recountal | reunion;;

reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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[She can't tell him what he wanted. Maybe it's because she never understood, or maybe it's because she doesn't want to be the one to tell him just how warped and twisted his goals were.

He's going to remember at some point - Chizuru can see now that it's inevitable. And she's terrified, of what he'll say and do and feel once he remembers. She has to stay close. It's the only thing she can do - she has to stay close. Her hold on him tightens even though he isn't giving her any room to back off, because as desperately as he's thinking Please don't go, she's thinking Please don't push me away.]

It's— [It's not okay. It's not going to be fine.] You aren't alone... I'm here, okay? Whatever you remember... whatever it is you wanted...

[She buries her face in his shoulder.]

I'm here. We're together...

[Rather than abating, the heaviness within him only seems to grow. It's a sick sort of feeling, but he's also rapidly running out of energy. Remembering an entire lifetime is hard, especially when that lifetime had been less than pleasant. He's already so exhausted, but he finds the strength in him to continue clinging like Chizuru is the life raft keeping his head above water.

His voice, when he speaks again, is terribly small.]

I don't want to remember that.

[It's terrible, it's a terrible thing and he doesn't want to face what that means for him. If all of these rotten things are within him, doesn't that make him a rotten person? Sick to the core - someone that Chizuru would be better off without, but he can't let her go now. He can't. It's selfish, but he's a selfish person, isn't he?

...Maybe it would be better if he cut her loose while there's still time.]

[She brings one hand up to his head and runs her fingers through his hair, as soothingly as she possibly can - she wants to smooth this transition for him, wants to make his memories settling into place as easy as possible, if she can prevent it. And oh, how she wishes she could prevent it, particularly when he speaks.]

If I could stop you from remembering it, I would.

[Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence because she knows she can't. Being by his side means that he's going to remember - and it would be even worse now, to start this process and vanish because she can't face what she's done by coming here. She can't abandon him now.

(She doesn't want to be abandoned.)

She needs to be here for him.

(She wishes he'd been there for her.)

Maybe it's okay to be selfish this time, now that everything is crashing down around them...]

Don't go anywhere. I'm begging you— Don't go...

[The fingers running through his hair both soothe and agitate him, but nothing doesn't agitate him in his current state. He feels too delicate, too sensitive - everything seems to be poised to hurt him, to make him feel small and awful.

But he can't hold it against Chizuru. Not Chizuru - not his precious sister. The most important person in the world to him, who he had forgotten for so long... He doesn't think he'll be able to forgive himself for that, even though a small, vindictive corner of his dormant mind whispers to him that this is being even. He violently pushes that thought away, shaking his head against her as he pulls himself closer still. Maybe this closeness will be able to relieve some of the toxic feelings that are bubbling to the surface. He wants nothing to do with those heavy weights.]

I won't— I'll never go anywhere! I don't want to leave! Please, please, please—

[He doesn't want her to leave either, but he's so afraid. She knows - she knows, doesn't she? About this rottenness inside of him... He suddenly feels hideously ashamed.]

[Each one of them trying and failing to get closer and closer - because there's only so much they can do, when they're both so broken up and twisted inside and he's still in the throes of regaining his memories and she's panicked about the fact that he's going to remember.]

You don't have to leave. Don't leave... please...

[She murmurs the words and tries (but fails) to still her trembling. She knows about the rottenness inside of him, but now that he's remembering his own life with the Nagumo, she also knows that he'll be able to figure out what's inside of her - that one thought, I want to protect him, that has been hammered down and refined into He's my brother, a possessiveness that manifests itself in the way she clutches onto him so tightly that it's completely obvious she's terrified he's going to disappear.

—And what if he remembers his hatred for her, too? His resentment? She would be lying if she said she didn't resent the life he lived here, even though she was the one to give it to him. If he starts to resent her all over again, if he hates her, she'll have nothing left. The thought makes her ill and her breath hitches.]

Don't hate me— Please forgive me—

[For forgetting him in their first life, for plunging them into this second life without consulting him, for lying to him when she appeared here - for not coming clean about who she was right away...]

I love you, I really love you, please believe me...! Please...

[His breath comes to him in great big terrified heaves, and he really is trying to get closer because he's suddenly struck by the paralyzing fear that he will disappear. This body may still be left behind, and there may still be a consciousness within it, but will it be his? Even with the memories of this new life he's lead, can he call that person "himself"? He isn't entirely sure, and that's what leaves him breathless. He's only just got his sister back; he can't possibly be taken away so soon.

His grip tightens further still, possessing more strength than his shaking hands would suggest.]

I do— I believe you! I couldn't— I could never hate you... I love you, I love you, I love you so much! [But that love feels wrong to him. It's heavier than it should be, more like a shackle than a warm hand to hold. He presses his face into the crook of her neck, face still wet with tears, trying and failing to calm himself.]

There's nothing to forgive you for. I love you so much... I love you, I'm sorry— I'm so sorry! [He's starting to feel a little lightheaded, his gaze drifting even further out of focus.]

Don't— Don't apologize..!

[There's a shrill note of panic and she would shake her head, if she weren't already clinging to him with her face buried in his shoulder; her grip on him shifts a little and she readjusts it so that she can hold him even more tightly.]

Don't say "I'm sorry"... it, it sounds like what you really mean is "Goodbye."

[Because why else would he apologize to her if she's not going to lose him? He doesn't have to apologize if they stay together because if he really feels the need to, he'll be able to make it up to her day by day, just like she'll be able to make it up to him for the way she failed him in their first life and the way she's completely wrecked their second.]

I just— I want you. I want my brother again, I don't want to lose you, not ever... [His shoulder is damp with tears; she sounds almost delirious, and well, she is. Her breathing is panicked and uneven, and while she's not losing focus the same way he is, she's definitely not clearminded at all.]

[For several long moments, he keeps his face buried and obscured from the morning air, trying and failing to collect himself. It's too hard - his thoughts are too scattered, and Chizuru's panic only ends up feeding his own.]

I don't want to lose you, either!

[But he's desperately scared. The person that he was wasn't worth knowing. The person that he is now had forgotten all about her, living a charmed life in the same way that she had once before and he hates himself for it on a level that truly frightens him. Why is it so upsetting? Why had he been so angry with Chizuru for - for things entirely out of her hands? His breath catches in his throat and he makes a pitiful noise, but the power behind his voice is leaving.

More memories are surfacing. A house - a manor? More confusion, strange faces, the term designated killer. His face is almost completely without color now, with how much blood has drained from it.]

Please don't let me go...

Edited 2014-10-23 06:52 (UTC)

I won't let you go! I absolutely - I absolutely won't let you go...

[To let go of him now would be to go against everything she had stood for when she'd looked at the potential of a safe, happy life for Kaoru and weighed it as more important than her own qualms about killing. It would be to say "this didn't turn out the way I wanted, so it's worthless" - and that's not true at all. She will never, ever let Kaoru feel like he's alone, not after all she did to make sure he would grow up in a more nurturing environment, and certainly not after she's shattered all of that by coming here.

Waltzing into his life, breaking him to pieces, and then sweeping back out again... it would be completely unacceptable.

But her breathing is uneven, and if she doesn't calm herself she might just hyperventilate herself into unconsciousness. Still, her grip on Kaoru doesn't loosen.]

Do don't let me go either... stay with me. Stay with me...! Let me stay with you!

[There's a small voice in the back of her mind that says That's impossible. The Nagumo are still alive; she only has a week at most before they'll track her down. And if they track her here and find Kaoru...

No, no, no. She can't leave him. She was prepared to do it before, but she can't, she can't.]

I'll kill them... anyone who would take you away from me or me away from you, I'll kill them. I will! I've - I can do it, I've killed before, I'm not so weak that I can't kill to protect you...!

[Luckily, or maybe unluckily, Kaoru seems to be coming back to himself little by little. His breathing is also uneven and shallow and far too fast, but he remains silent, focusing instead on the rapid heartbeat of his younger sister. The way that she talks makes his chest ache, bringing unpleasant flashes to his mind's eye that he can't fully grasp.]

I... have also done my share of killing. A lot, a lot... I've killed a lot of people, haven't I? [He struggles briefly to reconcile with the automatic feeling of hollowed satisfaction that accompanies that, because this Kaoru is still much softer than the him of the past had been. Years of being on the run with humans that he had come to call important friends has worn the sharpness away from the edges of his heart, though it's hard for him to grasp that just yet, too. There are too many facets of himself that need to be unburied before it can all come together in the order it's meant to be in.

He doesn't think it's a wholly awful thing, though - that he's killed. Some haven't been for a good reason, or any reason at all, and those he can recognize as wrong now. But outside of that; killing the Nagumo, killing the people who work with the Producers... Those things are actions that he can't regret, or he'll start to regret the foundation of himself and it's already at such crumbling odds.

His grip shifts on Chizuru, but he remains close. When he speaks again, his voice is weak and breathy.]

...Have I made you like this? This is— my fault...? [His breath hitches.] I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it— You're my precious little sister. You're the most important thing to me... I was so happy that you had been safe!

[So what now?]

That's a lie!

[It comes out shrill and frantic, because if what he says is true - if he'd wanted her to be safe all along - then she's really screwed up by doing this. It can't be true. He has to have hated her - he has to have harbored that resentment for her all along, has to have been in pain, because she had chosen to put her fate in the Producers' hands and chosen to steal those three lives and chosen to cast aside her father, the man she loved, and her precious friends for the sake of unburdening him.

If he hadn't needed her to do any of that— If he hadn't wanted her to do any of that—

Her hold on him loosens entirely and she brings both hands up to her head, threading her fingers into her hair and tugging hard to try and help herself focus. The disorientation of his reactions is overwhelming; pain helps to ground her. It always has in this life.]

You can't— If you didn't need me to protect you after all, then what I do it for..?

[To ease her own conscience? To win back affections she'd had all along?]

I wanted to save you! I wanted to make you happy again!

[He's a little lost in himself now, more than he had been before. The disconnect that he's found within himself is something that he wants desperately to bridge, because his descent into madness in his first life had been so gradual that he hadn't really noticed it. Sure, he had some awareness. He knew he was a rotten person, he knew that the things he was doing weren't good things, but it had been difficult for him to pinpoint just when or why or how he had come to resent and hate his most precious person so much.

Looking back on it now, it's much easier to watch. With shaking fingers, he reaches up to touch the back of Chizuru's hands, trying to get her to ease up on the tugging. it's a familiar gesture, and he doesn't want to see it on her. Another sign that he had failed, he had irreparably failed her. Can he even call himself an older brother?]

The me of that time... [Was better off buried, honestly, but even his shaky mind realizes that saying so aloud would be cruel to Chizuru, further invalidating everything she's sacrificed to reach this point.]

...I— I never really resented you. It was hard for you... I understood that. I did... It wasn't your fault that you forgot. I knew that. When you were carried away from that building, I was happy... I just wanted you to be able to stop crying. You always cried so much, and I was— upset... I wanted to be there to wipe your tears away.

[But days had become weeks, then months, then years. Every little doubt he had held about himself and his life had been found and torn open by the people housing him until he was convinced that his own parents had never loved him, until just the thought of Chizuru living a happy life in blissful ignorance was enough to make him white-hot with rage.]

—I never told you, but I loved you, still. I just wanted to be together with you again. [And it manifested in the most gruesome way possible.]

Stop it..!

[She flinches away from his touch when he puts his hand to hers, and in doing so she nearly loses her balance and tumbles off the porch - but she just barely manages not to by pulling one hand from her hair in order to catch herself, so his attempt at getting her to ease up sort of works. But only sort of, because the hand that remains in her hair tugs even harder to make up for the one that's out.]

Stop, stop, stop..! That can't... If that's the truth, then I never understood— Any of it...?

[She never understood him. They're twins, but she never understood. She saw the good in a group of vicious killers like the Shinsengumi, but she'd thought the worst of her brother - of her twin... it had been so easy to doubt her own flesh and blood, to think him selfish and cruel. Maybe it's because, deep down, she was also selfish.

Had it really been about saving him? Or had it been about claiming her brother by any means necessary? Making him indebted to her for the peaceful life he could live—

As a Yukimura, it probably hadn't been, but she's a Nagumo now and the seed of bitterness that's taken root in her heart says, Yes, yes, that's the case. He's her brother, her brother, and she saved him, he owes her, they're even for real now because they've both experienced a life with the Nagumo and with Yukimura Kodo.

They're even.

So why is this so messed up...? They're even, shouldn't this be easier? Why is she crying - why is he crying - why can't this just be right?]

You're my brother. [She practically snarls the words out, tugging so hard on her hair that a few strands actually come lose, and she winces.] You're my twin! I should have understood you! And I should have been there—

[But when he suffered, when he needed reassurance of his family's love, she wasn't there. He remembered that awful day, and she kept it bottled up, untouched, for so many years. He had no one, and she had Kodo and the Shinsengumi and Okita, her Okita...]

But— This... you didn't want it? You just... wanted me to be happy...? All along, you wanted to be my brother again...?

[There still seems to be a disconnect between his mind and body, because even though he struggles to catch Chizuru, it takes him a few seconds longer before he's even stumbling close. He reaches out, fingers clumsy and grasping, trying to anchor her again. It helps to anchor him a little, having something else to focus on.

But he's coming to the dawning realization that the him of the past had never managed, and the him of that world had only just started to figure out. He raises his free hand, the motion stilted, and it comes to rest against his chest.]

...There's nothing that would have made me happy at that point. [Too far gone - he was too far gone. Nothing in the world could have filled that hungry emptiness inside of himself.] Even if I said "seeing you suffer makes me so happy"... [It had been hollow. It hadn't been happiness - it had just been a brief alleviation of the otherwise constant inward pressure he felt, the endless absence of anything meaningful.

He bites his lip, reaching out again, trying to clasp the hand that's pulling at her hair so awfully, his brow furrowing downward. There's some measure of distance in his expression, but it's not directed at Chizuru herself. He just can't fully contain his own awareness and it drifts away from him without his intention behind it.]

But— I did. I did, I did... I wanted to be your brother again. I just— I just wanted to be "equal". I wanted to stand by your side like I had done years and years ago. But since... I could never regain what I had lost—

[He wanted Chizuru to lose what she had, too. It fills him with a sick sense of dread and self-directed disgust, though there's a part of him that understands without him needing to put more thought into it, like it's the most natural thing in the world. He wonders if he'll be at odds with himself for the rest of his life, if he can't reconcile fully or even partially.]

[She shudders at his words and then again when he tries to clasp her hand. This time, she doesn't manage to pull it out of his reach, but she tightens her hold on her hair as if she's afraid that letting go will make her lose something. This life has been full of things she hasn't been able to keep a hold on - she's watched things slip away from her time and time again... and so letting go of anything at all, even if it's for her own good, is almost more than she can bear.]

There was nothing I could have done..? Nothing...

[No matter how hard she tried, no matter what she might have given up to the him of that time - if she had lost Okita, if she had descended into madness with him... it wouldn't have been enough? It's a chilling, lonely thought, and it all but paralyzes her with fear because now the him of that time is slowly seeping back into the him of this time.

She wants to plead with him again not to hate her, because if he'd resented her that much then - so much that his resentment had overshadowed his desire to be together with her as siblings...

Chizuru's voice is panicked and desperate, and one hand comes up to grip his arm tightly.]

We're equal now, right? We have to be— We're the same—

[Her eyes are wild and full of tears.]

Is it enough...?

[The grip on his arm serves to further ground him, but he'll work dutifully at trying to loosen Chizuru's fingers from her hair at the same time. He doesn't want to see her hurt herself - not now, not after he's caused her so much hurt just by existing. The worst part is, he's collected enough of himself to know that the him of the past would be positively delighted for this, in that twisted and distant way he can dredge up. Kaoru's feelings from that time seem muted with the exception of very few - jealously, anger, disgust. Only negativity manifested strongly in him, and that strength is starting to bleed over, even though he's desperately trying to maintain a grip on himself.

He doesn't like seeing her panic, even though the bitter core of his existence is hungry for it. He doesn't want to see her cry, even though that distanced part of his mind watches eagerly. He reaches up, heedless of her grip on his arm, and tries to wipe some of her tears away.

This is not what he had wanted at all.]

Please, don't— Don't ask me something like that... [Is a lifetime of torment enough? How had he allowed himself to become such a disturbing person that Chizuru would even think to ask a question like that? He wants to grind the heel of his palms into his eyes, filled with frustration at himself and at this far-off, detached notion of "producers", but he's too afraid to let her go.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! You deserved so much—! [A brother who could actually protect her, a life free of his haunting shadow, free of the grasp of people who would convince her that murder was her only option.] I couldn't give you anything. I couldn't even protect you!

Don't ask..?

[It's not what she was expecting to hear at all. Not what she was expecting - and so she isn't sure how to handle it. Her stomach churns and she shakes her head; her grip on his arm tightens in the same way that her grip on her hair does, and Kaoru will certainly have his work cut out for him in trying to loosen either of them.

Unexpected... So it's not the answer she was hoping for.]

It's not, is it..? It isn't, it isn't, it isn't... What do I have to do? What did I do wrong...?

[Because she has to be the one at fault here. If she can't get a "Yes, we're equal" out of him, she must not have suffered enough. Did she have it too easy with the Nagumo clan? The fact that she was able to slip away from them to make this request - did he take it as her not having suffered, of them being too unequal for him to just say yes the way she was hoping for so that he would accept her? His apology and his lament over not being able to protect her falls on deaf ears; it's not what she expected to hear, either, and so it can only be something negative.

She yanks on her hair, once and then twice, and rips out a few more strands before he's finally able to coax her hand free of it. She makes an unpleasant, strangled sound in the back of her throat and shakes her head.]

I couldn't protect you after all. I failed you... I failed you—

[Always, always failing in some way—]

I wanted to be worthless to them, [Because to the Nagumo her worth comes from bearing them a child, and so she wears "worthless" as a badge of pride, because it means she hasn't given them what they want,] But I wanted to be worth something to you! Why... why can't I do this right...?!

[That's not what he had been expecting either, but is it really such a surprise? It seems like the only time they were ever in true understanding of one another was back in the days before the humans had attacked their village, and no matter what they try to do on either end to reconcile those differences, misunderstanding remains. He can't - he still can't communicate with his most precious person efficiently. His inability to put his thoughts and feelings into words has hurt her before, and he's only continuing to do that. It's unbearable.

She can grip his arm as tightly as she wants and he won't be pulling away, but he will work diligently and gently on prying her fingers from her hair. Once he manages that successfully, he's quick to hold it in his own. She's free to grasp that as tightly as she wants, too; he couldn't care less about his own physical state. How could he when Chizuru is hurting so badly?]

No! No, no, no, that isn't it! You didn't fail me, I failed you! [And he needs her to see that, even though she's suffering so badly right now. He has to make her understand that she isn't at fault here. The desperation reflects in his tone and face; even though he had been calming down, this riles him right back up.]

You're worth so much to me... Chizuru, you're worth everything! I would give up anything to make you happy—! Anything! [And without the taint of those heavy emotions he had carried in his first life - his true life? - he can say those words and mean them wholeheartedly, without any sort of dark sentiment seeping in through the cracks.

...At least not the same darkness, because this is going downhill too rapidly for him to salvage and his feelings of love have interleaved with despair.]

But I didn't— I didn't want this, I didn't... I didn't really want you to be like me! I never wanted you to hurt like this—! I never wanted you to suffer like I had, but I— [His voice seizes in his throat briefly, a fresh wave of unpleasant memories and long-buried emotions resurfacing.] I couldn't stop myself... Back then, I would have burnt the world down to drag you to my side. [And there's a small part of him even now that still clings to that bitter, twisted notion of "love" and "equality". He can detect its presence now, small and tempered but festering.]

...This existence has only brought you harm when it should have been keeping you safe.

[She can't see that, though. She can't see it, because it's something that, by now, is so far beyond her understanding that she's not sure she'll ever be able to see it again. Since their separation, Kaoru had only been able to act civilly with her when he was playing a role; Chizuru remembers that all too well... the role of demure young woman on the streets of Kyoto, the role of polite young man in that horrible castle. But when he had been himself, he had hated her, he had taken the man she had come to love and ruined him for the sake of making her suffer—

Maybe Yukimura Chizuru would have been able to understand it, that he did love her and it had just ended up twisted and broken by all the resentment, but Nagumo Chizuru, who had lived through years of the Nagumo clan's mistreatment and become convinced that she was worthless (a good thing, a good thing, because she doesn't want to live up to their expectations, but it means she can't live up to anyone else's expectations either), simply cannot believe that she's worth everything or that Kaoru would give up anything.

If that was possible, this wouldn't have been necessary. She wouldn't have had to have gone to such lengths to save him, because they could have met in the middle if he really loved her, if she was really worth anything at all—

She clutches his hand tightly instead of his hair and sobs.]

All those things... that I wanted to hear...

[Is it too late? She's not sure. She wants to be convinced, she deeply wants to be convinced, but she can't wrap her mind around it -

And she's utterly distracted from trying when he speaks of his own existence.]

No! [It comes out in a snarl.] Don't say that— Don't talk about yourself that way, don't do it—

[The only thing he regrets about letting her grab his arm and hand so tightly is the fact that he can't freely move either for the time being, and all the wants to do is smooth her hair down, rest a hand at the top of her head, tell her that everything will be okay - and they will be okay - and that she can stop crying, that she has no need for these tears.

There's a dim feeling growing within him, though; the self-worth that he's built up over these years that should have never belonged to him feels a little less sturdy now, though it doesn't dissipate entirely. But to know that he is the root cause of all of this - that Chizuru had given up her entire life for his sake, and he can't even appreciate it well because he sees how clearly he's ruined her... How can he possibly think a person like that holds anything good? Just by living, just by virtue of being such a selfish person, he had destroyed someone else's life with his own two hands.

So he leans forward, shaking his head, because it's true. What he's said is true. Maybe Kaoru Yukimura has clean hands, but that person grew from the existence "Kaoru Nagumo", whose hands are bloodier than anyone else he knows.]

I should have said something— I should have been able to see... [But he couldn't at that point. It had taken - a lot, hadn't it? He had died. He had been chosen to be saved. It had taken a lot to get through to him, and those sort of circumstances simply weren't present in his life. His memories seem to extend far beyond the time they should now, bleeding in from a future he's yet to experience, but something that he knows must be true.

He leans forward further, squeezing her hand gently and resting his cheek against the side of her head.]

You were the only bright thing in my life. Please believe me... I still love you so, so much.

The only...

[She repeats the words and is quiet for a few moments, leaning into his cheek and squeezing his hand and loosening her hold on his arm so that she can wrap her arm around him to hold him close, instead. She listens to the sound of his heartbeat and hers, and does her best to let the two sounds calm her; her tears, at least, start to come less frequently, and her trembling, while it doesn't stop entirely, does start to slow.

When Chizuru speaks again, her voice isn't really devoid of emotion so much as it's light and airy and detached, definitely at odds with the still-present look of devastation on her face.]

That's sad... that's too sad, isn't it? To only have one single bright spot in your life...

[Her voice trails off and then it's full of intensity all over again, and it cracks midway through but she keeps going anyway -]

You were supposed to have lots and lots of them..!

[She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, willing herself to stop shaking so that she can comfort him; he has a lot to take in and a lot that he's feeling now. Slowly, she loosens her hold on his hand and if he'll let go of it, she'll bring it up to run through his hair in gentle, soothing strokes.]

Was I able to do that much for you, at least..? Are there more bright spots in your life now..?

[The thing is, Kaoru had known at the time that it was sad to only have one bright spot, but it had been in a distant and twisted sort of way, much like everything else. He recognized the unfairness in it, but he wasn't able to process it properly, fueling his choice to leap immediately to finger-pointing and laying the blame, trying to alleviate his misery in the only way that he knew.

Being able to see a little more clearly now, he also realizes where he went wrong there. He had taken that one spot of brightness in his life and had become envious over it, guarding it jealously but hating it at the same time. How dare it be bright when the rest of his life had passed by in darkness? How dare Chizuru find it in herself to keep shining?

...It had been a mistake. So much of what he had done had been a mistake, and he doesn't even know where to begin if he wants to fix it all.

He'll let her pull her hand away, but he doesn't let her go. Instead, he folds her up in both of his arms, trying to calm his breathing and listen to what she says. It stings - he doesn't think he deserves this new brightness. Not him, a person who had taken some of Chizuru's brightness away.]

...There are— [But hadn't there been before? Back in that place, he was slowly learning how to see the good in other things, too. His head tilts forward and he makes a soft, upset-sounding noise when he feels the hand in his hair.]

...But I never meant to take yours away. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry. I just want to share a life full of good things with you. [This is the sort of equality he had been looking for back then, but he doesn't want it anymore.] I— How... How did this even happen?

Edited 2014-10-25 22:33 (UTC)

[Chizuru wants Kaoru to be happy, and Kaoru wants to share a happy life with Chizuru. It seems they're both doomed to not get what they want.

Because what sort of "life full of good things" and she possibly share with him, at this point? The Nagumo clan still lingers on the horizon. She is painfully, horribly aware of the fact that she will have to return to them, if she doesn't want to lead them straight to her brother. Or if not that - she'll still have to leave Kaoru, because she doesn't want any of those demons anywhere near him. Not after what they did to him the first time around, not after what they've done to her in the years that she has lived with them.

So sharing a life with him... she's said that she doesn't want to leave him and that she doesn't want him to leave her, but she's going to have to go. Staying together isn't just difficult - it's outright impossible, and that is why her shoulders sag as he folds her into his arms. She rests herself against him, suddenly exhausted, keeping one hand in his hair and one hand tightly around him.]

I want that too. [Her voice breaks, because she knows she won't ever have it.] I do— I do, I do... [He still has a chance. She's ruined part of his life by allowing him to remember, but he isn't so far gone now that he's irredeemable. He can meet people to fill the void in his heart where she would be - he can find his Shinsengumi, or the equivalent thereof. He can find someone as important to him as Okita was to her and be happy, and Chizuru will try so, so hard not to be jealous, or at least not to lash out at him in her jealousy.

She wants him to have the sort of life she might have lived at Okita's side, if not for Kaoru and the ochimizu and the producers. She wants him to grow old beside her— No, with someone else, someone who will raise him up and make him smile and laugh (he's her brother how dare he laugh for anyone else).

He needs to be happy. He can't be happy like this, but she doesn't want to let him go. As for how it got this broken, this twisted - ]

...it's... my fault. They made me remember— [Not a sister after all, but a brother, right there alongside her in the castle. Her brother.] They... showed me. In the fireplace, I saw— I saw what your life had been like— I wanted to change it. I didn't care what happened to me, I still don't care, I wanted to change it... And without even consulting you, I—

[Fell straight into the producers' trap.]

[Just hearing "I want that too" is enough to help Kaoru relax a little, unaware of the fact that she's saying something and thinking the exact opposite. There's nothing he could be happier for than to finally be able to live out whatever is left of his life by his sister's side, unreachable in his first life and forgotten in his second. He doesn't think it's such a far-off goal; after all, he is still the same person that he had been before, beneath these year-softened layers that this new life has brought on. If it comes down to the lives of the Nagumo and being able to remain by Chizuru's side... well, it's a decision that makes itself.

But his posture goes completely rigid at the mention of the fireplace. In the fireplace... had he seen something similar? Was it in the fireplace? No, no... He can recall a man - a nation? Someone looming over them all... himself and three - no, four others. These are... the designated killers of his own season. Three, it seemed, because Touko is slower to come to mind.]

The chance to change... [A mistake in the past, to fix a possible poor outcome in the future. Regaining memories, attaining immortality, gaining the ability to resurrect the dead - these are the prizes they had played for. His grip tightens just a little.] We were... part of - a game? A gameshow? The fiftieth anniversary.

[Which is something Chizuru may or may not know, depending on how far the game progressed before she ended up killing someone - killing more than one? It makes dread sink to the pit of his stomach like a rock and at first he thinks it's solely because of the thought of Chizuru killing for him. That is horrific; it chills him to the bone. But there's more than that... There's something else forming a gnawing unease that's becoming hungrier by the second.]

No, no, no...! You "won". You "won" the "prize", you played the game—

[Why, why, why is that such a terrible thing? Why does that cause the anxiety festering in him to boil up again, stronger than before?]

Fiftieth..?

[No, she doesn't understand what he means by that. By her reckoning, Sebastian had just released his report recently, and Austria hadn't yet poisoned Spain; she didn't hesitate, she didn't drag it out and put it off until the last moment, and Austria hadn't had the chance to go through with her plot. The museum was never opened. Spain was never killed—

So how does Kaoru know about the anniversary...? It's a question that will weigh heavily on her until she has the answer, but for the moment there is a more pressing need. Kaoru's anxiety is infectious and she is seized by the insistent urge to explain, to make him understand - surely he won't panic if he just understands...]

They... they said that... I had to. Something went wrong— Something was... wrong. They said I could end it. [End the game.] Someone was— Interfering... And that was why my memories of you were so muddled, and if it went on any longer none of us would ever be able to... they said if I acted, everyone who was still alive would be saved but I—

I didn't care about them... I just wanted to save you.

[Her hold on him tightens.]

So I killed... Kuzuryuu-san and Feferi-san. And I framed Nanami-san— They said that if I retired after she was executed, they would send everyone home and let me save you right away... They promised...

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