recountal | reunion;;

reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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[She'll keep at it, then - even as the tears continue to come, she'll continue to wipe them away, as gently as is possible for anyone who was raised among the Nagumo. There is a certain amount of tenderness that she's never shown to anyone else in this lifetime - never had the reason to, because that clan doesn't deserve it and this is the first she's seen her brother since she made sure their fates were altered. If she considers his breakdown a burden she doesn't say so.

...it isn't a burden at all, though. Not to her. If it's burdening anyone, it's burdening him - this sudden rush of feeling that the world is coming apart, that nothing is fitting together the way it should, is something that he shouldn't have had to deal with up until now and the only reason he's experiencing it now is probably because of her. She needs to apologize to him -

She can't even protect the one person she wants to protect most -

He chokes out those three words, and Chizuru is left stunned.]

...neither... are you.

[He's not wrong, to assume they've found a way to ingrain that into her. On some level she thinks that they're right (she would believe it fully if this was the only life she ever knew, if she hadn't gone back and chosen this to spare him from it), but it's buried deep down - insidious, waiting for the moment where her guard is down so it can sweep over her. Most of the time she can hold it at bay.

She's not doing so good at that now, though.]

[He has two lives now, too, even though his memories are sorting themselves agonizingly slow and in the wrong order. He knows what it's like to grow up with a measure of worth - with a loving parent, good neighbors, a mundane but reachable goal. Though he's been involved in the ochimizu even in this life, it hadn't been anywhere near enough to make a dent in the placid, peaceful bend of time that seemed to stretch endlessly before him.

But that's wrong. This is not the life that he was meant to live. The tranquility of it isn't suited for him, like he's living on time borrowed from a stranger. Except it hasn't been borrowed from a stranger at all, has it?

His eyes raise to Chizuru's face, searching it. There is something direly important about this person. It's difficult for him to grasp at the train of thought when so many are at odds in his mind; his fingers press against her hand a little more.]

Kindness— That kindness... ["Neither are you", even though he's dimly aware of the fact that Chizuru is suffering alongside him. More, likely - what kind of bitterness has she experienced in this lifetime? How much strength does it take for her to be able to wipe his tears away like this? To sit with him in this awful situation?] You... were always a gentle person.

[A statement, not a question.]

[She brings her other hand up to the back of his as he searches her face. What he's looking for, she doesn't know; if he's seeking out traces of the sister he grew up alongside in their ancestral lands, he likely won't find them - Yukimura Chizuru is all but dead and buried, or at least buried deep within her.

What he'll find is almost a mirror of his own face as it was in the past. That, more than anything else, is what's prevalent here - years and years living with the Nagumo, and before that, the months in that terrible castle, the subtle altering of her mind to the point that she was willing to trade a total of three lives (her victims and the person she'd scapegoated) so that he would have a chance to live out his life in peace.

But that's not what happened here after all, and it's not a kindness, and she can't help but shake her head when he makes his observation.]

No.

[That's all she can say. No. A kind person would have found a way to save him without sacrificing others; a gentle person wouldn't have done the things that she has.

And if she really wanted him to live in peace, she would have stayed far, far away from him.

She really isn't a good sister to Kaoru at all.]

[He shakes his head almost immediately at that, because it's so at odds with the sister that he remembers - or is remembering, rather. The memories return stilted, unfocused, and he can't harness enough concentration or energy to actually try discerning what's inside of them just yet. He just knows that this woman with a face so like his own (in more ways than one, he's starting to see, and that scares him) is someone that he was supposed to... protect?

...That isn't quite right. It isn't wrong, either - there's a fierce underlying sense of devotion and dedication when he thinks of Chizuru as his little sister. But the sentiment is not so pure, and his subconscious mind makes that known quickly. There is something wrong with his intentions, and his face screws up in an expression that mimics someone in pain. It's not physical pain he's in, though - not really. It's still hard for him to breathe, but even that's secondary in comparison to this unpleasant sweep of long-buried thoughts and sentiments.

Again, he shakes his head. He reaches up with his other hand, grasping desperately, latching on to her sleeve like he's afraid she'll pull away and leave him if he doesn't keep her anchored.]

You are, you are, you are, you are—! Why...? No— You did so much— [She has always been kind to him, hasn't she? Even when... For some reason - why, why hadn't he ever reciprocated? What had stopped him?] Because— you're my cute little sister...

[The words sit like lead on his tongue. It's meant as an endearment, but he knows at the same time that it's far, far from that.]

That's...

[It's true, it's true, she's his sister - and she wants him to know it as much as she doesn't. He's safer if he doesn't, would probably be happier if she just stayed away, but she's felt so wretched and been so lonely for so long that she wants him to understand. And the twisted, bitter part of her knows that he will because he's lived the life she has already.

But no, that's wrong, she's supposed to protect him. Can she stop the rest of his memories from coming if she denies it? But she doesn't want to deny it—

He's her brother, he's her brother, they should have just stayed together all along...]

I love you... [It comes out small and broken-sounding.] I wanted— To protect you. I want to protect you.

[Hearing that - "I love you" - he needs to hear it, but it also wrenches a low, horrible, pained noise from him; something that teeters on the edge inhuman because god, remembering hurts.

He... has never been a good brother to her, has he? Not in this life, not in that distant-but-coming-closer life that he had been forced to leave behind. In that one... why had he hated her so much? He can't remember the reason yet, but he can recall the sentiment, bitter and heavy and sharp. It fills him like a heavy sludge, though his mind is at least able to discern that these aren't his emotions. Or... they are - they are, but not. They're the ones that he left behind with that terrible life.]

I love you... I missed you...! [And now that he's said it, the loneliness seems to sweep over him like such a strong tidal wave that he really can't breathe for a second. He's drowning in just how alone he's been. Years and years and years.

Ah... That's why he had been angry, isn't it? Because Chizuru had forgotten him in the same way that he had forgotten Chizuru in this life. His grip becomes more desperate, knuckles white, eyes wide and panicked.]

I'm— I'm sorry- I never meant— [It's still impossible for him to thread together a proper sentence though, and he breaks off with an unpleasant cough.]

[His grip tightening on her hand is what spurs her into action; she loosens her other hand from his and leans forward to bridge the gap between them, to wrap her arm around him and hold tight to him. She can't tell if she's shaking, or if he's shaking, or if they both are.

She knows she feels like she's about to cry.]

Shh. Shhh.

[She doesn't want or need his apologies. She chose this - she chose it, and that's the only thing that's kept her from becoming so twisted over the years that she might lash out at him now. She's much more like the way he was in their first life than the way she was, but she isn't so far gone that she can derive happiness from his pain.

...but she can't foster her own happiness without him being there, either.]

You don't need to apologize to me... I don't want to hear that...!

[She may be shaking, too, but Kaoru certainly is. When she holds him, the tremors only seem to increase, but he'll refuse to allow her the room necessary to pull away. He needs her to be close - he desperately needs to know that she'll forgive him for forgetting, that she won't abandon him now that something - something has gone wrong. This isn't the way it's supposed to be at all, on so many levels. He can only think to himself over and over please please please don't go.]

I— I hadn't even realized... I couldn't remember... I still— I can't remember...

[There are a lot of things that he can't remember - gaps in his memories that stand out hauntingly. ...But they're filling in. He hopes that they'll fill in the rest of the way, because he really doesn't think he can continue living if he's left like this, caught halfway between the person that he was meant to be and this new and suddenly foreign self that he still can't pinpoint coming into existence.]

I only wanted... No— I wanted... What had I wanted—?

[She can't tell him what he wanted. Maybe it's because she never understood, or maybe it's because she doesn't want to be the one to tell him just how warped and twisted his goals were.

He's going to remember at some point - Chizuru can see now that it's inevitable. And she's terrified, of what he'll say and do and feel once he remembers. She has to stay close. It's the only thing she can do - she has to stay close. Her hold on him tightens even though he isn't giving her any room to back off, because as desperately as he's thinking Please don't go, she's thinking Please don't push me away.]

It's— [It's not okay. It's not going to be fine.] You aren't alone... I'm here, okay? Whatever you remember... whatever it is you wanted...

[She buries her face in his shoulder.]

I'm here. We're together...

[Rather than abating, the heaviness within him only seems to grow. It's a sick sort of feeling, but he's also rapidly running out of energy. Remembering an entire lifetime is hard, especially when that lifetime had been less than pleasant. He's already so exhausted, but he finds the strength in him to continue clinging like Chizuru is the life raft keeping his head above water.

His voice, when he speaks again, is terribly small.]

I don't want to remember that.

[It's terrible, it's a terrible thing and he doesn't want to face what that means for him. If all of these rotten things are within him, doesn't that make him a rotten person? Sick to the core - someone that Chizuru would be better off without, but he can't let her go now. He can't. It's selfish, but he's a selfish person, isn't he?

...Maybe it would be better if he cut her loose while there's still time.]

[She brings one hand up to his head and runs her fingers through his hair, as soothingly as she possibly can - she wants to smooth this transition for him, wants to make his memories settling into place as easy as possible, if she can prevent it. And oh, how she wishes she could prevent it, particularly when he speaks.]

If I could stop you from remembering it, I would.

[Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence because she knows she can't. Being by his side means that he's going to remember - and it would be even worse now, to start this process and vanish because she can't face what she's done by coming here. She can't abandon him now.

(She doesn't want to be abandoned.)

She needs to be here for him.

(She wishes he'd been there for her.)

Maybe it's okay to be selfish this time, now that everything is crashing down around them...]

Don't go anywhere. I'm begging you— Don't go...

[The fingers running through his hair both soothe and agitate him, but nothing doesn't agitate him in his current state. He feels too delicate, too sensitive - everything seems to be poised to hurt him, to make him feel small and awful.

But he can't hold it against Chizuru. Not Chizuru - not his precious sister. The most important person in the world to him, who he had forgotten for so long... He doesn't think he'll be able to forgive himself for that, even though a small, vindictive corner of his dormant mind whispers to him that this is being even. He violently pushes that thought away, shaking his head against her as he pulls himself closer still. Maybe this closeness will be able to relieve some of the toxic feelings that are bubbling to the surface. He wants nothing to do with those heavy weights.]

I won't— I'll never go anywhere! I don't want to leave! Please, please, please—

[He doesn't want her to leave either, but he's so afraid. She knows - she knows, doesn't she? About this rottenness inside of him... He suddenly feels hideously ashamed.]

[Each one of them trying and failing to get closer and closer - because there's only so much they can do, when they're both so broken up and twisted inside and he's still in the throes of regaining his memories and she's panicked about the fact that he's going to remember.]

You don't have to leave. Don't leave... please...

[She murmurs the words and tries (but fails) to still her trembling. She knows about the rottenness inside of him, but now that he's remembering his own life with the Nagumo, she also knows that he'll be able to figure out what's inside of her - that one thought, I want to protect him, that has been hammered down and refined into He's my brother, a possessiveness that manifests itself in the way she clutches onto him so tightly that it's completely obvious she's terrified he's going to disappear.

—And what if he remembers his hatred for her, too? His resentment? She would be lying if she said she didn't resent the life he lived here, even though she was the one to give it to him. If he starts to resent her all over again, if he hates her, she'll have nothing left. The thought makes her ill and her breath hitches.]

Don't hate me— Please forgive me—

[For forgetting him in their first life, for plunging them into this second life without consulting him, for lying to him when she appeared here - for not coming clean about who she was right away...]

I love you, I really love you, please believe me...! Please...

[His breath comes to him in great big terrified heaves, and he really is trying to get closer because he's suddenly struck by the paralyzing fear that he will disappear. This body may still be left behind, and there may still be a consciousness within it, but will it be his? Even with the memories of this new life he's lead, can he call that person "himself"? He isn't entirely sure, and that's what leaves him breathless. He's only just got his sister back; he can't possibly be taken away so soon.

His grip tightens further still, possessing more strength than his shaking hands would suggest.]

I do— I believe you! I couldn't— I could never hate you... I love you, I love you, I love you so much! [But that love feels wrong to him. It's heavier than it should be, more like a shackle than a warm hand to hold. He presses his face into the crook of her neck, face still wet with tears, trying and failing to calm himself.]

There's nothing to forgive you for. I love you so much... I love you, I'm sorry— I'm so sorry! [He's starting to feel a little lightheaded, his gaze drifting even further out of focus.]

Don't— Don't apologize..!

[There's a shrill note of panic and she would shake her head, if she weren't already clinging to him with her face buried in his shoulder; her grip on him shifts a little and she readjusts it so that she can hold him even more tightly.]

Don't say "I'm sorry"... it, it sounds like what you really mean is "Goodbye."

[Because why else would he apologize to her if she's not going to lose him? He doesn't have to apologize if they stay together because if he really feels the need to, he'll be able to make it up to her day by day, just like she'll be able to make it up to him for the way she failed him in their first life and the way she's completely wrecked their second.]

I just— I want you. I want my brother again, I don't want to lose you, not ever... [His shoulder is damp with tears; she sounds almost delirious, and well, she is. Her breathing is panicked and uneven, and while she's not losing focus the same way he is, she's definitely not clearminded at all.]

[For several long moments, he keeps his face buried and obscured from the morning air, trying and failing to collect himself. It's too hard - his thoughts are too scattered, and Chizuru's panic only ends up feeding his own.]

I don't want to lose you, either!

[But he's desperately scared. The person that he was wasn't worth knowing. The person that he is now had forgotten all about her, living a charmed life in the same way that she had once before and he hates himself for it on a level that truly frightens him. Why is it so upsetting? Why had he been so angry with Chizuru for - for things entirely out of her hands? His breath catches in his throat and he makes a pitiful noise, but the power behind his voice is leaving.

More memories are surfacing. A house - a manor? More confusion, strange faces, the term designated killer. His face is almost completely without color now, with how much blood has drained from it.]

Please don't let me go...

Edited 2014-10-23 06:52 (UTC)

I won't let you go! I absolutely - I absolutely won't let you go...

[To let go of him now would be to go against everything she had stood for when she'd looked at the potential of a safe, happy life for Kaoru and weighed it as more important than her own qualms about killing. It would be to say "this didn't turn out the way I wanted, so it's worthless" - and that's not true at all. She will never, ever let Kaoru feel like he's alone, not after all she did to make sure he would grow up in a more nurturing environment, and certainly not after she's shattered all of that by coming here.

Waltzing into his life, breaking him to pieces, and then sweeping back out again... it would be completely unacceptable.

But her breathing is uneven, and if she doesn't calm herself she might just hyperventilate herself into unconsciousness. Still, her grip on Kaoru doesn't loosen.]

Do don't let me go either... stay with me. Stay with me...! Let me stay with you!

[There's a small voice in the back of her mind that says That's impossible. The Nagumo are still alive; she only has a week at most before they'll track her down. And if they track her here and find Kaoru...

No, no, no. She can't leave him. She was prepared to do it before, but she can't, she can't.]

I'll kill them... anyone who would take you away from me or me away from you, I'll kill them. I will! I've - I can do it, I've killed before, I'm not so weak that I can't kill to protect you...!

[Luckily, or maybe unluckily, Kaoru seems to be coming back to himself little by little. His breathing is also uneven and shallow and far too fast, but he remains silent, focusing instead on the rapid heartbeat of his younger sister. The way that she talks makes his chest ache, bringing unpleasant flashes to his mind's eye that he can't fully grasp.]

I... have also done my share of killing. A lot, a lot... I've killed a lot of people, haven't I? [He struggles briefly to reconcile with the automatic feeling of hollowed satisfaction that accompanies that, because this Kaoru is still much softer than the him of the past had been. Years of being on the run with humans that he had come to call important friends has worn the sharpness away from the edges of his heart, though it's hard for him to grasp that just yet, too. There are too many facets of himself that need to be unburied before it can all come together in the order it's meant to be in.

He doesn't think it's a wholly awful thing, though - that he's killed. Some haven't been for a good reason, or any reason at all, and those he can recognize as wrong now. But outside of that; killing the Nagumo, killing the people who work with the Producers... Those things are actions that he can't regret, or he'll start to regret the foundation of himself and it's already at such crumbling odds.

His grip shifts on Chizuru, but he remains close. When he speaks again, his voice is weak and breathy.]

...Have I made you like this? This is— my fault...? [His breath hitches.] I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it— You're my precious little sister. You're the most important thing to me... I was so happy that you had been safe!

[So what now?]

That's a lie!

[It comes out shrill and frantic, because if what he says is true - if he'd wanted her to be safe all along - then she's really screwed up by doing this. It can't be true. He has to have hated her - he has to have harbored that resentment for her all along, has to have been in pain, because she had chosen to put her fate in the Producers' hands and chosen to steal those three lives and chosen to cast aside her father, the man she loved, and her precious friends for the sake of unburdening him.

If he hadn't needed her to do any of that— If he hadn't wanted her to do any of that—

Her hold on him loosens entirely and she brings both hands up to her head, threading her fingers into her hair and tugging hard to try and help herself focus. The disorientation of his reactions is overwhelming; pain helps to ground her. It always has in this life.]

You can't— If you didn't need me to protect you after all, then what I do it for..?

[To ease her own conscience? To win back affections she'd had all along?]

I wanted to save you! I wanted to make you happy again!

[He's a little lost in himself now, more than he had been before. The disconnect that he's found within himself is something that he wants desperately to bridge, because his descent into madness in his first life had been so gradual that he hadn't really noticed it. Sure, he had some awareness. He knew he was a rotten person, he knew that the things he was doing weren't good things, but it had been difficult for him to pinpoint just when or why or how he had come to resent and hate his most precious person so much.

Looking back on it now, it's much easier to watch. With shaking fingers, he reaches up to touch the back of Chizuru's hands, trying to get her to ease up on the tugging. it's a familiar gesture, and he doesn't want to see it on her. Another sign that he had failed, he had irreparably failed her. Can he even call himself an older brother?]

The me of that time... [Was better off buried, honestly, but even his shaky mind realizes that saying so aloud would be cruel to Chizuru, further invalidating everything she's sacrificed to reach this point.]

...I— I never really resented you. It was hard for you... I understood that. I did... It wasn't your fault that you forgot. I knew that. When you were carried away from that building, I was happy... I just wanted you to be able to stop crying. You always cried so much, and I was— upset... I wanted to be there to wipe your tears away.

[But days had become weeks, then months, then years. Every little doubt he had held about himself and his life had been found and torn open by the people housing him until he was convinced that his own parents had never loved him, until just the thought of Chizuru living a happy life in blissful ignorance was enough to make him white-hot with rage.]

—I never told you, but I loved you, still. I just wanted to be together with you again. [And it manifested in the most gruesome way possible.]

Stop it..!

[She flinches away from his touch when he puts his hand to hers, and in doing so she nearly loses her balance and tumbles off the porch - but she just barely manages not to by pulling one hand from her hair in order to catch herself, so his attempt at getting her to ease up sort of works. But only sort of, because the hand that remains in her hair tugs even harder to make up for the one that's out.]

Stop, stop, stop..! That can't... If that's the truth, then I never understood— Any of it...?

[She never understood him. They're twins, but she never understood. She saw the good in a group of vicious killers like the Shinsengumi, but she'd thought the worst of her brother - of her twin... it had been so easy to doubt her own flesh and blood, to think him selfish and cruel. Maybe it's because, deep down, she was also selfish.

Had it really been about saving him? Or had it been about claiming her brother by any means necessary? Making him indebted to her for the peaceful life he could live—

As a Yukimura, it probably hadn't been, but she's a Nagumo now and the seed of bitterness that's taken root in her heart says, Yes, yes, that's the case. He's her brother, her brother, and she saved him, he owes her, they're even for real now because they've both experienced a life with the Nagumo and with Yukimura Kodo.

They're even.

So why is this so messed up...? They're even, shouldn't this be easier? Why is she crying - why is he crying - why can't this just be right?]

You're my brother. [She practically snarls the words out, tugging so hard on her hair that a few strands actually come lose, and she winces.] You're my twin! I should have understood you! And I should have been there—

[But when he suffered, when he needed reassurance of his family's love, she wasn't there. He remembered that awful day, and she kept it bottled up, untouched, for so many years. He had no one, and she had Kodo and the Shinsengumi and Okita, her Okita...]

But— This... you didn't want it? You just... wanted me to be happy...? All along, you wanted to be my brother again...?

[There still seems to be a disconnect between his mind and body, because even though he struggles to catch Chizuru, it takes him a few seconds longer before he's even stumbling close. He reaches out, fingers clumsy and grasping, trying to anchor her again. It helps to anchor him a little, having something else to focus on.

But he's coming to the dawning realization that the him of the past had never managed, and the him of that world had only just started to figure out. He raises his free hand, the motion stilted, and it comes to rest against his chest.]

...There's nothing that would have made me happy at that point. [Too far gone - he was too far gone. Nothing in the world could have filled that hungry emptiness inside of himself.] Even if I said "seeing you suffer makes me so happy"... [It had been hollow. It hadn't been happiness - it had just been a brief alleviation of the otherwise constant inward pressure he felt, the endless absence of anything meaningful.

He bites his lip, reaching out again, trying to clasp the hand that's pulling at her hair so awfully, his brow furrowing downward. There's some measure of distance in his expression, but it's not directed at Chizuru herself. He just can't fully contain his own awareness and it drifts away from him without his intention behind it.]

But— I did. I did, I did... I wanted to be your brother again. I just— I just wanted to be "equal". I wanted to stand by your side like I had done years and years ago. But since... I could never regain what I had lost—

[He wanted Chizuru to lose what she had, too. It fills him with a sick sense of dread and self-directed disgust, though there's a part of him that understands without him needing to put more thought into it, like it's the most natural thing in the world. He wonders if he'll be at odds with himself for the rest of his life, if he can't reconcile fully or even partially.]

[She shudders at his words and then again when he tries to clasp her hand. This time, she doesn't manage to pull it out of his reach, but she tightens her hold on her hair as if she's afraid that letting go will make her lose something. This life has been full of things she hasn't been able to keep a hold on - she's watched things slip away from her time and time again... and so letting go of anything at all, even if it's for her own good, is almost more than she can bear.]

There was nothing I could have done..? Nothing...

[No matter how hard she tried, no matter what she might have given up to the him of that time - if she had lost Okita, if she had descended into madness with him... it wouldn't have been enough? It's a chilling, lonely thought, and it all but paralyzes her with fear because now the him of that time is slowly seeping back into the him of this time.

She wants to plead with him again not to hate her, because if he'd resented her that much then - so much that his resentment had overshadowed his desire to be together with her as siblings...

Chizuru's voice is panicked and desperate, and one hand comes up to grip his arm tightly.]

We're equal now, right? We have to be— We're the same—

[Her eyes are wild and full of tears.]

Is it enough...?

[The grip on his arm serves to further ground him, but he'll work dutifully at trying to loosen Chizuru's fingers from her hair at the same time. He doesn't want to see her hurt herself - not now, not after he's caused her so much hurt just by existing. The worst part is, he's collected enough of himself to know that the him of the past would be positively delighted for this, in that twisted and distant way he can dredge up. Kaoru's feelings from that time seem muted with the exception of very few - jealously, anger, disgust. Only negativity manifested strongly in him, and that strength is starting to bleed over, even though he's desperately trying to maintain a grip on himself.

He doesn't like seeing her panic, even though the bitter core of his existence is hungry for it. He doesn't want to see her cry, even though that distanced part of his mind watches eagerly. He reaches up, heedless of her grip on his arm, and tries to wipe some of her tears away.

This is not what he had wanted at all.]

Please, don't— Don't ask me something like that... [Is a lifetime of torment enough? How had he allowed himself to become such a disturbing person that Chizuru would even think to ask a question like that? He wants to grind the heel of his palms into his eyes, filled with frustration at himself and at this far-off, detached notion of "producers", but he's too afraid to let her go.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! You deserved so much—! [A brother who could actually protect her, a life free of his haunting shadow, free of the grasp of people who would convince her that murder was her only option.] I couldn't give you anything. I couldn't even protect you!

Don't ask..?

[It's not what she was expecting to hear at all. Not what she was expecting - and so she isn't sure how to handle it. Her stomach churns and she shakes her head; her grip on his arm tightens in the same way that her grip on her hair does, and Kaoru will certainly have his work cut out for him in trying to loosen either of them.

Unexpected... So it's not the answer she was hoping for.]

It's not, is it..? It isn't, it isn't, it isn't... What do I have to do? What did I do wrong...?

[Because she has to be the one at fault here. If she can't get a "Yes, we're equal" out of him, she must not have suffered enough. Did she have it too easy with the Nagumo clan? The fact that she was able to slip away from them to make this request - did he take it as her not having suffered, of them being too unequal for him to just say yes the way she was hoping for so that he would accept her? His apology and his lament over not being able to protect her falls on deaf ears; it's not what she expected to hear, either, and so it can only be something negative.

She yanks on her hair, once and then twice, and rips out a few more strands before he's finally able to coax her hand free of it. She makes an unpleasant, strangled sound in the back of her throat and shakes her head.]

I couldn't protect you after all. I failed you... I failed you—

[Always, always failing in some way—]

I wanted to be worthless to them, [Because to the Nagumo her worth comes from bearing them a child, and so she wears "worthless" as a badge of pride, because it means she hasn't given them what they want,] But I wanted to be worth something to you! Why... why can't I do this right...?!

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