recountal | reunion;;

reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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...I wouldn't say "kind".

[She presses her lips together into a thin line and her grip on her teacup tightens just the slightest bit. Kind - maybe in the past, yes, but so little of her kindness is genuine now. Kaoru is really the only one she's been able to manage even the slightest bit of sincerity for; the rest of it is fabricated.

But she can't say that to him, can she? ...she doesn't want him to think badly of her. She can't lie to him either, though.]

A kind person... would probably be able to forgive my husband and his family, instead of seeking out a medicine that will keep them from attaining everything they ever wanted from me. The sort of spite that fueled my coming here... that isn't kind at all.

...I just don't want to let them win.

[hearing that— even though he had been trying to keep himself from slipping back into that strange place, hearing that gets under his skin like a tanning knife. she had been nothing but kind to him so far, and he doesn't know her well enough to believe that she might act any different around anyone else, so he can only interpret this in one way:

a kind person has been taught to believe that they aren't kind by a group of people that show true unkindness. he pulls his lower lip in with his teeth briefly, one finger gently running around the rim of his tea cup.]

...It doesn't seem to me like a lack of forgiveness in this case means that you aren't kind. Not wanting to give people like that what they want... That doesn't seem like anything unkind, either. It's only natural, isn't it? Not wanting to forgive those who force you into a corner? Not wanting to cave to cruel demands? Looking for a way out? [the more he talks, the softer his voice becomes, but it's a strange sort of softness - hollow and increasingly brittle.] So to say "that isn't kind", and to think that you come here out of spite... It isn't a good way of looking at things, is it? Because you aren't the one at fault here. Don't you think that you should be looking at them rather than at yourself in this situation? You're only doing what you can do, right? They were the ones who created the action that has brought about this reaction. It isn't kindness or unkindness; it's just what follows naturally. This is what they get.

[while he had been looking at his tea, his gaze rises at that, and his eyes lock onto Chizuru's with a bizarre intensity.]

And I think that those sort of people deserve what they get. Don't you?

[and then the gentle tapping noise of the metal lid starts to sound off from the fire, indicating that the food inside is coming to proper temperature, and the intensity dissolves instantly. Kaoru blinks once, glancing over his shoulder toward the kitchen. nothing in his expression is indicative of the strangeness that came and went so quickly.]

Ah, I think that they might be done now. I'll go check.

[pushing himself up from the table, he stands and starts to mosey off.]

[Coming here was a mistake.

The more Kaoru speaks, the more his voice changes, the more convinced of this Chizuru becomes. She is too closely tied to the sort of person he used to be; her circumstances now are too similar to what he once lived through. She desperately wants to believe that those damned producers wouldn't have left any of his old memories intact in any way, shape, or form, but - they left hers intact, didn't they? She had thought that it was only because she had to remember to be able to make sure the switch went smoothly in childhood, but -

He sounds more and more like his old self, so much like the person who had suffered, and it absolutely terrifies her. By the time he meets her eyes, she is extremely pale and shaking like a leaf. It's all she can do to keep her grip on her teacup intact.]

That's—

[What has she done? What has she done to him? If she'd just kept her distance, could he have gone on living his peaceful life..? But she was selfish, and she should have just contented herself with watching him when she came here, she shouldn't have involved herself with him the way he has, now look at him -

Torn between his past self and his current self and changing in the blink of an eye. He doesn't even seem aware of it, and she sets her teacup down as he rises to his feet because her hands are shaking so much that she's sloshed some of it out already.]

Yes, go - go check...

[He has to go. He has to be out of her presence before she does something else to damage him without realizing what it's going to do before it's too late. She squeezes her eyes shut and brings both her hands up to fist into her hair, holding onto the strands tightly and shaking her head in a futile effort at clearing her thoughts. It doesn't work - they're filled with him and all the awful things she knows he must have gone through, now, and she is terrified that he's going to remember them, remember the pain—]

Kaoru.

[It's a broken-sounding whisper, barely audible, and she doesn't seem to realize she's spoken it aloud, because she's repeating his name over and over in her head -

Kaoru, Kaoru, Kaoru.

What can she do to help him now? How can she make this better?

...she's as twisted as he was, once. What if she ends up lashing out and directly hurting him? Just the thought makes her stomach churn and she slumps over, her hands still in her hair, her breathing choppy and uneven as she tries and fails to calm down before he comes back from checking on their food.]

[sure enough, the dishes had already cooked through, leaving behind delicious-looking savory egg custards that he quite frankly can't wait to eat. with the distraction of the ticking metal gone, he's back to feeling that deep irritation (could it be called irritation?) at Chizuru's situation, but she had seemed vaguely... discomforted? disturbed?

he hadn't been paying much attention, and her expression is fuzzy in his memory even though it had only just happened.

but either way, he's sure that they'll both feel better once they've had something to eat. something so homey and warm and tasty on top of that, too... he stacks the ramekins onto a tray, the curve of a gentle smile on his face as he works. it's with the thought of a filling meal and being able to comfort his guest that he picks the tray up and walks back into the dining area.]

Do you want anything on—

[and then he looks up and actually sees Chizuru and the state that she's currently in. he doesn't know what's happening, but it's enough to leave him feeling chilled. is it some sort of- attack? an asthma attack? a panic attack? he feels panicked in response, even as a trained doctor's assistant. something about seeing her slumped and having difficulty breathing strikes more fear into him than anything he's been afraid of in a long, long time.

quickly, he sets the tray down on the nearest flat surface. it's precariously perched, but it will have to do for the time being. with that finished, he rushes to her side, legs folding beneath him as he nearly collapses to the floor beside her.

there is a moment in his panic where he forgets his medical training, reaching out to touch her back automatically. he knows that he should be giving her room in case she's having a seizure or something similar, but he can't help the pressing urge to just be near her when she's so obviously suffering.

...it won't do her any good on a medical level, though, so he pulls his hands away soon after. they flutter nervously in the air near her, uncertain and frenetic, wanting to comfort and soothe but also wanting to give her space that she may desperately need.]

Chizuru—? Chizuru, what's wrong?! Can you talk?

[he's leaning over as he speaks, trying to get a better look at her face.]

[She wants to lean into his touch, but he has already pulled his hands away before she can even process that he's there. She can barely hear him - he's so close but he feels so far away; his voice isn't quiet, but there's a pounding in her head and in her ears that drowns out everything around her. It's been years since she's been in such an intense panic as this, and she finds that having suppressed it for so long, she's at a loss for how to manage it.]

Sorry— [The words come out choked, strangled. She gasps for breath and tightens her hold on her hair, wincing.] Sorry, sorry, sorry..!

[The apology is all she can manage when she's in this state; nearly a decade of life with the Nagumo clan has done that to her. This panic is inextricably linked to apologizing for being too willful, for not being obedient, for failing to do what they've asked of her. It's the sheer, relentless panic of a child who has been told that they, at their core, are wrong, that they're worthless. It's the panic of someone who is clutching so tightly to a single hope, hiding it away and praying desperately that it won't be found and torn away from her.

She turns her head away when he leans in to try and get a closer look at her and keeps her head bowed, unwilling to raise it to look at him.]

I didn't mean to... [She's babbling; she can barely hear her own voice. It's just as dull to her as Kaoru's was.] Please forgive me, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..!

[I never meant to hurt you, I should have stayed away, what have I done to you, I should go right now but I don't want to, I'm going to keep being selfish, I'm going to keep on hurting you, why am I doing this...?!]

I'm sorry. [A deep, shuddering breath, and she shakes her head once more.] Really, I - I'm sorry...

[The roaring in her ears quiets, and she becomes more aware of the tatami mats under her legs, of the table she's half slumped over, of the too-strong grip she has on her hair. She loosens her fingers, but only a little.]

—this will pass. [She can breathe again. Slowly, shakily, but she's breathing rather than gasping.] It always passes... I'm sorry.

[there is something in this reaction that is, to him, deeply disturbing right down to the core. once again, it's for reasons that can't entirely be pinpointed. if he tries to reach out and grasp one, it slips through his fingers like morning mist, elusive and fuzzy.

but he doesn't have time to ponder over those strange, flitting thoughts that dart like hummingbirds at the back of his mind, quiet but relentless. for now, he has to focus on Chizuru. on the plus side, it doesn't seem to be anything like a seizure. on the downside, though, it does seem to be some form of panic attack or another traumatic reaction. he's dealt with patients who suffer from such things before, and he knows that they can leave a person just as poor health-wise as any physical ailment.

the way that she apologizes has his heart dropping into his stomach, too, because he can imagine too easily where it must come from. being married into an abusive household that only values a person by their ability to bear children - he can imagine that such a life wouldn't be without its mental scars and traumas. there's little that he can do for it, though.

in the end, he only raises his hand again, gently placing it at the top of her back between her shoulder blades. he gently runs his palm in small, soft circles, trying to give her something to center her attention on in the hopes that it will help her to ground herself, even if it's only a little. he murmurs things softly, nonsensical words and "it's all right, it'll be fine" over and over just to give her a soothing noise to listen to. he can only hope that it does some good. when her breathing slows and she apologizes one final time, he shakes his head.]

You don't need to apologize to me. You don't ever need to apologize to me, all right? [as far as he can see, there's nothing that she has done or could do which would require such a rush of sorries.]

Just focus on your breathing. Count to ten and keep counting to ten until you feel a little more centered. You'll be fine - you're all right. I'm right here, okay? I'm right here.

[somewhat hesitantly, the hand that isn't on her back reaches out for her own.]

[One. Kaoru's hand on her back, soft and gentle. Two. His hand reaching for hers, his finger tips brushing against hers. Three. Her own fingers shifting so that she can take his hand. Four. Their fingers laced together, holding tightly so he can't let go. Five. His presence, warm and comforting. He's here. Six. Kaoru is safe. The only danger will from lingering here too long, and she won't allow that to happen. Seven. She'll return to the Nagumo and keep him a secret, hidden away so they'll never, ever be able to hurt him. Eight. Nothing will ever hurt him again. Not even her.

Nine.

"It's all right."

Ten.

"It'll be fine."

She raises her head, then. Her trembling has started to cease as she's calmed down; her breathing has stayed even. She's even managed to keep tears from welling up in her eyes again. Her hold on his hand loosens, but only so that she can reach for his upper arm and pull herself closer to him - she wants to embrace him, to hold tight to him and take comfort and give comfort, because she knows watching someone else in pain can be just as bad as being in pain yourself; she never wanted to worry him.]

Thank you...

[She's doing better, but her voice is still a whisper.]

Thank you for being here. I'm... I'm okay now. ...thank you.

[Kaoru moves instinctively, which is strange, because - and he has to continue reminding himself of this - she is a stranger. a woman who he shares an uncanny resemblance with, but someone that he hadn't met at all until she came to Kodo's clinic for a terrible, terrible reason.

but logic doesn't prevent him from immediately folding her into his arms when she pulls herself close, and there's something warm and sad and nostalgic about the way that it feels so much like home to comfort her. the soft hummingbird-buzz in his mind seems to increase a little, but he doesn't care, because he is needed right now and he'll be damned if he can't provide to the best of his abilities. so he holds her close, resting his temple against hers, and one hand rises to gently smooth down her hair.

there is a part of him that reels at being thanked.]

It's fine. Just take your time - take all the time that you need.

[She wants to stay here in his arms forever, but she can't, and she knows that - if she takes all the time she needs, that's what would happen. She would never leave, because what she needs after having lived with the Nagumo is to see her brother constantly, to see him safe, happy -

Maybe it's not enough that he's doing well on his own. Maybe it will never be enough. Selfishly, what she wants most of all is for him to be happy with her. She saved him, didn't she? ...isn't it only right if they're reunited in the end? She thought she was content to leave him in peace, to live with the Nagumo and watch them die out not by blade but on their own, slowly, because she would never bear them a child and they were too twisted for anyone else to bear one for them. She wanted the downfall of the Nagumo to be a slow and painful process and she wanted to be there for every moment of it.

Now she wants them dead and gone so she can stay with her brother. Her brother. They're each other's family! Kodo isn't his real father, he was never her father, they're all they have left in the world, she doesn't want to leave -

Her heartbeat has quickened again; her breathing is uneven. Slowly, she forces herself to calm down. If she works herself up, that won't help matters at all.]

The food... is going to get cold. [She should pull herself out of his arms, but she can't bring herself to.] ...we should eat... I didn't mean to distract us from that.

[I'm sorry is right there, at the tip of her tongue, but he's already told her not to apologize.]

[likewise, he doesn't pull away just yet, either. he's taking his cues from Chizuru right now, and if she doesn't feel comfortable leaving and trying to reestablish some normalcy just yet, then he won't force her to do it.

instead, he'll just offer as much comfort as he can, unaware of the unfairness of this situation in Chizuru's eyes. how can he know if she won't tell him, though? his memories of that time long-passed are all but gone, little more than a heat mirage dancing over the surface of this new life that he's been given by a sister that he can't even remember.]

Are you ready to eat? It can wait until then.

[his voice is soft, even, steady. he is doing his very best to be a pillar of support in every sense of the word, trying to give her that stability that she's let slip in the past few minutes.

if the food cools, that's fine. if the tea is spilt and forgotten, it's okay. his priority right now is to make sure that Chizuru can return to some semblance of normalcy without it being forced.]

I'm ready.

[...she says that, but she still makes no move to leave his arms. She can't lie as well when she's coming down from having lost her control, and it's obvious that those two words are false. It would even have been obvious to her, back in the days when she was so gullible that she had been willing to take the word of someone who had obviously meant her harm.

It isn't until another couple of minutes (~~three minutes~~) have passed that she finally does loosen her hold on him and finally does pull herself out of his hold. She doesn't really like leaving his arms, but she knows it's necessary. They're "strangers," after all - she can't really stay locked in a stranger's embrace for so long.]

...I'm ready now. [She manages a smile, and this time, it's much less obvious that she's forcing it.] Thank you.

[it's so false that he doesn't even bother pulling away to look her in the eye, especially when she doesn't pull away at first, either. he'll continue to hold her until she does pull away, at which point he lets his arms fall back to his sides gently, reaching out one last time to pat the top of her head. the gesture, for some reason, just seems right.]

You don't need to thank me. [he smiles back, and his isn't forced, but it is a little thin-looking. there are a lot of things about what just happened that don't sit well with him, try as he might to gloss over it all. he doesn't want discrepancies to start stacking up.

either way, with that as a go-ahead, he pushes himself up from the floor and goes over to fetch the tray, which has miraculously not fallen to the ground yet despite its placement. he'll carry it back over to the table and arrange it before them both, with Chizuru's on her side.]

Ah— One more thing. [and away he goes into the kitchen to get some of their peaches, which he washes up quickly and sets in a bowl. that, too, is placed between them. he pauses for a second.]

Is it all right if I sit next to you for this meal? [rather than across the table, where he won't be able to reach her as quickly if she has another attack.]

...that's all right.

[She doesn't think she'll have another attack - when they come, they're intense, but when they go... they stay gone for a long while, until all her bitterness and resentment and fear and rage build up and explode again and she's lost to the intensity of it all. Maybe it would be healthier for her to express them more steadily, to not let any of those feelings build up at all -

But that's not something the Nagumo clan would accept. It's just a side effect of the role she has to play while in their company. The perfect wife, demure and willing to do as they say, never once complaining.

She hates herself, sometimes - hates Nagumo Chizuru, the person she pretends to be in order to survive.

Her gaze wanders down to the odamaki-mushi and the peaches, and she can't help but smile. Kaoru is thoughtful - she wants to focus on the kindness she can experience here with him, and not the horror she'll experience when she goes back.]

It will make the food taste even better... I think.

Thank you.

[it's spoken softly, and maybe it's a little strange for him to be grateful that she's letting him sit by her side, but here he is. he tucks his legs beneath himself after taking a seat beside her, pulling his own ramekin from the tray along with one of the spoons that had been set out.

he also reaches for one of the peaches and a knife so that he can peel it before beginning his meal, working surprisingly quickly.]

...I'm grateful to have you here, sharing this meal with me. [the strip of peach skin grows longer as he talks, expertly peeling in a spiral without once breaking the loop.] I know that this might sound a little strange, but... I like your company. It can get so quiet here sometimes that I think I'd forget how to talk normally with people if we didn't have our clients. But— I've had a lot of fun, being able to talk with you. I'm sorry that I can't do more for you.

[he drops the peach skin back into the bowl, slicing the fruit in two and twisting both sides to separate it from its pit. one half is held out toward Chizuru.]

I hope that you'll have another meal with me when this one is finished.

[She doesn't understand why he's thanking her. Sitting at her side isn't such a great thing as to be thanked for, is it..? If anyone should be thanking anyone else in this room, she should be thanking him.

...but he goes on to explain, and oh, she gets it. The time before she had set out to find her father was so lonely. She'd been with him through childhood, and had been with the Shinsengumi after going to Kyoto - but that period of time in Edo while he was gone, without him... even when she had lived here in her first life, she didn't have many close friends. Of course Kaoru has been lonely.

If he doesn't go to Kyoto the way she did, will he continue to be lonely? But if he gets involved with the Shinsengumi, he'll be in so much danger...

She takes the peach half that he offers, but doesn't eat it just yet.]

I'm very glad you like my company... I've enjoyed yours. I've enjoyed it so much. [More than she has the words to say. Even the words she has are a little much for a stranger to be saying, anyway.] If you enjoy being able to talk with me, you can talk with me whenever you want, while I'm here.

You have nothing to apologize for... you're doing me a big favor.

[Not many doctors would agree to helping a young girl poison herself into not having children! GO KAORU.]

...I was actually hoping the same thing. I'd like it if - while I'm here... if we could share all our meals together. [She looks down at the peach in her hands and smiles.] ...I'd like that a lot.

Edited (shift key no) 2014-09-19 22:17 (UTC)

[even if those words are a little much for a stranger, Kaoru seems pleased to hear them. it makes him feel a little less out in the open, a little less one-sided. he had been briefly afraid that the sentiment wouldn't be returned - that maybe in his loneliness, he had just bonded a little too quickly with a poor girl who only wanted a medical procedure done. but this puts those concerns to rest, and the smile on his face grows a little.]

Thank you. The same goes for you, too, of course. Any time that I'm here, please talk to me as much as you'd like.

[because he would like it, too. having someone to converse with is nice, but having Chizuru to converse with is...

well, just another one of those things that he can't describe. so he will continue being a totally sketchy doctor who helps young girls poison themselves into not having children if it means that she'll be happy, and maybe they'll be able to take a lot more meals together before she has to go again.]

...I'm a little sad that you'll be leaving so soon. [which is definitely a little much for a stranger to be saying, but he's apparently decided to throw caution to the wind, at least partially.] So I'll enjoy the meals that we share. I'll enjoy them a lot.

[a smile, and he "toasts" his peach half in her direction before biting down into it.]

[he stills, then, but just for a second - it's barely noticeable.

it's the first peach that he's had in a long time, and the sweetness on his tongue is very, very familiar. oppressively so. the first pop of sugar lingers unpleasantly and the chunk of fruit flesh almost burns like acid where it sits in his mouth, lead-like.

while the taste of peaches usually brings soft things to mind - harvesting them with Kodo— with his father, or sharing them with the neighbor kids, or washing them in basins of cool water to enjoy later when the sun sets and the night cools off and the fireflies start to travel - things are different this time.

in his mind's eye, he sees someone reaching, reaching, trying to grasp a peach so large that it doesn't seem like those small hands would be able to carry it. a tree overhead is filled with so much fruit that he thinks it could feed them all for the entire summer season, but that would make them all sick, someone says in a voice that isn't his own. he can feel the soft fuzz of peach skin against his lips. his name is called, soft and melodic and so nostalgic that he feels acutely sick to his stomach. sun warms his back. a strange smell is in the air - someone else is calling him. sunlight shines too brightly. he can't recapture the warmth from before. the peach in his mouth tastes bitter.

setting his empty hand against the table, he chokes on the juice that had settled under his tongue from that first bite, still unswallowed.]

[Barely noticeable, but noticeable enough; Chizuru watches Kaoru carefully, after all, even when she doesn't seem to be. She just can't get enough of seeing the person that her brother has grown into - of seeing him go about routines that don't involve pandering to the whims of the Nagumo, tailoring his every move and gesture, always walking on eggshells to ensure something terrible won't happen to him.

So of course she notices when he stills, because that is something at odds with eating a peach. Snacks that he enjoys (and she knows he enjoys them) shouldn't do that to him. She is tense and alert, and when he chokes, she leans over to put a hand on his back, her voice low and urgent and worried.]

Kaoru—? What's wrong?

[Was there something bad in the peach? Is he ill? ...or is this something like not too long before, when he'd spoken words so much more in line with the person he used to be? Is this some residual influence of his past life, of his life in the castle...?]

[the question is met with a shake of his head, and he forces himself to choke down the peach in his mouth before setting what's left of his half off to the side.]

It's— just a little sour, that's all. I must have picked ones that weren't fully ripened yet... I'm sorry for worrying you.

[if she tries her half, though, she'll find that it's actually incredibly sweet - as a peach of that size during this time of the year naturally would be. he doesn't seem inclined to pick it back up again, though, and there's a bit of a distracted air to the way he speaks and holds himself. it's clear that he's trying to shake whatever bizarreness that had been away, well away, and he shifts to pick up his spoon instead.

if nothing else, he's sure that the warmth and good taste of one of his favorite comfort foods will help. he's pleased to see steam release when he sinks the spoon into the custard, glad that it hasn't cooled off too much.]

[She isn't sure that's all it is. She wants to say so, but she also doesn't want Kaoru to think that she's doubting him, so she just files it away for future reference and makes a mental note to keep an eye on him for anything else that might seem odd.

...if the producers have done something, can she really justify leaving him in a week? If whatever it is strikes him while she's gone—

No, she doesn't want him to have to face anything unpleasant alone. That had been the whole point of all of this - to spare him from unpleasantries, to put him in a position where he would have a loving family and friends so he wouldn't ever have to be alone if something unpleasant did happen.

So what can she do?

...she looks more than a little anxious as she watches him sink his spoon into the custard. Her own peach half and her own serving of odamaki-mushi go untouched, for the moment.]

[unlike the peach, Kaoru takes his first bite of odamaki-mushi and it seems as though nothing is wrong with it at all. he savors the rich and familiar flavor of the eggy broth beneath the custard, humming in a content sort of way. there's the barest of that same buzz in the back of his mind from before, but it's easy to ignore for the time being, soft in the face of nostalgia.

he can't really recall it clearly, but it tastes so homey and comforting that he wonders how he managed to go so long without it.]

This turned out really well... [he sounds quite pleased with that, too, considering this is their joint cooking effort! and they did good!! he glances over to the side to see if Chizuru likes hers just as much, except...

well, she sure isn't eating anything. this has his brow furrowing upward a little in an expression of concern, and he lowers his spoon, already half-way toward scooping up one of the quail eggs.]

Are you all right?

[She hadn't expected Kaoru to notice how carefully she was watching him (even though the staring was blatantly obvious), and so she's a little caught by surprise by his question. She blinks twice and looks down before scooping up some of her custard, and takes a bite.]

Mm, I'm fine. It tastes good...

[It's a poor attempt at covering up her uneasiness, but her smile - not quite as genuine as any of the smiles she had offered him or the past version of him, much more along the lines of the smiles she'd perfected in the care of the Nagumo - comes easily.]

This isn't a bad recipe at all, don't you think?

[The version of himself that had been put to rest would have been able to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with that smile of hers the second it appeared, but this Kaoru can only stare for a second, feeling vaguely ill at ease. Nothing about it seems off to him - and why would it? He's never had the need for false kindness or to force his own smiles. But that's... nostalgic. Nostalgic in a bad way, and his gaze drops after a second to his bowl again.]

It isn't bad at all. I don't know why I haven't made it more often. [...Where did the recipe even come from, anyway? Isn't that a little strange...? He thought he remembered getting it from a childhood friend, but he can't actually recall at all. His palms suddenly feel a little clammy because he knows - he just knows that if he were to go looking through the small collection of recipes he's written down, he won't find this one among them. Even though he can recall the ingredients so clearly, and knows exactly how to prep them...

He takes a quiet breath in to calm himself, and though his own smile comes surprisingly easy, his hand trembles just a little as it finishes its arch and scoops up more custard and the small egg.]

It's warm, right?

[The dish itself, of course, but more than that - something about it is... really, really warm. And that, for some reason, makes his heart ache. His smile falters.]

...Nostalgic.

[Is he crying?? HE SURE IS CRYING. Or, at the very least, tears have beaded at the corners of his eyes. He doesn't yet seem aware of it, staring down at the spoon but seeming to look through it.]

[She doesn't answer his question.

The food is warm, but she's watching him carefully, and that trembling of his hand makes her worry. The way his smile falters makes her heart clench uncomfortably, and when tears begin to form in the corner of his eyes, she starts to reach up to thumb them away -

But then she pauses.

For one thing, she's a "stranger" - how will he even take a stranger trying to wipe his tears? This Kaoru has accepted her into his life so easily, but then, he doesn't really have a reason not to. If he has been living the life she lived before Kyoto, he doesn't have much of a reason to be wary, does he? If he's repressed his memories and been raised by a kind, loving man...

But that's the second thing. Why is he crying at all? ...why would it be so nostalgic, unless her presence here has done something to dredge up old memories? Maybe this was a mistake after all. Maybe she's no good for him.]

...Kaoru? [Her voice is low and urgent, and her brows furrow in concern; she wants to reach out to him, but she can't bring herself to do it, and her hands hover somewhat awkwardly in the space between them.] What's wrong..?

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