chizuru "would you jerks stop leaving me" yukimura (
derepressed) wrote in
recountal2014-06-09 08:26 pm
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reunion;;
Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.
[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...
This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.
She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.
She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -
The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]
Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...
[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.
She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]
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So of course she notices when he stills, because that is something at odds with eating a peach. Snacks that he enjoys (and she knows he enjoys them) shouldn't do that to him. She is tense and alert, and when he chokes, she leans over to put a hand on his back, her voice low and urgent and worried.]
Kaoru—? What's wrong?
[Was there something bad in the peach? Is he ill? ...or is this something like not too long before, when he'd spoken words so much more in line with the person he used to be? Is this some residual influence of his past life, of his life in the castle...?]
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It's— just a little sour, that's all. I must have picked ones that weren't fully ripened yet... I'm sorry for worrying you.
[if she tries her half, though, she'll find that it's actually incredibly sweet - as a peach of that size during this time of the year naturally would be. he doesn't seem inclined to pick it back up again, though, and there's a bit of a distracted air to the way he speaks and holds himself. it's clear that he's trying to shake whatever bizarreness that had been away, well away, and he shifts to pick up his spoon instead.
if nothing else, he's sure that the warmth and good taste of one of his favorite comfort foods will help. he's pleased to see steam release when he sinks the spoon into the custard, glad that it hasn't cooled off too much.]
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...if the producers have done something, can she really justify leaving him in a week? If whatever it is strikes him while she's gone—
No, she doesn't want him to have to face anything unpleasant alone. That had been the whole point of all of this - to spare him from unpleasantries, to put him in a position where he would have a loving family and friends so he wouldn't ever have to be alone if something unpleasant did happen.
So what can she do?
...she looks more than a little anxious as she watches him sink his spoon into the custard. Her own peach half and her own serving of odamaki-mushi go untouched, for the moment.]
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he can't really recall it clearly, but it tastes so homey and comforting that he wonders how he managed to go so long without it.]
This turned out really well... [he sounds quite pleased with that, too, considering this is their joint cooking effort! and they did good!! he glances over to the side to see if Chizuru likes hers just as much, except...
well, she sure isn't eating anything. this has his brow furrowing upward a little in an expression of concern, and he lowers his spoon, already half-way toward scooping up one of the quail eggs.]
Are you all right?
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Mm, I'm fine. It tastes good...
[It's a poor attempt at covering up her uneasiness, but her smile - not quite as genuine as any of the smiles she had offered him or the past version of him, much more along the lines of the smiles she'd perfected in the care of the Nagumo - comes easily.]
This isn't a bad recipe at all, don't you think?
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It isn't bad at all. I don't know why I haven't made it more often. [...Where did the recipe even come from, anyway? Isn't that a little strange...? He thought he remembered getting it from a childhood friend, but he can't actually recall at all. His palms suddenly feel a little clammy because he knows - he just knows that if he were to go looking through the small collection of recipes he's written down, he won't find this one among them. Even though he can recall the ingredients so clearly, and knows exactly how to prep them...
He takes a quiet breath in to calm himself, and though his own smile comes surprisingly easy, his hand trembles just a little as it finishes its arch and scoops up more custard and the small egg.]
It's warm, right?
[The dish itself, of course, but more than that - something about it is... really, really warm. And that, for some reason, makes his heart ache. His smile falters.]
...Nostalgic.
[Is he crying?? HE SURE IS CRYING. Or, at the very least, tears have beaded at the corners of his eyes. He doesn't yet seem aware of it, staring down at the spoon but seeming to look through it.]
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The food is warm, but she's watching him carefully, and that trembling of his hand makes her worry. The way his smile falters makes her heart clench uncomfortably, and when tears begin to form in the corner of his eyes, she starts to reach up to thumb them away -
But then she pauses.
For one thing, she's a "stranger" - how will he even take a stranger trying to wipe his tears? This Kaoru has accepted her into his life so easily, but then, he doesn't really have a reason not to. If he has been living the life she lived before Kyoto, he doesn't have much of a reason to be wary, does he? If he's repressed his memories and been raised by a kind, loving man...
But that's the second thing. Why is he crying at all? ...why would it be so nostalgic, unless her presence here has done something to dredge up old memories? Maybe this was a mistake after all. Maybe she's no good for him.]
...Kaoru? [Her voice is low and urgent, and her brows furrow in concern; she wants to reach out to him, but she can't bring herself to do it, and her hands hover somewhat awkwardly in the space between them.] What's wrong..?
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Why is she so far away?
He thinks it automatically and knows that it doesn't make sense, but it just serves to upset him further. Why is there this gap between them - this distance? He doesn't understand it. She's a stranger, someone that he just met recently and lent a room to so that she would have a place to stay. A place away from that clan, that clan, and a strong bubble of nausea rises in him when his thoughts drift that way. His hands are shaking badly by now, enough so that the quail egg gently rolls from the side of his spoon and drops to the table, but he doesn't seem to notice that either.]
It— I can't... I can't breathe—
[His grip on both the bowl and the spoon remains tight as ever and he doesn't seem to be having any trouble breathing, but there's a note of clear panic in his voice. He can't see, either - not well, anyway. The tears that had welled up before are now rolling down his cheeks, obscuring Chizuru's awkwardly outstretched hand from him. The feeling of nostalgia, briefly warm, is now biting and painful, sitting heavily on his chest.]
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[There are only a few things that could send more panic coursing through Chizuru than there is right now; Kaoru being physically injured is one of them, but tears rolling down his cheeks and an "I can't breathe" is bad enough, and she nearly chokes on her panic herself. His breathing looks okay, but that doesn't really mean anything in the end; the hand that is awkwardly extended between them goes to his back to feel his breathing, and the other comes up to try and wipe away some of his tears before reaching for his trembling hand.]
You're... focus on the sound of my voice, okay? [It's shrill and terrified; she doesn't want anything to happen to him. Is she the cause of him being like this now? ...maybe, but she can't just abandon him.] You'll be okay. Just... inhale, exhale... inhale, exhale... you'll be alright. You can breathe. It's alright. It'll be fine..!
[It has to be fine, it can't not be fine, Kaoru is someone who needs to be protected at all costs. She would slaughter anyone for his sake - she's dirtied her hands already - but what's affecting him now isn't something she can hurt or kill, and that's even more terrifying.]
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When she touches his hand, he starts so badly that the bowl drops from it. He's somewhere else entirely; the hand on his own is unkind, and the clatter of that bowl hitting the table - the mess it's surely made - will bring him such horrific punishment that he knows he'll be sick from it. He feels sick. The tightness in his chest has migrated, opening up a pit in his stomach that seems like it could swallow him whole.]
No! No—!! [His voice is shrill, but Kaoru can hardly hear himself. The spoon drops to the table too and his hands wind into his hair instead, tugging, anxious, before he pushes himself away from the table.] Chizuru, Chizuru— I still— I still can't- [His wild mind still doesn't entirely understand why he's calling for her, but he needs to. Chizuru is the only anchor keeping him tied to this world. To "this" world...?
His hands drop, one immediately covering his mouth. An unpleasant gagging noise follows and Kaoru's turning on his heel, blindly crashing his way out of the room.]
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No, that's not a habit he should have cultivated here -
She rises to her feet as he gets up and turns away, and for a moment she is left there in that room alone. But only a moment. She doesn't want to scare him by giving chase, but she can't just leave him alone to his sickness, either. She hurries after him but takes care not to come too close and invade his personal space, because although every fiber of her being is screaming Hold him, comfort him, protect him, if even just a simple touch to his hand was enough to set him off, she can't risk what doing that will do to him.
But she wants to be able to do what she can - to protect him, she'll go to any lengths.]
Kaoru..! [He'd called out for her before; she calls back to him now.] I'm here... You're going to be okay..! I promise, you'll be okay..!
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These horrible, rotten things have been with him all along, he knows - he knows that almost immediately, because of how easily they come to him. He's struck by the fear that maybe he's been an equally rotten person all along, harboring this sort of decay. Maybe he deserves this. A word echoes in the back of his mind - worthless - and it draws up a raw, short and frightful scream, sucking the strength from his legs.
He teeters at the porch edge before collapsing, immediately retching over the side. It's impossible for him to even register where he is right now and Chizuru's words are little more than a distant buzz, drowned out by the harsh pulse of blood at his eardrums.
Still he searches, coughing once his mostly empty stomach has been emptied fully. Curling up doesn't help to alleviate anything, but he does anyway, wiping feebly at his face.]
Chizuru... Chizuru, where— Where are you...?
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[The answer is immediate and it comes from the doorframe leading out to the porch, where Chizuru is hovering, unsure if she should get closer or if she should just stay where she is and answer when he calls.]
Um—
[But he's thrown up, he probably feels wretched, and the taste of bile that's surely in his mouth can't be at all pleasant. She doesn't know how to take away the pain he's feeling, but she thinks she can do something about that, at least.]
I'll be right back... hold on, okay?
[She vanishes back into the house.
...but only for a few seconds, because she's moving as quickly as she can to get a cup of water for him to drink and a cool cloth to wash his face, and then she's by his side, crouching down next to him and holding them out because it's all she can think of to do.]
Here... it might help...
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When she offers the glass to him, he looks at it with confusion beneath the panic and the harsh upset. A glass, a glass - water. Right, he needs to drink it. He reaches out, hand still shaking, to take it. Even if it isn't filled very high, he'll likely still manage to spill some trying to get a sip, because his motor control is severely limited for the time being and he honestly can't even tell if his hand is getting anywhere near his mouth.
He'll succeed eventually though, making a soft noise as the foul taste is washed away and his throat is soothed. He doesn't reach up for the washcloth just yet - doesn't see a point in it. He's supposed to use it to clean his face, but the tears haven't stopped yet.]
Why... did that happen—? I can't see, I can't see anything...
[Even his voice seems heavily afflicted by tremors, rising and falling gracelessly. He can see - it's not like he's literally blind, but he's having so much difficulty putting himself back into his own body in the right order.]
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[They did something. The producers have to have done something, because if this had all gone right, if their hands are totally clean and they lived up to their promises, Kaoru shouldn't have any kind of trauma in his life that would give rise to this (except for the death of their family, but even that should be buried more deeply than sharing a meal could affect him like this).]
But it's... you aren't alone. [He must be terrified. He's feeling unwell and having trouble feeling and seeing and thinking - he must be absolutely terrified. She wants to reach out and hold him, to rub circles into his back, to smooth down his hair and whisper words of comfort to him and banish away anything that might hurt him, but she doesn't know if that's within her power anymore.
After a moment, though, she brings her hand to gently touch the side of his face. If he doesn't react too terribly to that, she'll try and wipe his tears away, even as they keep coming.]
I'm here. ...I'm so sorry. I'm here. You're going to be okay... just focus on the sound of my voice. Don't think about anything else.
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Her words, though... He can't focus on her voice even though he knows he should. Something about it is still deeply upsetting to him, like it shouldn't be here, or maybe that he shouldn't be listening to it. The place and time is all wrong. This entire scenario is wrong; that feeling settles deeply in him, impossible to shake even as his thoughts gather just a little.
Eventually, he sets the glass down and raises his shaky hand to touch the back of Chizuru's. His fingertips are wet with condensation from the outside of the glass and from water that had spilled in his tremors. There isn't much strength behind it, either intentionally delicate or because he simply doesn't have a lot in him right now.]
You— aren't worthless...
[The need to say that bubbles up before he can stop it, and he instinctively knows why. It's a word that haunts him, and that part of himself that's slowly starting to come to understands that it's a word Chizuru's surely heard throughout her lifetime. The context is different - why? Because Kaoru had been worthless for a different reason. Biological incompatibility.
But he knows they'll have found a reason to apply the same word to Chizuru.]
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...it isn't a burden at all, though. Not to her. If it's burdening anyone, it's burdening him - this sudden rush of feeling that the world is coming apart, that nothing is fitting together the way it should, is something that he shouldn't have had to deal with up until now and the only reason he's experiencing it now is probably because of her. She needs to apologize to him -
She can't even protect the one person she wants to protect most -
He chokes out those three words, and Chizuru is left stunned.]
...neither... are you.
[He's not wrong, to assume they've found a way to ingrain that into her. On some level she thinks that they're right (she would believe it fully if this was the only life she ever knew, if she hadn't gone back and chosen this to spare him from it), but it's buried deep down - insidious, waiting for the moment where her guard is down so it can sweep over her. Most of the time she can hold it at bay.
She's not doing so good at that now, though.]
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But that's wrong. This is not the life that he was meant to live. The tranquility of it isn't suited for him, like he's living on time borrowed from a stranger. Except it hasn't been borrowed from a stranger at all, has it?
His eyes raise to Chizuru's face, searching it. There is something direly important about this person. It's difficult for him to grasp at the train of thought when so many are at odds in his mind; his fingers press against her hand a little more.]
Kindness— That kindness... ["Neither are you", even though he's dimly aware of the fact that Chizuru is suffering alongside him. More, likely - what kind of bitterness has she experienced in this lifetime? How much strength does it take for her to be able to wipe his tears away like this? To sit with him in this awful situation?] You... were always a gentle person.
[A statement, not a question.]
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What he'll find is almost a mirror of his own face as it was in the past. That, more than anything else, is what's prevalent here - years and years living with the Nagumo, and before that, the months in that terrible castle, the subtle altering of her mind to the point that she was willing to trade a total of three lives (her victims and the person she'd scapegoated) so that he would have a chance to live out his life in peace.
But that's not what happened here after all, and it's not a kindness, and she can't help but shake her head when he makes his observation.]
No.
[That's all she can say. No. A kind person would have found a way to save him without sacrificing others; a gentle person wouldn't have done the things that she has.
And if she really wanted him to live in peace, she would have stayed far, far away from him.
She really isn't a good sister to Kaoru at all.]
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...That isn't quite right. It isn't wrong, either - there's a fierce underlying sense of devotion and dedication when he thinks of Chizuru as his little sister. But the sentiment is not so pure, and his subconscious mind makes that known quickly. There is something wrong with his intentions, and his face screws up in an expression that mimics someone in pain. It's not physical pain he's in, though - not really. It's still hard for him to breathe, but even that's secondary in comparison to this unpleasant sweep of long-buried thoughts and sentiments.
Again, he shakes his head. He reaches up with his other hand, grasping desperately, latching on to her sleeve like he's afraid she'll pull away and leave him if he doesn't keep her anchored.]
You are, you are, you are, you are—! Why...? No— You did so much— [She has always been kind to him, hasn't she? Even when... For some reason - why, why hadn't he ever reciprocated? What had stopped him?] Because— you're my cute little sister...
[The words sit like lead on his tongue. It's meant as an endearment, but he knows at the same time that it's far, far from that.]
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[It's true, it's true, she's his sister - and she wants him to know it as much as she doesn't. He's safer if he doesn't, would probably be happier if she just stayed away, but she's felt so wretched and been so lonely for so long that she wants him to understand. And the twisted, bitter part of her knows that he will because he's lived the life she has already.
But no, that's wrong, she's supposed to protect him. Can she stop the rest of his memories from coming if she denies it? But she doesn't want to deny it—
He's her brother, he's her brother, they should have just stayed together all along...]
I love you... [It comes out small and broken-sounding.] I wanted— To protect you. I want to protect you.
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He... has never been a good brother to her, has he? Not in this life, not in that distant-but-coming-closer life that he had been forced to leave behind. In that one... why had he hated her so much? He can't remember the reason yet, but he can recall the sentiment, bitter and heavy and sharp. It fills him like a heavy sludge, though his mind is at least able to discern that these aren't his emotions. Or... they are - they are, but not. They're the ones that he left behind with that terrible life.]
I love you... I missed you...! [And now that he's said it, the loneliness seems to sweep over him like such a strong tidal wave that he really can't breathe for a second. He's drowning in just how alone he's been. Years and years and years.
Ah... That's why he had been angry, isn't it? Because Chizuru had forgotten him in the same way that he had forgotten Chizuru in this life. His grip becomes more desperate, knuckles white, eyes wide and panicked.]
I'm— I'm sorry- I never meant— [It's still impossible for him to thread together a proper sentence though, and he breaks off with an unpleasant cough.]
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She knows she feels like she's about to cry.]
Shh. Shhh.
[She doesn't want or need his apologies. She chose this - she chose it, and that's the only thing that's kept her from becoming so twisted over the years that she might lash out at him now. She's much more like the way he was in their first life than the way she was, but she isn't so far gone that she can derive happiness from his pain.
...but she can't foster her own happiness without him being there, either.]
You don't need to apologize to me... I don't want to hear that...!
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I— I hadn't even realized... I couldn't remember... I still— I can't remember...
[There are a lot of things that he can't remember - gaps in his memories that stand out hauntingly. ...But they're filling in. He hopes that they'll fill in the rest of the way, because he really doesn't think he can continue living if he's left like this, caught halfway between the person that he was meant to be and this new and suddenly foreign self that he still can't pinpoint coming into existence.]
I only wanted... No— I wanted... What had I wanted—?
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He's going to remember at some point - Chizuru can see now that it's inevitable. And she's terrified, of what he'll say and do and feel once he remembers. She has to stay close. It's the only thing she can do - she has to stay close. Her hold on him tightens even though he isn't giving her any room to back off, because as desperately as he's thinking Please don't go, she's thinking Please don't push me away.]
It's— [It's not okay. It's not going to be fine.] You aren't alone... I'm here, okay? Whatever you remember... whatever it is you wanted...
[She buries her face in his shoulder.]
I'm here. We're together...
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