recountal | reunion;;

reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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[a decisive nod! good job, Chizuru, going with the conversational flow. Kaoru already seems to have put the story behind him, drying off the washed vegetables and setting them on the cutting board to dice.]

Two large bowls, then. I'm definitely hungry enough to eat that much. [he hadn't even realized he was so hungry, but maybe walking to and from the market had been enough to push him over.]

Ah— Do you mind cracking the eggs? I'll boil the ones for garnishes. [the teeny tiny garnish quail eggs, that is.]

I don't mind at all.

[He can deal with the weird ittybitty egs; she'll just crack the normal-sized ones. It's simple enough to do and Chizuru falls into the motions with the practiced ease of someone who is used to losing herself in a task in order to block out the world around her.

Not that she really wants to block Kaoru out, but she's still a little ill at ease from the earlier conversation and she's retreating back into her shell, so to speak. She needs to calm herself down and get a better grip on her feelings because if she lashes out in the same way she did at just the mention of Kaoru possibly going to Tosa, she's going to hurt him. And she doesn't want that...

When she finishes with the eggs, she moves on to start preparing the udon noodles, quick and efficient. Soon they'll be eating this..! Soon...]

[at least he doesn't seem to be the sort of person who engages in much small talk while working. he boils the ittybitty eggs quietly and quickly, setting them off to the side to add on top once the rest of the ingredients have been poured. once the udon is prepared, though, he'll speak up again.]

I think we should probably double the cooking time for these ones, but that still isn't very long. [the smile he offers is warm again, like the ones that he had been wearing before Tosa had been mentioned.]

If you want to dish out the noodles, I can handle the eggs. What kind of vegetables do you want in yours?

[he's already diced them all, complete with cutting the carrot quarters into cute little flower shapes.]

[Kaoru's voice pulls her out of her thoughts, and when she turns to look at him and offer him a smile in return, her smile is also warm - though there is still some measure of distance in her eyes. The smile, at least, looks genuine.]

Doubling the cooking time would be a good idea...

[And that's still a short amount of time, so it's alright! She looks down at the vegetables he has diced and... doesn't find even one that she doesn't feel like eating. Good veggie choices, friend...!]

I'd like all of them. —Oh, the carrots are very cute!

[She sort of wants extra carrots...]

[if he notices that distance - and he'd have to have very keen eyes for it, since he only glances up briefly after his attention returns to the little dishes - he doesn't say anything.]

All right. [in regard to both. he might feel a little surge of pride at having picked all good vegetables...! even if all he did was pick the ones that he likes the most. it just happened to be an obviously good strategy in this particular case.

either way, he starts to dish things out, filling the ramekins and making sure that the vegetables are evenly divided. while he's settling the quail eggs on top, though, he decides to be a psychic and ask:]

Would you like extra carrots?

Yes, please!

[She doesn't mind him being able to tell what she's thinking in this case, at least. It means she gets cute little flower-shaped carrots, and that is perfectly fine with her.]

Um - is there anything you want extra of...? [If he wants extra noodles she can certainly arrange for that but HE HAS ALL THE VEGGIES AND THE QUAIL EGGS... so...] Oh! I should prepare some tea while I have the chance to...

[She's just gonna. Do that. Yeah...]

[KAORU, HOARDER OF THE INGREDIENTS. he artfully arranges the carrots in her bowl so that they're in a little circle around the quail eggs. it's like a garden...]

I'm fine with this, thank you. Ah - and thank you for making the tea, too.

[since that kind of slipped his mind WHOOPS... but he'll get to arranging the dishes in the tray and then set the tray over the fire to heat them up. while setting that up, he calls back over his shoulder.]

Let me know if you need help with anything, all right? I'd rather you feel like a guest here. [rather than like, hired help or something. CHIZURU.]

You're welcome!

[It's fine, she doesn't mind at all. Making tea is sort of her thing! She made the tea that the fate of the Shinsengumi rested on...

...which on second thought is not so good curse you for damning them with your tea, Chizuru. And this is why you're not being played from Hijikata's route anymore.]

And, ah - I'm fine... really. I don't feel like a guest, but... [She looks down, perhaps a little bashfully, and puts one hand over her heart.] ...this place feels like home... like what a real home is supposed to feel like. So everyday things like making tea, or cooking, or going to the market with someone I feel safe with... I really enjoy it.

[there's a part of him that does feel a rush of joy to hear that - perhaps a little disproportionately large, he thinks. he has no idea what Chizuru has done to endear herself to him so quickly, but somehow she has, and being told that his home is like her own brings a smile to his face.

...something in it is a little melancholy too, though. "what a real home is supposed to feel like"... he wonders briefly if she ever had one to call her own, before being married into the Nagumo clan. again, he wishes he could do something about it, though luckily his thoughts aren't swept away in a fervent and sudden desire to wipe them off the map. this time, there's just a vague heaviness in his chest.]

Well... I don't know how feasible it would be for you, but you could consider this place a home, then. [look he's being Chizuru, offering way too much to someone he barely met!!] If you ever feel frightened or lonely, you can come back here.

[and then he stands, dusting his knees off, and glancing over in Chizuru's direction as she flexes her tea making skills.]

Even if you can't take the offer, I hope that you'll at least keep it in mind.

[A vague heaviness is better than murderous intent, since heaviness won't put him in danger, but it pains Chizuru to see even the slightest bit of melancholy in his smile when she looks up. She starts to say something (she's not sure what - something to reassure him, whatever it might take to do that), but he's speaking before she gets the chance to.

She listens quietly, and although part of her worries that he's offering far too much to a stranger - hadn't she been chided for that so many times in the past? What if he makes such an offer to someone malicious? - it does warm her heart to hear that, and when he glances over at her she meets his gaze with a soft smile.]

...I'll remember that. Knowing that a place like this exists, and that you would accept me if I returned... it will give me strength. Thank you, Kaoru.

[She can't, of course, come back here; the Nagumo clan would surely find a way to make Kaoru pay for it, if she ran to him. But just remembering that he considered it an option will help her to keep going.]

[he hopes, even if he doesn't think this will be the case, that she will come back if she ever feels too unsafe in her current home. but just judging by what he's heard from her so far, he thinks that might not be a very strong possibility, as much as he'd like it to be. the smile he offers her is a little thin, but he does seem genuinely grateful for the fact that she's even considering it, or at least keeping it in mind.]

You don't need to thank me. It's the least that I can do.

[and it isn't very much at all in the end, but he'll still keep up his hopes.

his smile becomes a little warmer after that, and he gestures toward the seating area that they had eaten dinner at the night before.]

When the tea is done, will you wait with me?

[She's content to let the subject drop, because while it means so much to her that he's willing to go to such lengths for her - to be willing to let her just move in - she'd rather see that warm smile of his than see the slightly melancholic one that accompanies speaking of their living arrangements. She nods and looks over to that seating area.]

Of course I will.

[And she smiles back. Soon enough the tea is done, and Chizuru will head on over there with the pot and two cups, which she'll lay out and pour so that they can both drink. She slides one cup to Kaoru before picking up her own and bringing it to her lips to blow on it lightly.]

...mm. Enjoying a cup of tea along with a friend is one of life's greatest pleasures. Don't you think?

[that gets a hum of agreement from him, though he hasn't taken a sip of his yet. he simply holds the cup between his hands, letting the heat warm them through.]

It's been a while since I've been able to share tea with anyone, so I'm grateful for the opportunity.

[and for the company in general, because Kaoru does get lonely somewhat easily, even if he can push through it if the situation calls for it. he craves being around others, so the isolation that comes with watching the clinic all by himself can get under his skin sometimes.

finally, he brings the cup to his mouth and blows the steam away, taking a sip.]

—Thank you for brewing this, by the way.

Edited 2014-09-14 09:27 (UTC)

You're welcome.

[Once she's satisfied that her tea is cool enough to drink, she takes a sip as well. The liquid warms her - and she can appreciate that. The person at her side, the house they're both in, neither one of those things makes her feel the chill of dread that hangs over her while she's at the Nagumo estate. Tea there isn't comforting, it isn't warming, it's just something to drink.

Tea here, with Kaoru, is something very good.]

But you really don't need to thank me... you've done so much for me already. It's the least that I can do.

I haven't done much...

[it's partly humble, and partly self-deprecating, though the latter is much more difficult to pick up on. he hasn't even started working on her order, after all, and she's been stuck doing household chores. even if she says she doesn't mind it, he still can't help but feel guilty.

and then there's the overarching problem of her home life, which he really has no business intruding on, but he's just so thoroughly bothered by it that he can't help but take it as a personal failure, being unable to do anything to help. he lapses into silence for a few seconds after that, thoughts temporarily consumed again by those horrible people and the corner they've driven a kind girl into.]

...Um— [no, he can't let himself fall back into that strange mental place again. he shakes his head once, trying to clear it.] Well, whatever I can do to help, I'm glad for it.

Just be yourself, Kaoru.

[Perhaps it's a little odd for her to say it after they've known each other for so short a time, but they've already skipped right on past using honorifics and have practically moved in together. There are a lot of things they've done already that, to an outsider looking in, would seem very strange.

But Chizuru can't help it. Seeing evidence of Kaoru's peaceful life - even if he has become involved with the ochimizu somehow... it brings her peace of mind.]

I think that's what will help most of all.

[it seems to take him by surprise, hearing something like that, and it's not because it's such warm sentiment from a person that he barely knows. the strange closeness that he feels toward her and from her has already made it difficult to look back over their interactions and go "wow, yeah, this is a little much". something else about it, though... he's not sure what or why, but it's surprising.]

It's nice of you to think that. It would be nice if it really did help, too.

[there's a gently teasing lilt to his tone, like he doesn't actually believe that it will help much, but he still finds the verbal gesture endearing. he glances back down at the tea within his cup.]

...You're a very kind person, aren't you?

...I wouldn't say "kind".

[She presses her lips together into a thin line and her grip on her teacup tightens just the slightest bit. Kind - maybe in the past, yes, but so little of her kindness is genuine now. Kaoru is really the only one she's been able to manage even the slightest bit of sincerity for; the rest of it is fabricated.

But she can't say that to him, can she? ...she doesn't want him to think badly of her. She can't lie to him either, though.]

A kind person... would probably be able to forgive my husband and his family, instead of seeking out a medicine that will keep them from attaining everything they ever wanted from me. The sort of spite that fueled my coming here... that isn't kind at all.

...I just don't want to let them win.

[hearing that— even though he had been trying to keep himself from slipping back into that strange place, hearing that gets under his skin like a tanning knife. she had been nothing but kind to him so far, and he doesn't know her well enough to believe that she might act any different around anyone else, so he can only interpret this in one way:

a kind person has been taught to believe that they aren't kind by a group of people that show true unkindness. he pulls his lower lip in with his teeth briefly, one finger gently running around the rim of his tea cup.]

...It doesn't seem to me like a lack of forgiveness in this case means that you aren't kind. Not wanting to give people like that what they want... That doesn't seem like anything unkind, either. It's only natural, isn't it? Not wanting to forgive those who force you into a corner? Not wanting to cave to cruel demands? Looking for a way out? [the more he talks, the softer his voice becomes, but it's a strange sort of softness - hollow and increasingly brittle.] So to say "that isn't kind", and to think that you come here out of spite... It isn't a good way of looking at things, is it? Because you aren't the one at fault here. Don't you think that you should be looking at them rather than at yourself in this situation? You're only doing what you can do, right? They were the ones who created the action that has brought about this reaction. It isn't kindness or unkindness; it's just what follows naturally. This is what they get.

[while he had been looking at his tea, his gaze rises at that, and his eyes lock onto Chizuru's with a bizarre intensity.]

And I think that those sort of people deserve what they get. Don't you?

[and then the gentle tapping noise of the metal lid starts to sound off from the fire, indicating that the food inside is coming to proper temperature, and the intensity dissolves instantly. Kaoru blinks once, glancing over his shoulder toward the kitchen. nothing in his expression is indicative of the strangeness that came and went so quickly.]

Ah, I think that they might be done now. I'll go check.

[pushing himself up from the table, he stands and starts to mosey off.]

[Coming here was a mistake.

The more Kaoru speaks, the more his voice changes, the more convinced of this Chizuru becomes. She is too closely tied to the sort of person he used to be; her circumstances now are too similar to what he once lived through. She desperately wants to believe that those damned producers wouldn't have left any of his old memories intact in any way, shape, or form, but - they left hers intact, didn't they? She had thought that it was only because she had to remember to be able to make sure the switch went smoothly in childhood, but -

He sounds more and more like his old self, so much like the person who had suffered, and it absolutely terrifies her. By the time he meets her eyes, she is extremely pale and shaking like a leaf. It's all she can do to keep her grip on her teacup intact.]

That's—

[What has she done? What has she done to him? If she'd just kept her distance, could he have gone on living his peaceful life..? But she was selfish, and she should have just contented herself with watching him when she came here, she shouldn't have involved herself with him the way he has, now look at him -

Torn between his past self and his current self and changing in the blink of an eye. He doesn't even seem aware of it, and she sets her teacup down as he rises to his feet because her hands are shaking so much that she's sloshed some of it out already.]

Yes, go - go check...

[He has to go. He has to be out of her presence before she does something else to damage him without realizing what it's going to do before it's too late. She squeezes her eyes shut and brings both her hands up to fist into her hair, holding onto the strands tightly and shaking her head in a futile effort at clearing her thoughts. It doesn't work - they're filled with him and all the awful things she knows he must have gone through, now, and she is terrified that he's going to remember them, remember the pain—]

Kaoru.

[It's a broken-sounding whisper, barely audible, and she doesn't seem to realize she's spoken it aloud, because she's repeating his name over and over in her head -

Kaoru, Kaoru, Kaoru.

What can she do to help him now? How can she make this better?

...she's as twisted as he was, once. What if she ends up lashing out and directly hurting him? Just the thought makes her stomach churn and she slumps over, her hands still in her hair, her breathing choppy and uneven as she tries and fails to calm down before he comes back from checking on their food.]

[sure enough, the dishes had already cooked through, leaving behind delicious-looking savory egg custards that he quite frankly can't wait to eat. with the distraction of the ticking metal gone, he's back to feeling that deep irritation (could it be called irritation?) at Chizuru's situation, but she had seemed vaguely... discomforted? disturbed?

he hadn't been paying much attention, and her expression is fuzzy in his memory even though it had only just happened.

but either way, he's sure that they'll both feel better once they've had something to eat. something so homey and warm and tasty on top of that, too... he stacks the ramekins onto a tray, the curve of a gentle smile on his face as he works. it's with the thought of a filling meal and being able to comfort his guest that he picks the tray up and walks back into the dining area.]

Do you want anything on—

[and then he looks up and actually sees Chizuru and the state that she's currently in. he doesn't know what's happening, but it's enough to leave him feeling chilled. is it some sort of- attack? an asthma attack? a panic attack? he feels panicked in response, even as a trained doctor's assistant. something about seeing her slumped and having difficulty breathing strikes more fear into him than anything he's been afraid of in a long, long time.

quickly, he sets the tray down on the nearest flat surface. it's precariously perched, but it will have to do for the time being. with that finished, he rushes to her side, legs folding beneath him as he nearly collapses to the floor beside her.

there is a moment in his panic where he forgets his medical training, reaching out to touch her back automatically. he knows that he should be giving her room in case she's having a seizure or something similar, but he can't help the pressing urge to just be near her when she's so obviously suffering.

...it won't do her any good on a medical level, though, so he pulls his hands away soon after. they flutter nervously in the air near her, uncertain and frenetic, wanting to comfort and soothe but also wanting to give her space that she may desperately need.]

Chizuru—? Chizuru, what's wrong?! Can you talk?

[he's leaning over as he speaks, trying to get a better look at her face.]

[She wants to lean into his touch, but he has already pulled his hands away before she can even process that he's there. She can barely hear him - he's so close but he feels so far away; his voice isn't quiet, but there's a pounding in her head and in her ears that drowns out everything around her. It's been years since she's been in such an intense panic as this, and she finds that having suppressed it for so long, she's at a loss for how to manage it.]

Sorry— [The words come out choked, strangled. She gasps for breath and tightens her hold on her hair, wincing.] Sorry, sorry, sorry..!

[The apology is all she can manage when she's in this state; nearly a decade of life with the Nagumo clan has done that to her. This panic is inextricably linked to apologizing for being too willful, for not being obedient, for failing to do what they've asked of her. It's the sheer, relentless panic of a child who has been told that they, at their core, are wrong, that they're worthless. It's the panic of someone who is clutching so tightly to a single hope, hiding it away and praying desperately that it won't be found and torn away from her.

She turns her head away when he leans in to try and get a closer look at her and keeps her head bowed, unwilling to raise it to look at him.]

I didn't mean to... [She's babbling; she can barely hear her own voice. It's just as dull to her as Kaoru's was.] Please forgive me, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..!

[I never meant to hurt you, I should have stayed away, what have I done to you, I should go right now but I don't want to, I'm going to keep being selfish, I'm going to keep on hurting you, why am I doing this...?!]

I'm sorry. [A deep, shuddering breath, and she shakes her head once more.] Really, I - I'm sorry...

[The roaring in her ears quiets, and she becomes more aware of the tatami mats under her legs, of the table she's half slumped over, of the too-strong grip she has on her hair. She loosens her fingers, but only a little.]

—this will pass. [She can breathe again. Slowly, shakily, but she's breathing rather than gasping.] It always passes... I'm sorry.

[there is something in this reaction that is, to him, deeply disturbing right down to the core. once again, it's for reasons that can't entirely be pinpointed. if he tries to reach out and grasp one, it slips through his fingers like morning mist, elusive and fuzzy.

but he doesn't have time to ponder over those strange, flitting thoughts that dart like hummingbirds at the back of his mind, quiet but relentless. for now, he has to focus on Chizuru. on the plus side, it doesn't seem to be anything like a seizure. on the downside, though, it does seem to be some form of panic attack or another traumatic reaction. he's dealt with patients who suffer from such things before, and he knows that they can leave a person just as poor health-wise as any physical ailment.

the way that she apologizes has his heart dropping into his stomach, too, because he can imagine too easily where it must come from. being married into an abusive household that only values a person by their ability to bear children - he can imagine that such a life wouldn't be without its mental scars and traumas. there's little that he can do for it, though.

in the end, he only raises his hand again, gently placing it at the top of her back between her shoulder blades. he gently runs his palm in small, soft circles, trying to give her something to center her attention on in the hopes that it will help her to ground herself, even if it's only a little. he murmurs things softly, nonsensical words and "it's all right, it'll be fine" over and over just to give her a soothing noise to listen to. he can only hope that it does some good. when her breathing slows and she apologizes one final time, he shakes his head.]

You don't need to apologize to me. You don't ever need to apologize to me, all right? [as far as he can see, there's nothing that she has done or could do which would require such a rush of sorries.]

Just focus on your breathing. Count to ten and keep counting to ten until you feel a little more centered. You'll be fine - you're all right. I'm right here, okay? I'm right here.

[somewhat hesitantly, the hand that isn't on her back reaches out for her own.]

[One. Kaoru's hand on her back, soft and gentle. Two. His hand reaching for hers, his finger tips brushing against hers. Three. Her own fingers shifting so that she can take his hand. Four. Their fingers laced together, holding tightly so he can't let go. Five. His presence, warm and comforting. He's here. Six. Kaoru is safe. The only danger will from lingering here too long, and she won't allow that to happen. Seven. She'll return to the Nagumo and keep him a secret, hidden away so they'll never, ever be able to hurt him. Eight. Nothing will ever hurt him again. Not even her.

Nine.

"It's all right."

Ten.

"It'll be fine."

She raises her head, then. Her trembling has started to cease as she's calmed down; her breathing has stayed even. She's even managed to keep tears from welling up in her eyes again. Her hold on his hand loosens, but only so that she can reach for his upper arm and pull herself closer to him - she wants to embrace him, to hold tight to him and take comfort and give comfort, because she knows watching someone else in pain can be just as bad as being in pain yourself; she never wanted to worry him.]

Thank you...

[She's doing better, but her voice is still a whisper.]

Thank you for being here. I'm... I'm okay now. ...thank you.

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