because if Kaoru was the saboteur all along, that means the producers manipulated her.
They returned her memories of him and manipulated her into dismantling all his carefully laid out plans.
A keening, mournful noise claws its way out of the back of her throat and is only muffled by the way she hasn't pulled her hands away from her mouth; she doubles over and shakes her head again, trembling.]
No, no, no...
[All of it was for - nothing? Nothing. If they've been "recaptured," if his plans were ruined, if his friends are dead -
He had friends.
The thought strikes her and she shakes her head again. He had friends all along, he didn't need me to save him.]
No, no, no— No, no...!
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The self that had continued to exist year after year thereafter, learning about that strange world and the stranger people in it, learning about the Producers and their company, learning about past contestants and current contestants, watching two seasons unfold as they were happening.
The self that had entered that game with a plan, a dangerous plan, but a plan that he had hoped would work nonetheless. Things had started to go bad, though; his sister was in the game. His sister was a Designated Killer. They had worked so well as a unit that Kaoru and Stiles ended up risking more than initially planned trying to combat them, because Kaoru had to stay safe, he knew he had to stay safe, even if it was at the cost of all those lives...
And now this - this, and he had failed. He hadn't been able to stop his sister from bloodying her hands for him. He hadn't been able to anticipate this outcome and work to counteract it. He hadn't been able to do anything, and here he is, still unable to do anything. He watches helplessly as Chizuru panics along with him over entirely different things with the same root cause, trying to think of what he needs to do. What can he do?
Eventually, hands shaking, he reaches for her again. His hands gently touch the top of her head before one searches her hand out.]
Chizuru... Chizuru? Can you look at me? I need you to look at me.
[He needs something to ground himself with, and he knows she could use it, too.]
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She shakes her head when he says her name.]
No—
[And again when he asks her to look.]
No..!
[But the protests are whimpers, perhaps so quiet he can't hear, and when he speaks again, I need you to look at me, how can she refuse? He needs it, after all, and she owes him, because she ruined him, ruined everything, doomed his friends, all in the guise of bringing him a salvation he didn't actually need—
She looks up, but she is only able to hold his gaze for a moment or two before she casts her eyes to the side, trembling and terrified. But at the very least, she doesn't turn her head back down.]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm— I'm so sorry...
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Don't apologize... Please don't apologize when you only thought that you were doing what was best. [It's his own fault for being such a godawful hopeless mess, pushing her into throwing away so much just for the chance to make him less of one. He couldn't ever blame her for something like that, even if there's a part of him that reels horribly about the overarching notion of everything crumbling. Everything they had worked for for three years, gone in a blink, and they would never have the chance to try again. This had been their chance - this had been it. The survivors back at the base will be able to manage, he's sure, but will they ever be able to take down the Producers now?
—No, he can't let his thoughts be consumed by that yet. He forces himself to focus on Chizuru, running his thumbs over the arch of her cheekbones.]
I should have seen it. I should have been able to do something, I should have been able to stop it— Three years of planning and I can't even take the necessary precautions to keep my little sister safe?
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[She starts to speak up, even though she's still shaking, even though there is a very large part of her that wants to break away from him and back off before he gets angry or decides to hurt her - this sort of gentleness from a Nagumo can't last long. (But he's her brother, but he's a Nagumo, but he's her brother—)
Chizuru doesn't look very comforted by the way he thumbs over her cheekbones, though she has longed to be by her brother's side for so many years. It's the same sort of thing Kaoru might recognize - wanting something so much and being repulsed by it at the same time. Love, hate, comfort, fear - they're all sides of the same coin.]
It isn't your fault... I hid it from you. I hid it from everyone. I did my best so that you wouldn't know... You can't blame yourself for that. If you say I'm not allowed to apologize for what I did, then you can't blame yourself for it happening.
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So even though he wants to be close to Chizuru now, as close as possible, he ends up leaning away, pulling his hands from her face. He folds them in his lap instead, staring down at the creases near his knuckles.]
... [What can he say? That he, so practiced in the art of deception, should have been able to see through Chizuru's plan? It's true, he thinks, but he doesn't want to admit to that either. He still doesn't want to acknowledge that person, that well-versed deceiver, back-stabber, liar, murderer.]
It was my job. It was my job to anticipate things that might go wrong in the game. [Everyone was depending on him - the people in season 50, the people back at the base, everyone who survived long enough to be tucked away for "reuse" later, if they were ever needed...] ...I couldn't do it. I couldn't— protect... the things - the people that I wanted to protect, I couldn't do it.
[Has anything changed at all?]
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[He needs to stop blaming himself. He really, really needs to stop blaming himself, Chizuru thinks - it's them, all them, it's not him at all. To anticipate things that might go wrong is an impossible job. With thirty people in the game, and the producers keeping such a close watch on things, how could anyone ever perfectly predict what might happen? It's not like Kaoru is or ever has been a mind reader, and the Kaoru of the past had been apart from her for so wrong that it's no small wonder they had drifted apart so much that even with their newfound friendship in the castle he hadn't been able to tell what she was going to do.]
That's probably exactly why they did it... to distract you. Don't you think? [She should be trying to comfort him. This is her way of trying to comfort him - "It's something that couldn't be prevented, so it's inevitable that it worked." The part of her that used to be Yukimura Chizuru knows that's all wrong, but the part of her that still is Nagumo Chizuru is overpowering, and a careful acceptance of inevitabilities is how she's survived for so long.] They knew that I was important to you and that you would become important to me if given the chance to. They knew... They may not have known what you were going to do, but they knew enough of you to know that you would be a threat.
...and they knew enough of me to know that I would be easily molded into their tool.
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But what good has it done this time? Where has it gotten him? The fact that he had been singled out as a threat before their plan could come to fruition has put two of his closest allies into great - lethal danger. It's driven his sister, the one person that he wanted to protect most of all, into this horrible corner that he's not certain he can help her back out of. It's upturned three years of collective hard work, and what do they have to show for it?
His hands ball into fists, shift to rest against his knees. His expression shifts, too. He may blame himself - he may never be able to stop blaming himself - but that doesn't mean he has no blame to spare for the root of it all.]
They know enough of everyone to be a problem - more than enough. Don't hold that against yourself, either; they can read anyone they put their finger on like an open book. [It's one of the many, many reasons that he hates them all so intensely. A private person never enjoys seeing the contents of their past and mind gutted and laid out for observation.]
That's why... [That's why his job had been so important.] ...They do the things they do because they know chances of success will be high. They have psychology mapped out. They could draw any desired reaction from any person if they had the tools for it, and they always have the tools.
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