recountal | reunion;;

reunion;;

Yukimura Residence.
Edo, Japan, January 1864.

[The years have stretched on and on, agonizingly slowly. Part of it is because Chizuru lacks the child-like lack of perspective that makes time fly by so quickly in the earliest years; mostly, it's because the Nagumo are so very cruel. Time flies when one is having fun, but among that clan...

This is the first opportunity she's had in years to even consider a visit to Edo, and though she might pay for it later, she doesn't care. There's something she has to do here, and so here she is, dressed in the finery one would expect of the wife of the young master of the Nagumo. Perhaps it's strange, to see such a finely-dressed young lady in front of the humble Yukimura clinic.

She doesn't care. She just doesn't care.

She is stopped, outside the house, because it's both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The house looks mostly the same, but the subtle differences, are they there because it's not her that's living there? All the touches of a young woman are gone. Chizuru has never lived here, but Kaoru has, and -

The differences are Kaoru's touch. That eases the knot of tension in her gut the slightest bit and gives her the courage to move forward, to call into the house as though she's a patient and this is a perfectly normal visit.]

Excuse me? I was wondering if perhaps I might speak with Yukimura-sensei...

[He won't be here. She's sure he won't, sure she's remembered the timing because her memories are all that's gotten her through the years at the hands of those horrible people, but that's okay. He isn't the one she is here to see.

She's depending on the fact that it will be Kaoru who will answer her call.]

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How convenient!

[Whew, okay, that's one thing she already knew that she's "asked" about so it's okay if she slips up and reveals her knowledge... figuring out these things comes a little easier to the Chizuru that was raised by the Nagumo clan; she's not sure she would have been able to handle this nearly as well if she hadn't been.

...it's not something she really wants to be thankful for, but she supposes she is.] Mm, so it shouldn't be too difficult to find what we need at all. We can be cooking and then eating within an hour, I think.

I can almost taste it already...

[no, being grateful for Grade A Sneaking Skills is a sad trade... though the Kaoru of that other world had also felt gratitude for similar things at times. HE WOULD UNDERSTAND... this one, while still sharp, is a little less naturally attuned to that sort of thing.

there's a spring in his step as he walks now, though. the market sounds come into focus much sooner than he had expected, and he realizes belatedly that it's probably because he's walking faster than usual.]

I'm excited. I don't really cook much, so being able to make something like this again...

[and eat it with good company, but that seems like a presumptuous thing to say to someone he only just met.]

I'll get the eggs and vegetables if you get the udon.

[Maybe it would be presumptuous to anyone else, but Chizuru would only be happy to hear such a thing...]

I'm excited, too. And eating it in your company will only make it taste even better.

[...and happy to say it, as well. She nods when he speaks of getting the eggs and vegetables. Divide and conquer, then...] Yes! I'll get the best udon I can find...! And the I'll meet you right back here?

[If the vendors haven't changed too much from how she remembers them, she even knows exactly where to go. --And she'll head straight there! Though she does take care to make it seem as though she's looking around and wandering rather than striding there with deliberate purpose. Which mostly means a lot of turning her head to look around as she walks.]

[oh no... WELL IF CHIZURU'S GONNA SAY IT:]

I'm glad that you think so. Having that meal with you yesterday... It was one of the best that I've had in a long time, so I'm looking forward to breakfast. [probably a lot more than he reasonably should be, but it breaks up the dull monotony of dealing with patients and patients of the less-than-savory kind. that's what he tells himself, anyway, because if he lingers too long on that strange feeling of nostalgia, it starts to dip into something vaguely... not negative, per se, but unsettling.]

Right, I'll be back here soon.

[AND HE WILL BE because he does know where the vegetables and eggs are without having to wander too much. those make up the staples of his meals, after all...

it won't even be five minutes before he's back where they started, arms full of bags that have probably a little too many ingredients. but he doesn't care, they can just eat odamaki-mushi all week...]

[Birds of a feather flock together, or so they say. When Chizuru returns, it's with her arms full of bags of udon. Maybe she's bought a little too much, but she sees him and she sees the bags in his arms, and it warms her heart to realize that they really do think alike after all.]

Kaoru! [She beams, and if that's all they need to get, it's time to head back to the house together.] There were so many interesting things in the market. Edo is a very different city from Tosa...

Ahh, I can't wait to try all the things we bought..!

[AND HE WILL turn to leave pretty much as soon as they're side by side! no need to dally when there is delicious food to be made.]

Is it? [he's sideeyeing the bags she has while he walks, smiling privately to himself over the same thing she had noted earlier. it's funny, he thinks; he seems to share a lot in common with this familiar stranger.]

I've heard that it's a nice place, though - right by the sea. I wouldn't mind visiting it someday.

[he says it somewhat absentmindedly, walking just as quickly back home as he had to get to the market.]

It...

[She can't finish her sentence. Can't, because while the thought of Kaoru coming to visit - of getting the chance to see him again - should bring her great joy, all it brings her is panic, because if he sets foot anywhere near Tosa and the ninjas in her husband's employ catch sight of him... if the Nagumo clan ever has even the slightest inkling that he's still alive...

Chizuru doesn't realize it, but she's starting to lag behind, and soon enough she slows to a stop. She holds tightly to the bags of udon as if they're an anchor, all she has that is keeping her from drowning.] ...isn't, it isn't, if you want to see the ocean - please go somewhere else...

[The words come before she can stop them, and she flinches and squeezes her eyes shut.]

Somewhere else, anywhere else, just not that place..! ..not Tosa..

[it takes Kaoru a second or two to realize that Chizuru is lagging behind him, and another second for him to stop, too. it's mostly because he doesn't realize just how much hearing something like that might unsettle her, even though she doesn't exactly clear up his confusion once she speaks. "please go somewhere else". he feels something similar to the sting of rejection when he hears that, even though he knows he shouldn't. not only does he not know Chizuru well enough for it, but the way that she phrases that makes it seem like it isn't about rejection at all.

the more she talks, the more sure of it he becomes, and that pang is replaced by something arguably worse. it's a strangely familiar knot of anxiety deep in the pit of his stomach. why Tosa? why is she so concerned about him going to Tosa? the more he repeats that question to himself, the worse the anxiety becomes.]

Why—? [his voice sounds smaller than he had intended, and he clears his throat.] Why not? Are the beaches too hot?

[it's a sad attempt at shoving the sudden cloud of negativity away from both of them.]

[She wants to protect him, to lie to him, as much as she wants to be honest with him and stand by his side and face down those demons. If the entire Nagumo clan is killed, then it's alright, isn't it? Kaoru will be safe.

—but she remembers the crushing guilt she felt when she lived this sort of life and people did awful things in her name. She remembers the sheer panic in the castle when they'd had glimpses of the future that could (would) have been, and then the crippling anxiety that just her very existence drove people to make others suffer. She wasn't prepared to deal with such feelings when she had lived the life Kaoru has had so far.

She wants to protect him from everything that might hurt him. She can't tell him.

...and yet, "the beaches are too hot" isn't enough of an excuse. If he comes to decide that he can handle the heat, if he comes to Tosa anyway...]

No, it's not... that. [She sounds hesitant, but sincere; she'll have to tell some measure of the truth here.] It's just that... you and I look so much alike. For someone who looks so much like me to be in a city where my husband's family has as much influence as they do - it isn't safe.

[Well, it's not a lie.]

Especially after I'll have no doubt angered them by coming all the way out here without telling them... and especially if they found out you were the one who is helping me with my request. I don't know how much Yukimura-sensei has told you about the Nagumo family, but they're... very unkind people. I'd prefer it if you stayed as far away from them as you could.

[it's definitely a valiant effort, and a clever one, too. if this Kaoru had even a fraction of the paranoia-fueled self preservation that his old self once had, it would absolutely be enough to both dissuade him from visiting, and probably enough for him to drop the topic entirely.

but this Kaoru - he hasn't had the chance to experience what it's like to try standing up for something only to be cut down over and over. he doesn't know what it's truly like to feel as though his life is in genuine danger, like he's been backed into a corner and he will absolutely die this time, this time for sure. because he doesn't know any of this, his emotional reactions are untempered.]

It isn't... safe? Just because we share similar looks, that entire place wouldn't be safe for me to visit? [for how natural and easy his smiles seem to be in this reality, that look of anger and vague disdain still seems at home on his face, like the muscles there have never really forgotten how to move in that way.]

I've heard some things about that clan before; I think that most people have. But I had hoped the stories were... exaggerated. [though he's had his doubts since she first appeared with her request.] For those people to force you into coming to me at all for the reasons that you have, and then to be angry about it - to make things dangerous for you...

[he trails off after that, because he's not entirely sure why the idea of her being mistreated by these people makes him so white-hot angry. sure, he's always (hah) had a streak of empathy, but this goes well beyond it. he really can't stand this idea.]

Edited 2014-09-01 01:07 (UTC)

...it might be alright, but... I'd rather not bank on them being kind, when so far they've only proven themselves to be cruel.

[She says, despite the fact that "trusting cruel people to be kind" was what she'd done in her first life. Living with the Nagumo seems to have squashed that out of her where the Shinsengumi, the demons, and Kaoru himself hadn't been able to the first time around, though. To anyone who remembers the way she was before (which, by her counting, is just one - herself), it really hammers home just how far from exaggerated the stories about the Nagumo clan are.

But oh, she seems to have made a mistake. That expression - it's too painfully familiar, and she shifts her bags of udon to be cradled against one arm so that she can rest a hand on Kaoru's shoulder to try and calm him down. She wasn't trying to make him angry. She just wanted him to agree to be safe—]

It's not dangerous for me. [Her tone is placating, even though she's... lying. She may not be in danger of dying, but there are worse things in the world than death.] I know how to handle them... I can look out for myself, even if they are angry. It's only that I don't want them taking their anger out on you.

...if they hurt you because of me, I'd never be able to forgive myself for it.

[a strange thing happens when she reaches out to touch his shoulder - and that's that Kaoru jumps a little when she comes into contact with him. he doesn't seem to notice, it's so small and seemingly instinctive, but it's definitely the first time that he's ever reacted like that to any sort of physical contact since she had first arrived in her old home.

but he's far too absorbed in the idea of this horrible clan to pay it any mind even if he has noticed it. something about that - "it's not dangerous for me" - doesn't sit right with him. if it wasn't too dangerous for her, why would she be making this request at all? why would a person with her face be in trouble? doesn't that imply that she would be in trouble? he'd fold his arms across his stomach in a habitual gesture of irritated anxiety if it weren't for the bags he's holding, but the agitation manifests even without him doing that.]

...I won't make you carry that burden. [the burden of him getting into a situation that's over his head and ending up hurt because of it. the idea makes him unreasonably upset, thinking that she might not be able to forgive herself because of something he's done.]

But just accepting something like that - I can't... How can you live like that? With people who force you into these situations...? [he shakes his head, and while some of the anger dies away from his expression, there's definite lingering tension.] You shouldn't have to spend your time around people who mistreat you.

[She notices it. She notices it, and that makes her panic - because what sort of thing could he have experienced in this life that would cause that sort of reaction to a mere touch? But then, it hadn't seemed to bother him before. Just now, when what she's already said has brought that painfully familiar anger and discontent to the surface.

Was it always in him? Or is this something else - some residual trick of the producers'..? She remembers her time in the castle, but this is a different timeline. She went back, she changed things. She remembers what she does because she has to, to change them, but she's absolutely certain Kaoru doesn't remember them.

They had enough time before the humans came to spend together. They were so close. Surely he would have mentioned something if he did remember any of it, even if it came to him as a half-remembered dream...

It's just because she's stressed him out. She has to believe that.]

Thank you...

[As long as he stays away from Tosa, as long as nothing else causes him to be under this sort of pressure again, he'll be just fine. At the end of the week, she'll have to go back, and hopefully he'll stay here in Edo where it's safe -

But she can't even trick herself into fully believing that, because there's the matter of the ochimizu as well. The ochimizu, which he seems to be involved with even though she never was. Curse Kodo for involving him - curse him. She'd treasured her memories of the man who raised her for years, but she can't help but feel bitter that he's involved Kaoru in something that can only end in tragedy.

His question gives her pause, though, and she looks down, uncertain how to answer. She can only bear it because doing so is what guarantees he's not the one in that situation. She walked right into it, she chose it...]

...it's what I was born for. [Duty. When it comes down to it, it's duty. Even if it wasn't to protect her brother, she would have entered into a similar arrangement with some clan or another. Not the Nagumo, most likely, which means she would have been treated better, but... staying close to home and never having to deal with in-laws was never an option for a female demon.] From the very beginning, this is the sort of fate that someone like me cannot escape. [A female from a rare demonic bloodline...] And it's better than the alternative.

I don't like the way they treat me, but even so... if I'm there, at least I'll be able to do what I can to keep them from mistreating other people.

[She was always going to go back at the end of this week, although she dearly wants to stay. This temporary reprieve is just that - temporary.]

Edited (wording...) 2014-09-01 17:14 (UTC)

[it seems temporary, at least, that brief withdrawal. he relaxes soon enough, though his shoulders remain tense. hearing her continue to talk doesn't really do anything for his temper, though, which has always been quick and foul even in this version of his life. he has better control over it now and it keeps him from wanting to lash out (though not at Chizuru, absolutely not at Chizuru), but something about this has become quite an exercise in patience.

but all the thanks in the world and all the fine control over temper can't do much to actually get rid of that anger. his grip tightens a little on the bags in his arms.]

You shouldn't feel like it's all right for you to be reduced to something like that. Saying "I was born for it" doesn't make it any better, any more "all right"... [...maybe his temper management isn't quite as fine as he believed. he can feel it slipping as he speaks.] And you shouldn't need to make yourself into a huge shield, or to view that as an upside to this sort of situation. Why should you be the one to take that kind of responsibility onto yourself? It's their fault for mistreating you! They should be made to answer to their crimes! Mistreatment can't just be left unpaid, they—

[they should die.

...the thought comes to him so suddenly, so swiftly, so naturally, that it leaves him feeling very, very frightened. it had come and gone like a terrible, uncontrollable, intrusive thing, but it's enough to rattle him into silence. his face pales - and then he readjusts his grip on his bags and starts to walk again.]

—I'm sorry. I was speaking out of line.

[but he won't apologize for feeling what had made him speak out.]

[There really isn't a whole lot she can say to tat, because they're all things she's longed to hear for the entirety of this lifetime. It isn't fair, you shouldn't have to, it's their fault - things she's told herself over and over, when they tell her that she deserves the way she is treated.

But she tells herself that it's better her than Kaoru, because she, at least, has her memories of her first lifetime, of a loving family and wonderful friends... and, in the end, of a brother who did want what was best for her, even if he had a strange way of showing it. Kaoru didn't have any of those things.

...if she has her way, she'll do what she can to make sure he has them in this life.

She follows after him, holding tightly to her bags, but after a moment or two she speaks up - because she can't leave his apology unanswered.]

You don't need to apologize for that. I should be the one to apologize to you - because, even though I know you're right, I can't...

[Can't reassure him that she won't just stand there and take that sort of mistreatment. Can't guarantee she'll do anything other than spitefully take any steps she can to refuse them what they want from her.]

...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place... I reacted badly, and it led to this. This was - supposed to be a good day...

And I'm also sorry for upsetting you...

[he doesn't stop walking, but his pace slows enough so that he can turn a little to look at her while she talks. he's still holding the bags close to his chest, almost like a shield.]

No— It's my own fault, so please don't apologize for that. [it's not any of his business and he's really made things worse for her by dredging up what's likely a painful topic. what right does he have to get upset like that? if anyone should be upset, it's Chizuru for having to tolerate that kind of abuse. even if he doesn't understand it, the last thing he ever wanted was to allow a sudden spike of temper to bring the mood down so far.

he'll try, then, to offer up a reassuring smile instead. unlike his earlier smiles, this one seems to come to him only after a little trouble.]

It's still a good day, so please excuse my reaction. [...huh. that had come out a little more stilted than he had expected - almost too polite. he's quick to amend himself.] That is - I was the one who reacted badly, so... I hope that you'll still want to eat breakfast with me after that.

[mostly, though, he wants something to distract him from the lingering sour sentiments that this clan has dredged up.]

I do still want to eat breakfast with you.

[She sounds earnest, at least; spending time with Kaoru is one of the few things that she genuinely wants. She can feign enthusiasm and support where she needs to, but there is nothing feigned about this.]

...I was a little worried you wouldn't want to eat breakfast with me, though... after all of this.

[She's still a little unsure how it got so bad so quickly. He'd merely mentioned seeing Tosa, and she'd flown off the handle. That's an aspect of her temper she needs to get under better control; she hadn't realized how incredibly volatile she would be just thinking about him going to that place.

She'd thought she was prepared for this visit.]

But as long as you still want to... I still want to, too.

[she'll find her earnestness echoed in him, at least. he doesn't see an ounce of blame in her over what's just happened here and hadn't even considered that she might be worried about something like that.]

Of course I still want to. I've been looking forward to it... [and just because he managed to mess things up by being so verbally clumsy, that hasn't changed one bit. eating his dinner with Chizuru the other night had somehow been the most "at home" that he's felt in a long, long time and he wouldn't trade breakfast with her for the world.]

...So let's go, all right?

[the smile that follows seems a little easier to muster up, at least, and then he's shifting his bags and gesturing ahead. the house is nearby and it doesn't take much longer to get inside, though he'll wait to walk alongside Chizuru rather than hurrying ahead to the kitchen on his own.]

Mm.

[She smiles back, though the tension never really eases from her shoulders and she can't help the worry churning in her stomach. She'll have to be much more careful in the rest of her time here with him; she doesn't want this visit to be marred by anything unpleasant, and...

A small, selfish part of her wants Kaoru to be able to remember her fondly once she returns to the Nagumo clan. She wants him to have only happy memories of their time together, so that in the future - if she's ever able to break free of those people - he'll welcome her back with open arms.

It's definitely a selfish desire, but it's what she wants.

Together, side by side, they return to the house and head into the kitchen. Once they arrive, she'll immediately set her bags down and start sorting through them to get enough for the meal.] How hungry are you? I'm a little hungrier than I thought I would be...

[They'll just have to make a lot of food to make up for the earlier awkwardness, she supposes.]

[to his credit, he's doing his best to move past any bumps that might have formed because of that episode. he doesn't want to ruin something so nice because he's made a mistake, so he'll try to pave it over and make amends.]

I'm a little hungrier, too. Let's make extras.

[he sounds VERY DETERMINED about this! and he will immediately get to work with taking out his ingredients, too. he steps over to get the dishes and utensils that will be necessary - cutting board, knife, small dishes to heat in the fire. his expression becomes a little nostalgic as he works.]

... You know, when I was little, I used to eat this all the time. Father said that I'd ask for it as a snack at least once a week for a while. I had friends that I used to eat it with a long time ago, I think... I don't remember it well, but one of them used to pick out the quail eggs because their size disturbed her. That's stuck in my mind to this day since it was so ridiculous.

[and he does sound softly amused recounting the tale, silly as it is...

but one thing may stand out to Chizuru here; despite the fact that he most certainly first had odamaki-mushi in their village, that memory is not one she'll be able to recall from the youth that she had spent together with this Kaoru. the child he's speaking about is one of the village kids that they used to spend time with, but in this life, that event had never occurred. perhaps she'll find it strangely familiar, anyway...?]

[It's familiar in a way that it shouldn't - can't - be. Or at least, it shouldn't be possible for Kaoru to be able to stand here, speaking of something that, in this lifetime, has never occurred. It makes Chizuru pause for just the slightest moment as she's helping to prepare the ingredients for cooking, and for an instant there's panic in her eyes, but she bites it down and bottles it up because she can't afford to lose control now, not when doing so already had ended so badly on the walk here.]

Ah..? Did she think they were too big or too small?

[She sounds politely interested and the slightest bit amused - no more or less than anyone else would when hearing such a story. But inwardly, she is panicking.

What does this mean? How can Kaoru remember something that's never happened? She knows it hasn't happened in this life, because she has always been aware and able to remember since the producers put her back here. A child with a grown woman's consciousness - it was what was necessary to make the change she needed to make in order to save him, since there wasn't any feasible way of keeping the humans from coming in the first place. And that would only have been a stopgap measure, anyway; they'd have come again, and Kaoru would be in danger again, but this option had led to his safety and happiness.

- Or so she had thought, anyway. If there is even the smallest bit of before lingering in him anywhere, if the producers have failed somehow in keeping him from remembering all the suffering he'd endured at the Nagumo's hands anyway, if it's all bottled up in him somewhere, what is she going to do?

She can't protect him from his own mind.]

Too small.

[the answer comes immediately and it, too, will likely be toeing that same unpleasantly familiar line.]

Though to be honest, I can't blame her for thinking something like that. If a person is only used to chicken eggs or duck eggs, a tiny quail egg would probably be a really bizarre thing to eat. [this is followed by a quiet laugh as Kaoru sets the pan down on the counter, pouring water into it to set the smaller pots in.

it seems that one stray memory is the only oddity currently present, and he sets it aside easily enough. he's thumbing through the vegetables and placing them in the sink to rinse off, apparently more focused on that than on the little girl and her aversion to quail eggs.]

Hm... We really did get a lot, didn't we? How big do you want the portions to be?

We did...

[She's willing enough to set the discussion of that memory aside - the less they dwell on it, the less he'll remember. She just needed a way of letting it phase out of the conversation naturally, since changing the subject suddenly might have made him wonder about it and think on it.

Working out how much odamaki-mushi to make seems like a safer topic.]

Um... I could eat an entire large bowl, I think. [She's hungry and it's a comfort food!] If you could too... that much for each of us, then?

[a decisive nod! good job, Chizuru, going with the conversational flow. Kaoru already seems to have put the story behind him, drying off the washed vegetables and setting them on the cutting board to dice.]

Two large bowls, then. I'm definitely hungry enough to eat that much. [he hadn't even realized he was so hungry, but maybe walking to and from the market had been enough to push him over.]

Ah— Do you mind cracking the eggs? I'll boil the ones for garnishes. [the teeny tiny garnish quail eggs, that is.]

I don't mind at all.

[He can deal with the weird ittybitty egs; she'll just crack the normal-sized ones. It's simple enough to do and Chizuru falls into the motions with the practiced ease of someone who is used to losing herself in a task in order to block out the world around her.

Not that she really wants to block Kaoru out, but she's still a little ill at ease from the earlier conversation and she's retreating back into her shell, so to speak. She needs to calm herself down and get a better grip on her feelings because if she lashes out in the same way she did at just the mention of Kaoru possibly going to Tosa, she's going to hurt him. And she doesn't want that...

When she finishes with the eggs, she moves on to start preparing the udon noodles, quick and efficient. Soon they'll be eating this..! Soon...]

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