recountal | reunion;;

reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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[One. Kaoru's hand on her back, soft and gentle. Two. His hand reaching for hers, his finger tips brushing against hers. Three. Her own fingers shifting so that she can take his hand. Four. Their fingers laced together, holding tightly so he can't let go. Five. His presence, warm and comforting. He's here. Six. Kaoru is safe. The only danger will from lingering here too long, and she won't allow that to happen. Seven. She'll return to the Nagumo and keep him a secret, hidden away so they'll never, ever be able to hurt him. Eight. Nothing will ever hurt him again. Not even her.

Nine.

"It's all right."

Ten.

"It'll be fine."

She raises her head, then. Her trembling has started to cease as she's calmed down; her breathing has stayed even. She's even managed to keep tears from welling up in her eyes again. Her hold on his hand loosens, but only so that she can reach for his upper arm and pull herself closer to him - she wants to embrace him, to hold tight to him and take comfort and give comfort, because she knows watching someone else in pain can be just as bad as being in pain yourself; she never wanted to worry him.]

Thank you...

[She's doing better, but her voice is still a whisper.]

Thank you for being here. I'm... I'm okay now. ...thank you.

[Kaoru moves instinctively, which is strange, because - and he has to continue reminding himself of this - she is a stranger. a woman who he shares an uncanny resemblance with, but someone that he hadn't met at all until she came to Kodo's clinic for a terrible, terrible reason.

but logic doesn't prevent him from immediately folding her into his arms when she pulls herself close, and there's something warm and sad and nostalgic about the way that it feels so much like home to comfort her. the soft hummingbird-buzz in his mind seems to increase a little, but he doesn't care, because he is needed right now and he'll be damned if he can't provide to the best of his abilities. so he holds her close, resting his temple against hers, and one hand rises to gently smooth down her hair.

there is a part of him that reels at being thanked.]

It's fine. Just take your time - take all the time that you need.

[She wants to stay here in his arms forever, but she can't, and she knows that - if she takes all the time she needs, that's what would happen. She would never leave, because what she needs after having lived with the Nagumo is to see her brother constantly, to see him safe, happy -

Maybe it's not enough that he's doing well on his own. Maybe it will never be enough. Selfishly, what she wants most of all is for him to be happy with her. She saved him, didn't she? ...isn't it only right if they're reunited in the end? She thought she was content to leave him in peace, to live with the Nagumo and watch them die out not by blade but on their own, slowly, because she would never bear them a child and they were too twisted for anyone else to bear one for them. She wanted the downfall of the Nagumo to be a slow and painful process and she wanted to be there for every moment of it.

Now she wants them dead and gone so she can stay with her brother. Her brother. They're each other's family! Kodo isn't his real father, he was never her father, they're all they have left in the world, she doesn't want to leave -

Her heartbeat has quickened again; her breathing is uneven. Slowly, she forces herself to calm down. If she works herself up, that won't help matters at all.]

The food... is going to get cold. [She should pull herself out of his arms, but she can't bring herself to.] ...we should eat... I didn't mean to distract us from that.

[I'm sorry is right there, at the tip of her tongue, but he's already told her not to apologize.]

[likewise, he doesn't pull away just yet, either. he's taking his cues from Chizuru right now, and if she doesn't feel comfortable leaving and trying to reestablish some normalcy just yet, then he won't force her to do it.

instead, he'll just offer as much comfort as he can, unaware of the unfairness of this situation in Chizuru's eyes. how can he know if she won't tell him, though? his memories of that time long-passed are all but gone, little more than a heat mirage dancing over the surface of this new life that he's been given by a sister that he can't even remember.]

Are you ready to eat? It can wait until then.

[his voice is soft, even, steady. he is doing his very best to be a pillar of support in every sense of the word, trying to give her that stability that she's let slip in the past few minutes.

if the food cools, that's fine. if the tea is spilt and forgotten, it's okay. his priority right now is to make sure that Chizuru can return to some semblance of normalcy without it being forced.]

I'm ready.

[...she says that, but she still makes no move to leave his arms. She can't lie as well when she's coming down from having lost her control, and it's obvious that those two words are false. It would even have been obvious to her, back in the days when she was so gullible that she had been willing to take the word of someone who had obviously meant her harm.

It isn't until another couple of minutes (~~three minutes~~) have passed that she finally does loosen her hold on him and finally does pull herself out of his hold. She doesn't really like leaving his arms, but she knows it's necessary. They're "strangers," after all - she can't really stay locked in a stranger's embrace for so long.]

...I'm ready now. [She manages a smile, and this time, it's much less obvious that she's forcing it.] Thank you.

[it's so false that he doesn't even bother pulling away to look her in the eye, especially when she doesn't pull away at first, either. he'll continue to hold her until she does pull away, at which point he lets his arms fall back to his sides gently, reaching out one last time to pat the top of her head. the gesture, for some reason, just seems right.]

You don't need to thank me. [he smiles back, and his isn't forced, but it is a little thin-looking. there are a lot of things about what just happened that don't sit well with him, try as he might to gloss over it all. he doesn't want discrepancies to start stacking up.

either way, with that as a go-ahead, he pushes himself up from the floor and goes over to fetch the tray, which has miraculously not fallen to the ground yet despite its placement. he'll carry it back over to the table and arrange it before them both, with Chizuru's on her side.]

Ah— One more thing. [and away he goes into the kitchen to get some of their peaches, which he washes up quickly and sets in a bowl. that, too, is placed between them. he pauses for a second.]

Is it all right if I sit next to you for this meal? [rather than across the table, where he won't be able to reach her as quickly if she has another attack.]

...that's all right.

[She doesn't think she'll have another attack - when they come, they're intense, but when they go... they stay gone for a long while, until all her bitterness and resentment and fear and rage build up and explode again and she's lost to the intensity of it all. Maybe it would be healthier for her to express them more steadily, to not let any of those feelings build up at all -

But that's not something the Nagumo clan would accept. It's just a side effect of the role she has to play while in their company. The perfect wife, demure and willing to do as they say, never once complaining.

She hates herself, sometimes - hates Nagumo Chizuru, the person she pretends to be in order to survive.

Her gaze wanders down to the odamaki-mushi and the peaches, and she can't help but smile. Kaoru is thoughtful - she wants to focus on the kindness she can experience here with him, and not the horror she'll experience when she goes back.]

It will make the food taste even better... I think.

Thank you.

[it's spoken softly, and maybe it's a little strange for him to be grateful that she's letting him sit by her side, but here he is. he tucks his legs beneath himself after taking a seat beside her, pulling his own ramekin from the tray along with one of the spoons that had been set out.

he also reaches for one of the peaches and a knife so that he can peel it before beginning his meal, working surprisingly quickly.]

...I'm grateful to have you here, sharing this meal with me. [the strip of peach skin grows longer as he talks, expertly peeling in a spiral without once breaking the loop.] I know that this might sound a little strange, but... I like your company. It can get so quiet here sometimes that I think I'd forget how to talk normally with people if we didn't have our clients. But— I've had a lot of fun, being able to talk with you. I'm sorry that I can't do more for you.

[he drops the peach skin back into the bowl, slicing the fruit in two and twisting both sides to separate it from its pit. one half is held out toward Chizuru.]

I hope that you'll have another meal with me when this one is finished.

[She doesn't understand why he's thanking her. Sitting at her side isn't such a great thing as to be thanked for, is it..? If anyone should be thanking anyone else in this room, she should be thanking him.

...but he goes on to explain, and oh, she gets it. The time before she had set out to find her father was so lonely. She'd been with him through childhood, and had been with the Shinsengumi after going to Kyoto - but that period of time in Edo while he was gone, without him... even when she had lived here in her first life, she didn't have many close friends. Of course Kaoru has been lonely.

If he doesn't go to Kyoto the way she did, will he continue to be lonely? But if he gets involved with the Shinsengumi, he'll be in so much danger...

She takes the peach half that he offers, but doesn't eat it just yet.]

I'm very glad you like my company... I've enjoyed yours. I've enjoyed it so much. [More than she has the words to say. Even the words she has are a little much for a stranger to be saying, anyway.] If you enjoy being able to talk with me, you can talk with me whenever you want, while I'm here.

You have nothing to apologize for... you're doing me a big favor.

[Not many doctors would agree to helping a young girl poison herself into not having children! GO KAORU.]

...I was actually hoping the same thing. I'd like it if - while I'm here... if we could share all our meals together. [She looks down at the peach in her hands and smiles.] ...I'd like that a lot.

Edited (shift key no) 2014-09-19 22:17 (UTC)

[even if those words are a little much for a stranger, Kaoru seems pleased to hear them. it makes him feel a little less out in the open, a little less one-sided. he had been briefly afraid that the sentiment wouldn't be returned - that maybe in his loneliness, he had just bonded a little too quickly with a poor girl who only wanted a medical procedure done. but this puts those concerns to rest, and the smile on his face grows a little.]

Thank you. The same goes for you, too, of course. Any time that I'm here, please talk to me as much as you'd like.

[because he would like it, too. having someone to converse with is nice, but having Chizuru to converse with is...

well, just another one of those things that he can't describe. so he will continue being a totally sketchy doctor who helps young girls poison themselves into not having children if it means that she'll be happy, and maybe they'll be able to take a lot more meals together before she has to go again.]

...I'm a little sad that you'll be leaving so soon. [which is definitely a little much for a stranger to be saying, but he's apparently decided to throw caution to the wind, at least partially.] So I'll enjoy the meals that we share. I'll enjoy them a lot.

[a smile, and he "toasts" his peach half in her direction before biting down into it.]

[he stills, then, but just for a second - it's barely noticeable.

it's the first peach that he's had in a long time, and the sweetness on his tongue is very, very familiar. oppressively so. the first pop of sugar lingers unpleasantly and the chunk of fruit flesh almost burns like acid where it sits in his mouth, lead-like.

while the taste of peaches usually brings soft things to mind - harvesting them with Kodo— with his father, or sharing them with the neighbor kids, or washing them in basins of cool water to enjoy later when the sun sets and the night cools off and the fireflies start to travel - things are different this time.

in his mind's eye, he sees someone reaching, reaching, trying to grasp a peach so large that it doesn't seem like those small hands would be able to carry it. a tree overhead is filled with so much fruit that he thinks it could feed them all for the entire summer season, but that would make them all sick, someone says in a voice that isn't his own. he can feel the soft fuzz of peach skin against his lips. his name is called, soft and melodic and so nostalgic that he feels acutely sick to his stomach. sun warms his back. a strange smell is in the air - someone else is calling him. sunlight shines too brightly. he can't recapture the warmth from before. the peach in his mouth tastes bitter.

setting his empty hand against the table, he chokes on the juice that had settled under his tongue from that first bite, still unswallowed.]

[Barely noticeable, but noticeable enough; Chizuru watches Kaoru carefully, after all, even when she doesn't seem to be. She just can't get enough of seeing the person that her brother has grown into - of seeing him go about routines that don't involve pandering to the whims of the Nagumo, tailoring his every move and gesture, always walking on eggshells to ensure something terrible won't happen to him.

So of course she notices when he stills, because that is something at odds with eating a peach. Snacks that he enjoys (and she knows he enjoys them) shouldn't do that to him. She is tense and alert, and when he chokes, she leans over to put a hand on his back, her voice low and urgent and worried.]

Kaoru—? What's wrong?

[Was there something bad in the peach? Is he ill? ...or is this something like not too long before, when he'd spoken words so much more in line with the person he used to be? Is this some residual influence of his past life, of his life in the castle...?]

[the question is met with a shake of his head, and he forces himself to choke down the peach in his mouth before setting what's left of his half off to the side.]

It's— just a little sour, that's all. I must have picked ones that weren't fully ripened yet... I'm sorry for worrying you.

[if she tries her half, though, she'll find that it's actually incredibly sweet - as a peach of that size during this time of the year naturally would be. he doesn't seem inclined to pick it back up again, though, and there's a bit of a distracted air to the way he speaks and holds himself. it's clear that he's trying to shake whatever bizarreness that had been away, well away, and he shifts to pick up his spoon instead.

if nothing else, he's sure that the warmth and good taste of one of his favorite comfort foods will help. he's pleased to see steam release when he sinks the spoon into the custard, glad that it hasn't cooled off too much.]

[She isn't sure that's all it is. She wants to say so, but she also doesn't want Kaoru to think that she's doubting him, so she just files it away for future reference and makes a mental note to keep an eye on him for anything else that might seem odd.

...if the producers have done something, can she really justify leaving him in a week? If whatever it is strikes him while she's gone—

No, she doesn't want him to have to face anything unpleasant alone. That had been the whole point of all of this - to spare him from unpleasantries, to put him in a position where he would have a loving family and friends so he wouldn't ever have to be alone if something unpleasant did happen.

So what can she do?

...she looks more than a little anxious as she watches him sink his spoon into the custard. Her own peach half and her own serving of odamaki-mushi go untouched, for the moment.]

[unlike the peach, Kaoru takes his first bite of odamaki-mushi and it seems as though nothing is wrong with it at all. he savors the rich and familiar flavor of the eggy broth beneath the custard, humming in a content sort of way. there's the barest of that same buzz in the back of his mind from before, but it's easy to ignore for the time being, soft in the face of nostalgia.

he can't really recall it clearly, but it tastes so homey and comforting that he wonders how he managed to go so long without it.]

This turned out really well... [he sounds quite pleased with that, too, considering this is their joint cooking effort! and they did good!! he glances over to the side to see if Chizuru likes hers just as much, except...

well, she sure isn't eating anything. this has his brow furrowing upward a little in an expression of concern, and he lowers his spoon, already half-way toward scooping up one of the quail eggs.]

Are you all right?

[She hadn't expected Kaoru to notice how carefully she was watching him (even though the staring was blatantly obvious), and so she's a little caught by surprise by his question. She blinks twice and looks down before scooping up some of her custard, and takes a bite.]

Mm, I'm fine. It tastes good...

[It's a poor attempt at covering up her uneasiness, but her smile - not quite as genuine as any of the smiles she had offered him or the past version of him, much more along the lines of the smiles she'd perfected in the care of the Nagumo - comes easily.]

This isn't a bad recipe at all, don't you think?

[The version of himself that had been put to rest would have been able to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with that smile of hers the second it appeared, but this Kaoru can only stare for a second, feeling vaguely ill at ease. Nothing about it seems off to him - and why would it? He's never had the need for false kindness or to force his own smiles. But that's... nostalgic. Nostalgic in a bad way, and his gaze drops after a second to his bowl again.]

It isn't bad at all. I don't know why I haven't made it more often. [...Where did the recipe even come from, anyway? Isn't that a little strange...? He thought he remembered getting it from a childhood friend, but he can't actually recall at all. His palms suddenly feel a little clammy because he knows - he just knows that if he were to go looking through the small collection of recipes he's written down, he won't find this one among them. Even though he can recall the ingredients so clearly, and knows exactly how to prep them...

He takes a quiet breath in to calm himself, and though his own smile comes surprisingly easy, his hand trembles just a little as it finishes its arch and scoops up more custard and the small egg.]

It's warm, right?

[The dish itself, of course, but more than that - something about it is... really, really warm. And that, for some reason, makes his heart ache. His smile falters.]

...Nostalgic.

[Is he crying?? HE SURE IS CRYING. Or, at the very least, tears have beaded at the corners of his eyes. He doesn't yet seem aware of it, staring down at the spoon but seeming to look through it.]

[She doesn't answer his question.

The food is warm, but she's watching him carefully, and that trembling of his hand makes her worry. The way his smile falters makes her heart clench uncomfortably, and when tears begin to form in the corner of his eyes, she starts to reach up to thumb them away -

But then she pauses.

For one thing, she's a "stranger" - how will he even take a stranger trying to wipe his tears? This Kaoru has accepted her into his life so easily, but then, he doesn't really have a reason not to. If he has been living the life she lived before Kyoto, he doesn't have much of a reason to be wary, does he? If he's repressed his memories and been raised by a kind, loving man...

But that's the second thing. Why is he crying at all? ...why would it be so nostalgic, unless her presence here has done something to dredge up old memories? Maybe this was a mistake after all. Maybe she's no good for him.]

...Kaoru? [Her voice is low and urgent, and her brows furrow in concern; she wants to reach out to him, but she can't bring herself to do it, and her hands hover somewhat awkwardly in the space between them.] What's wrong..?

[The sound of his name draws his attention over, though it's slow, like her voice has to pierce through a thick wall before actually reaching him. He's confused - it doesn't show on his face, but he's confused and it's starting to make him feel cornered and panicked. Her hand is extended between them both but it's like he can't see it at all, even though he wants to set his bowl down to reach for it instinctively.

Why is she so far away?

He thinks it automatically and knows that it doesn't make sense, but it just serves to upset him further. Why is there this gap between them - this distance? He doesn't understand it. She's a stranger, someone that he just met recently and lent a room to so that she would have a place to stay. A place away from that clan, that clan, and a strong bubble of nausea rises in him when his thoughts drift that way. His hands are shaking badly by now, enough so that the quail egg gently rolls from the side of his spoon and drops to the table, but he doesn't seem to notice that either.]

It— I can't... I can't breathe—

[His grip on both the bowl and the spoon remains tight as ever and he doesn't seem to be having any trouble breathing, but there's a note of clear panic in his voice. He can't see, either - not well, anyway. The tears that had welled up before are now rolling down his cheeks, obscuring Chizuru's awkwardly outstretched hand from him. The feeling of nostalgia, briefly warm, is now biting and painful, sitting heavily on his chest.]

What..?!

[There are only a few things that could send more panic coursing through Chizuru than there is right now; Kaoru being physically injured is one of them, but tears rolling down his cheeks and an "I can't breathe" is bad enough, and she nearly chokes on her panic herself. His breathing looks okay, but that doesn't really mean anything in the end; the hand that is awkwardly extended between them goes to his back to feel his breathing, and the other comes up to try and wipe away some of his tears before reaching for his trembling hand.]

You're... focus on the sound of my voice, okay? [It's shrill and terrified; she doesn't want anything to happen to him. Is she the cause of him being like this now? ...maybe, but she can't just abandon him.] You'll be okay. Just... inhale, exhale... inhale, exhale... you'll be alright. You can breathe. It's alright. It'll be fine..!

[It has to be fine, it can't not be fine, Kaoru is someone who needs to be protected at all costs. She would slaughter anyone for his sake - she's dirtied her hands already - but what's affecting him now isn't something she can hurt or kill, and that's even more terrifying.]

[Chizuru, despite the panic in her voice, is doing something that normally would help tether him to the ground in any other situation. Having something to pin his focus on would normally do him worlds of good. But this... Something about hearing Chizuru's voice in particular just makes the pressure worsen. Though his breathing had been fine to start, it seems like he's working himself up so badly that he's starting to actually have trouble with it. It comes to him in short gasps, a gentle whistling noise accompanying each inhale. He tries to force words out regardless, but his ribcage feels like it's being pressed inward, compacting his lungs and throat.

When she touches his hand, he starts so badly that the bowl drops from it. He's somewhere else entirely; the hand on his own is unkind, and the clatter of that bowl hitting the table - the mess it's surely made - will bring him such horrific punishment that he knows he'll be sick from it. He feels sick. The tightness in his chest has migrated, opening up a pit in his stomach that seems like it could swallow him whole.]

No! No—!! [His voice is shrill, but Kaoru can hardly hear himself. The spoon drops to the table too and his hands wind into his hair instead, tugging, anxious, before he pushes himself away from the table.] Chizuru, Chizuru— I still— I still can't- [His wild mind still doesn't entirely understand why he's calling for her, but he needs to. Chizuru is the only anchor keeping him tied to this world. To "this" world...?

His hands drop, one immediately covering his mouth. An unpleasant gagging noise follows and Kaoru's turning on his heel, blindly crashing his way out of the room.]

[Nothing she's doing is helping. She wants more than anything to be able to really help him, but - she's just making it worse. He drops the bowl and then the spoon, and his hand goes up into his hair in a gesture that is so hauntingly familiar that it makes her stomach churn.

No, that's not a habit he should have cultivated here -

She rises to her feet as he gets up and turns away, and for a moment she is left there in that room alone. But only a moment. She doesn't want to scare him by giving chase, but she can't just leave him alone to his sickness, either. She hurries after him but takes care not to come too close and invade his personal space, because although every fiber of her being is screaming Hold him, comfort him, protect him, if even just a simple touch to his hand was enough to set him off, she can't risk what doing that will do to him.

But she wants to be able to do what she can - to protect him, she'll go to any lengths.]

Kaoru..! [He'd called out for her before; she calls back to him now.] I'm here... You're going to be okay..! I promise, you'll be okay..!

[The first place that his feet carry him to is the porch, because it's outside and suddenly everything inside just feels so horribly stifling. It's like he's looking at the interior of an entirely different house, and the walls that pass him by in a dizzy blur on his way out seem completely foreign and oppressive. He feels as though he doesn't belong, like he's a stranger in a building that he knows (knows?) he had grown up in. It makes bile rise in the back of his throat, and with it comes a deep-rooted feeling of - loathing, despair, anger. They're old, old feelings; it's almost like reaching into a chest and dusting off prized heirlooms.

These horrible, rotten things have been with him all along, he knows - he knows that almost immediately, because of how easily they come to him. He's struck by the fear that maybe he's been an equally rotten person all along, harboring this sort of decay. Maybe he deserves this. A word echoes in the back of his mind - worthless - and it draws up a raw, short and frightful scream, sucking the strength from his legs.

He teeters at the porch edge before collapsing, immediately retching over the side. It's impossible for him to even register where he is right now and Chizuru's words are little more than a distant buzz, drowned out by the harsh pulse of blood at his eardrums.

Still he searches, coughing once his mostly empty stomach has been emptied fully. Curling up doesn't help to alleviate anything, but he does anyway, wiping feebly at his face.]

Chizuru... Chizuru, where— Where are you...?

I'm right here!

[The answer is immediate and it comes from the doorframe leading out to the porch, where Chizuru is hovering, unsure if she should get closer or if she should just stay where she is and answer when he calls.]

Um—

[But he's thrown up, he probably feels wretched, and the taste of bile that's surely in his mouth can't be at all pleasant. She doesn't know how to take away the pain he's feeling, but she thinks she can do something about that, at least.]

I'll be right back... hold on, okay?

[She vanishes back into the house.

...but only for a few seconds, because she's moving as quickly as she can to get a cup of water for him to drink and a cool cloth to wash his face, and then she's by his side, crouching down next to him and holding them out because it's all she can think of to do.]

Here... it might help...

[It's almost like snow blindness with how he looks around and sees nothing, even though there is nothing physically wrong with his eyes. Nothing about this place is familiar, even though it is. He's too disoriented to be able to tell where he's ended up just yet, so in the end he simply tries to focus on Chizuru's voice, listening and waiting and breathing in harsh and uneven gasps. He's not calmed down by a long shot, but when he hears her footsteps heading toward him... something about that is enough to bring him down at least a little. If nothing else, he no longer feels the pressing urge to lean over and dry heave anymore.

When she offers the glass to him, he looks at it with confusion beneath the panic and the harsh upset. A glass, a glass - water. Right, he needs to drink it. He reaches out, hand still shaking, to take it. Even if it isn't filled very high, he'll likely still manage to spill some trying to get a sip, because his motor control is severely limited for the time being and he honestly can't even tell if his hand is getting anywhere near his mouth.

He'll succeed eventually though, making a soft noise as the foul taste is washed away and his throat is soothed. He doesn't reach up for the washcloth just yet - doesn't see a point in it. He's supposed to use it to clean his face, but the tears haven't stopped yet.]

Why... did that happen—? I can't see, I can't see anything...

[Even his voice seems heavily afflicted by tremors, rising and falling gracelessly. He can see - it's not like he's literally blind, but he's having so much difficulty putting himself back into his own body in the right order.]

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